Since my sons dad moved out when our son was a year old, I’ve been in two serious live-in relationships. The first guy was abusive to me but this never when my son was at home, and he adored my son. When I finally struck up the courage to leave this man, my son was upset as he had no idea about the abuse and loved this guy. He was five years old and seemed to bounce back though.
I had a family bereavement and in an effort not to run back to the abusive guy, started dating what seemed like a ‘knight in shining armour’ type of man. He seemed sweet, kind and perfect for me. My son didn’t go much on him, but at five years old he also regularly said he didn’t like nanny, grandad or his teachers, so I jollied him along and because I fell head over heels, I gave up my rental property and went for a fresh start with this man in his home.
After three years, my ex asked us to move out. It has started off idyllically, but by the end, he could hardly contain his hostility and jealousy towards my son. During the years, my sons stubborn personality rubbed my ex up the wrong way. My son had problems with eating and sleeping while we lived there, which he had beforehand so I didn’t realise how insecure my son was and that my ex wasn’t helping matters. During those years, I was on eggshells trying to please my ex, and balance being a mum.
I bought into my exes ideas about ‘disciplining’ my son as I was so vulnerable at the time. Things like not letting my son come downstairs after he’s been put to bed. So my son used to drop little paper notes saying he was ‘lonely’ at bedtime which broke my heart. My ex had a strict upbringing and I thought that good rules and boundaries would help my son and I actually thought my ex was helping us, and I believed him when he said that I had been too soft on my son in the past.
We had a few incidents. For instance, we only had one bathroom in the home and my son suffered with constipation. My ex would be having a shower, and I would’ve let my son into the bathroom if he needed the toilet. My ex would insist on finishing his shower before letting my son use the toilet, which seemed harsh but also not as exactly ‘abuse’? Similarly, my ex wouldn’t pick my son up if he fell over and hurt himself, but just say ‘he needs to toughen up.’ I think it was the overall tone and pattern of these types of things rather than anything massively harsh or overtly abusive. My ex wasn’t stupid and didn’t do anything too awful but he was aloof and unbending when it came to my son’s behaviour. Of course my son could be ‘naughty’ he was a kid and sometimes he needed telling off. My ex made some effort in the beginning to play games with my son and they often laughed about fart jokes and my ex also showed my son how to look after our chickens and dog and gave him responsibility which he loved. So it wasn’t all bad as such and I know my ex didn’t see himself as a bad stepdad until about six months before we finished. It was after a particularly awful
Holiday where my ex couldn’t even interact with my son at all that we realised things had soured irreparably.
Looking back, clearly this isn’t good at all. I was so besotted with this guy and all my friends and family at the time thought he was great for my son and would bring discipline and stability as my son was a stubborn child.
It’s been just me and my son for four years now and we have a great relationship. He isn’t attending high school because of how high demand it was, but he has friends outside of school and plays football now. He’s still an anxious young person but I think the pandemic exacerbated that, he now eats and sleeps relatively well.
He told me recently that I was ‘a bit horrible’ when we lived with my ex. I tried to explain how much pressure I was under and that I thought I was doing the right thing at the time but I’m sorry I didn’t realise that man was not a nice guy.
I feel so much guilt. He’s my only child and I feel like so much of his childhood I didn’t put him first and I can’t make up for that. He may never forgive me and there’s nothing I can do. I’m trying to make up for lost time now and im doing my best. I truly felt I was doing the right thing before, but now look back and see times when my ex was actually just being mean and I should’ve done more to stand up for my son. Recently I feel like I’m doing a pretty good job with my son, on my own, and advocating for him with regards to school and the local authority and I believe he may have underlying issues such as PDA or ASD which probably explains why the discipline strategies never worked!
But his comment has thrown me to be honest. So much of his childhood memories will be of rubbish men who didn’t really care about him, and that I prioritised. My mental health is in a dark place today as I know I messed up and I can’t fix it.
Thank you for reading.