DS 13 bed time - constant cajoling means I am not getting any time to myself! Please help!

[marjorambasil]

My DS (13) is generally quite well behaved during the day, but controlling his bedtime is really becoming a problem for me.

I have to be up at 6am for work and want an hour or so to myself before bed (is it too much to ask..). DS bedtime is supposed to be 10pm, but I spend all evening dreading the inevitable arguments and stalling that occurs.

It goes like this -

From 9.30pm - get off the phone / ps5 now please and get ready for bed
DS - stalls, 'just finish this video', speaks to me cheekily backchatting etc (last two nights called me 'schizophrenic' and shouting at me to leave him alone, will start shouting I'm bullying him so neighbours hear etc. I have to constantly harass him
10pm - finally gets off phone / ps5
10-10.30pm at least - doing teeth and elaborate skincare routine etc, will take ages, takes phone into bathroom etc.

I am getting anxiety every night in the lead up to spending an hour cajoling him to get into bed.

I finally have got him to surrender the phone and put it in the kitchen when he is sleeping, as his dad finally agreed to do the same after catching him on it in early hours (he goes there at weekends). He won't physically give up his phone to me as punishment though unless I take it when he is sleeping or showering, it turned into a huge escalation twice before and I cannot physically get it off him. Ex is useless and doesn't do any parenting.

What do I do??

It's like he is deciding his bedtime is 11pm and I have no say in it .. a power struggle which creates anxiety every night.. I don't want to give in and just let him do what he likes. He is up at 7 am so I want to ensure he gets enough sleep. It's also causing stress to his young adult sister and I'm sure the neighbours.

He has to have the phone at school as he walks back and forth himself when I am at work.

Change it round. He gets the phone as a reward. Or he can choose to delay and stall but then he loses the phone the next day.
But honestly you’re describing him being half an hour late. If you didn’t keep nagging wouldn’t you have the time to yourself anyway?

Far too much disrespect going on. That phone would be removed in my house for at least a few days except for school journey .

You need more authoritative parenting ( note this is not the same as authoritarian parenting look up the difference) and need to sent the boundaries.

Respect is earned and he has none for you.

Take the phone and play station off him completely for a fortnight. And if he behaves and goes to bed at X time then he can choose one to have back.. after a week he can have the other one back. Bad behavior - gone again for a week
Can you leave them in work or give them to a friend?

And the bedtime readiness needs to start way earlier. If he does it quickly without fuss he gets to say up. Personally I think 930 is an end point bedtime for me. Can read in bed but nothing else!

Following

Remove the PlayStation whilst he is at school, he can have it back once he has gone to bed when you say, consecutively for X amount of weekdays at the weekend without the disrespect.

You are giving him a backwards message "I will take xxx away in xxx" Never use punishment-based parenting; it will do you no favours! Take time to read up about therapeutic parenting. Try to learn to reward him for good behaviour by giving him time on devices rather than punishing him for bad. I'm a professional parent; my job is to turn around kids who have been living with no boundaries around bedtime, devices, language etc. Take the PS5 away, out of the house, to a friend of yours. Anywhere where you can't cave in. It stays there until he can show you he can be trusted around bedtime. You also need to read up on Dan Hughes and PACE. All corporate parents I know use these tools. I've listened to doors banging, thumping, shouting etc, but they do calm down and will have more respect that you have stood firm. Let him play Dad up, and you have firm boundaries for acceptable behaviour around sleep. If he's playing Fortnite, block it on the router, that game is like crack

Way too much ‘negotiation’ and permissive parenting going on here. He won’t give you the phone, you physically take it off him. He disrespects you, no Internet the next day. You’re not a passive bystander you are the parent and boss of the house.

I'm not getting why this is a battle - my DD was definitely going to be on her own clock by 13. Unless there are huge behaviour issues which suggest he needs more sleep, I don't understand why you're even getting involved in this. What would happen if you just said ok, if you want an 11pm bedtime, have one, but the phone goes on the side in the kitchen?

His rudeness is unacceptable though.

I agree with this. So much angst over getting him in bed by a certain time so you can relax, but you could just relax anyway and let him get on with things in his own time?

I heard a parent on the radio saying she takes her ds controls and keeps them in work until he cooperates..then she is not tempted to give in!!. Could he just be in his room reading or something without actually talking about bedtime. Or once he is off all screens you spend some time in your own room and leave him up getting a night time snack or whatever. I wouldn't mind what time he actually went to sleep as long as he had no access to screens. As he will get tired and head off. Sometimes that alone time has to be sacrificed for a while at that age if he is playing his PS in family space..

Reverse psychology works far far better.

Don't be authoritive.

Tell him he gets to pick his own bedtime.

But the deal is you need to be up at 6 am and have quiet time yourself and he needs to continue to do well at school.

Basically you are giving him the chance to show you hou can trust him.

This is why there is no fighting in our home with our teenagers.

Give them opportunities where they can earn your trust.

This gives them responsibility and builds their confidence.

Never fails to work

If he has an android phone you can get family link and put a 'downtime' on his phone.

You can set a timer to remind him that it will switch off in 5 mins

You can warn him you will turn of the route in 5 mins then go and do it

I agree with this. I have no experience with gaming equipment, but the phone should be easy to solve - you can set up downtime so that, even if he physically has it, it turns off at a preset time. Maybe you temporarily need to take away the game console.

I would - and have - let my DD get to bed at her own time. As long as she is quiet, it's all that matters. She now, at 15, knows she needs to be asleep by 11:30 (in bed at 10:30) in order to get enough sleep.
The emphasis here is on not disturbing others, not making too much noise (as her father goes to sleep at 10) and anticipating issues she needs assistance with. Those need to be done much earlier in the evening.

You need to realize that your wish to have an hour for yourself in the evening will be less and less feasible as your son gets older. You will need to compromise; for us, that means that in the evening it is quiet, for you it might be different. He needs to know that the consequences of a bedtime that is too late are a crappy morning/following day (and are his to bear, not yours).

@Slavica I can control the gaming equipment by just turning off the home wifi router. As for the phone, I am going to look into apps which will switch it off at certain times.

You need to realize that your wish to have an hour for yourself in the evening will be less and less feasible as your son gets older. You will need to compromise; for us, that means that in the evening it is quiet, for you it might be different
I'm aware of this - I have an older teenager, however she is quiet at night.

Maybe it's just an age thing and he will soon realise and regulate himself, however I don't think he is quite there yet!! If left to his own devices (which I have tried), he will stay up really late (as in sleep 1am-7am) for 1 or 2 nights, and then go at a reasonable time on say the third night. He hates waking up if he is late to bed and for his concentration at school and immune system etc, I want him to be getting more regular sleep pattern. Also, I work shifts and cannot always be there in am to police his getting ready and getting to school every day, and he has had 2 lateness warning letters this year.

I think I'm going to try and reframe it a bit and fence off the living room as 'my area', perhaps use earphones, and try get my downtime. We are in a small flat with thin walls so it's difficult.