DD low mood will do absolutely nothing positive

[jfchelpme]

She's nearly 14 and my middle child, only girl. She's gay.

Frequent friend dramas although nothing outrageous. Generally good at school, doing pretty well academically. Hates sport, always has done. Physically lazy and doesn't care about dirt or mess but not horrendously so. She is clever, funny, adorable. But.

Around her period she is a fucking nightmare. Teary, can't cope, school refusing. Attendance is at 92% and I'm just waiting for the bloody telling off. She also didn't go to school on the 5 recent strike days as her year group was shut. Both brothers in school for some/all of that time.

She used to cut herself but 99.9% certain she hasn't for about a year. Last time - autumn - she refused school I said, ok that's fine that you feel your mental health isn't good enough to allow you to go in but we have to act, we don't just stay off school cause you feel bad; you get help. Went to doc, got referral to well-being service for our county. They called a few days later and she point blank refused to engage. Case closed. I felt like a fucking massive time waster.

Now she hasn't been to school Thurs or Friday after throwing up (she said, I didn't see vomiting as she was at her dad's). Doctor Monday. By 4pm yesterday when her brothers got home she was totally bloody fine, playing, laughing etc. she got up at 1pm today, huffed at me when I asked her to hang out washing (she gets £20 a month pocket money for minimal chores) but did it then sat down with cereal. She has taken, at a generous estimate, 1000 steps since Wednesday evening. It's a nice day and I've suggested she go for a walk and got glared at. I've kind of lost my rag tbh. I'm expected to tiptoe around and be understanding that she feels like shit etc. but when I suggest something to improve how she feels she refuses (mental health support, exercise).

I'm so worried she's going to be both physically and mentally in a terrible state and I'm becoming really irritable with her sulky refusals then suddenly - probably because friend drama has improved slightly - she'll be ok, joking with her brothers and giving me the bants etc.

Can anyone relate? Can anyone suggest something I can do or say to make her move her arse for her physical and mental health? I'm getting really quite narky with her and don't want to be, but duck me it's annoying!

well you could try being a bit more sympathetic for starters, you sound very annoyed that your daughter might possibly have depression

Thanks, I guess. I am sympathetic. I am worried. I care, a whole lot. But her behaviour is annoying and frustrating. I'm not showing her that but I needed to vent and to ask for help/advice. Wish I hadn't bothered.

It's taken me a long time to realise and get treatment for pmdd.

Some people's mental health goes through the floor during that time of the month. Yesterday I could hardly move for heavy dull achy legs and if someone had suggested I go for a walk I would have 😒

When you're depressed, it's hard to see the wood through the trees and even a well meaning person would have made me feel worse.

Why not try to do something with her.

And does it really matter if she hasn't done many steps in the last 3 days? Especially if she's feeling unwell?

I have joined parenting mental health group on Facebook. It's a game changer for how to get help and highlighting societal misconceptions and frustrations.

It's not always laziness.

Hey OP - I can completely understand why you are frustrated and need to rant. It's so worrying when your kids are making what you know are not the best choices, and when they are at an age that you can't 'force' them to do anything that you believe would help. I don't think you sound unsympathetic, I think you sound really worried about her and scared.

Some of what you describe sounds like normal teen stuff (sleeping in, grumpy about doing chores etc) and some obviously isn't. It must be hard to separate them all out and I guess if she was going to school, doing activities etc the minor stuff wouldn't bother you as much.

What kind of things is your DD in to? Can you find ways to entice her into doing stuff based around her interests? Does she like art/ craft/ cooking/ music?

Are there any times when she's more susceptible to a constructive conversation? Maybe next week when her period is over you can have a chat then and come up with a plan for the next time she's feeling crap?

@tallcypowder what's the group? I need some tips a having some similar issues with my did

I don't have any advice, sorry, but you sound like a good mum and its perfectly normal to find your DC annoying, especially when they are past the age to be forced to do anything and they are refusing to help themselves. Even if someone does have depression, it's hard for others and we can acknowledge that.
My DC had a severe throat clearing tick for sometime, and I was definitely both sympathetic and irritated by it at the same time!

You can buy some chewy multivitamins for teens that have evening primrose oil in them. I got some for my dd who was really struggling with PMT (to the point of feeling suicidal) and they've helped do much it's unbelievable.

Are you honest with the school? Or do you make excuses when she school refuses? I’d be making an appointment to speak to someone at school. If she wants to stay home and hang out/play/lie around then you need school support to handle it as a team. Let them know you are not able to get her to school.

I’d also be sitting her down at a calm time (ie when she isn’t in the middle of an upset) and laying things out like they are. For example ‘if you are too sick to go to school regularly we must see a doctor to get support with this. If you refuse to engage then I must seek outside support as I cannot allow you to miss school several days a month.’

Also (and I know this is for some reason unpopular on here) you can and should discipline the behaviour. It’s awful to feel depressed or a bit unwell. It does not give you the right to be nasty, rude, or disrespectful. I would be talking to her about it and explaining that she cannot be rude to people without consequence no matter how bad her friendship drama is. And follow through on it. I think the worst thing you can teach someone is that their feelings give them the right to impact on other people negatively.

And also get back to the GP even if she refuses to engage. At least get your concerns noted, that way you can start the ball rolling if she’s regularly refusing to attend school, and can show you’ve made steps to try to get support!

Its called parenting mental health