Sleeping at BF's house

[opinionssoughtplease]

Please advise me of your general feelings/opinions on this!
My DD16 has her first bf, also 16. They've had about a month in the 'talking stage' and are now an item. They seem besotted. DH and I have met him and his family and they seem lovely, no worries there at all.
DD and bf are beginning to talk about staying over at each other's houses. DD and I have had good chats about things, about going to the doctor for contraception when the time is right, etc. She does seem happy to chat to me openly which is great. My question really is asking how you all approach this with your teens and their bf/gfs. Do they stay over? If so in separate bedrooms or together? What 'rules' do you have?! Does it make a difference for you if there's distance between your houses? I'm floundering here and would love some opinion to help me find mine!!

I’m long past these problems but I took the attitude that I would sooner they had sex in the safety of their bedrooms in my house than in a doorway or on a park bench. DS had a girl friend whose parents were happy for her to share his bedroom in our house but not vice versa. I would ask your DD if she wants to share a room or would she prefer it if you eased the pressure on her by saying they should have separate rooms. My DC would sometimes say things like ‘can you say I can’t go, then I can tell my friends I’,m not allowed!’

I can remember when I was 16/17 with my first serious boyfriend. Our parents wouldn't let us sleep over together and I can remember it being, for me at least, more about having him to cuddle all night than it was about sex - I couldn't imagine having sex with my parents in the next room! I also felt like we were being treated unfairly, as the law said we were old enough to have sex but our parents were still treating us like children.

So when DS1 asked if his girlfriend, both 16, could sleep over, I checked that her parents were ok with it first and then said yes.

Two years later and they're still together, and I have never heard anything coming from his room to indicate they are having sex (although they must have, I'm just saying they are respectful about it). Whenever I go in, they're just lying in bed watching TV and having a cuddle. I'm really glad that they have each other for support and I'm happy to support their relationship.

Thank you 😊 I've asked her and she says it's what she wants. I agree with what you say, my mind agrees, my instincts don't! 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

I’ve been with my husband now 13 years. We met as teens. My parents let him sleep in my room, whereas his parents didn’t let us share a room for years 🙄. Honestly we just wanted to cuddle and watch tv. I would have no problem letting my boys have company over and would absolutely let them share.

I think that's part of the worry for me - I know they'll have sex, they'll find a way to do that anyway, and I trust her to be sensible. The more I think about it the more I think the bigger worry for me is the extra intimacy that exists in spending the night cuddling, the falling in love then getting hurt when it all finishes. She's naive, and I do think he is a lovely boy, but I don't know what they've got in common! I think perhaps I'm just worried about the heartbreak that love eventually brings to most of us at some point and I don't want her to have to feel that.

I know what you mean OP, I used to worry about the heartbreak too, but you know, rationally, that in the long run you can't protect them from it, it will happen, and actually, it's a part of life and will grow them as a person.

Or, they'll end up together forever. I'm not actually sure which is preferable really!

Sorry, I should have added that I'm not sure which is preferable as my parents have been together since they were 16, which sounds great on the surface, but when I suffered heartbreak they had very little empathy for me, presumably because they'd never experienced it themselves.

I'm not a prude about the possibility of sex - but if they've only been talking for a month and now got together, then I do think it's quite soon to move to that level of intimacy (emotional as well as potentially sexual). He may be lovely, they may be besotted, but they don't know each other well and allowing them to sleep together puts an altogether grown-up spin on the relationship.
Also if they're 16 surely they're taking their GCSEs this month? I would think that waiting until the exams were finished would be the best idea.

I agree with ChippyPrincess. At this age I would allow sleepovers, as others have said I’m a firm believer that they’ll have sex elsewhere, they just won’t have time & safety for emotional intimacy with it. But I wouldn’t just one month into it.

I am in this same situation; my worry is not so much the sex (if they want to have it, they'll have it during the day, and she is set with protection when the time comes), but the additional intimacy. I feel she is too young for that level of enmeshment, but she's been asking and asking and here (a European country) it is quite normal for teen couples to have sleepovers early on. For context, they have known each other for almost three years, "talking" for six months and officially together for two and a half months.

It's absolutely true I can't protect her from heartbreak, but I still have a feeling I can shield her a little... maybe? In the end, though I am very much of two minds about it, I think we will probably allow a sleepover before the summer break.

My dd asked about this tonight and I'm really conflicted.

My dd is 17 but a young 17yo, her bf is 16 as he's a summer bday.

They've been dating for a few months and he seems like a nice boy, I've been talking to dd and she has the contraceptive patch but hasn't actually put it on yet.

She wants him to stay over on Friday night, I'm really not sure. She says it's not to have sex but I think two teens in the same bed it's going to happen 🤷‍♀️

My main worry is pregnancy to be honest, I haven't had any contact with his parents so I'm not sure what they think.

I've said he can stay over but sleeps on the sofa which went down like a lead balloon 🙄😂

Teens are so tricky.

Is your DD really ready for all the drama and complications that come with this? Contraception, maybe hormonal etc. Sod that crap at 16. Where is the pressure coming from? Social media, peers, her BF? I wish all this pressure girls are under would fuck off. Let them do their exams, find themselves, have fun and think again at 18. Parents saying wait a couple more years and not helping to facilitate sex at 16 would fucking brilliant.

I and everyone I know was having sex at 16 and this was over 30 years ago!
I’d say to my own DD that it’s allowed as long as bf parents are happy with it and the relationship seems established (so not one night stands and a different boy every week)

Is he allowed in her bedroom with the door closed during the day, or vice versa? Because they'll be having sex then, in your house or his. I certainly was at that age, so was everyone I knew. When I was allowed an overnight stay with boyfriend (much older), or stayed overnight with him elsewhere without my parents knowledge (at this age), I was more bothered about having him to cuddle all night and wake up next to. Sex was always grab a chance where you can, not the focus of having hours and hours together overnight.

I have a 16 and 17 year old. Neither have had proper boyfriends/girlfriends yet. Interesting to read for if/when the time comes. Several of my friends with kids the same age who have proper bf/gf don’t slow them to stay over.

Our house rules were:

• Over 16
• We had met the BF/GF first (so no casual shags!)
• Let us know whether they want to stay over. I do not act to encounter random people in the landing when I'm half dressed

I told DD17 I would not accept a sleepover until they'd been together for several months. I also strongly underlined the fact that while her private life was just that, I was also not facilitating her sex life by having a revolving door of partners. I do not behave like that and while she lives at home I do not expect her to either. As it turns out, she'd been with her gf for 6 months before she asked for her to stay over and they seem to have a very nice relationship with no drama, so I felt more comfortable with that.

Thank you for all your thoughts. I was her age, most of my peers were, over thirty years ago, and I feel I was mature enough to make and cope with these decisions. Also, my dd and I have a much better relationship than I did with my mother, she does seem happy to talk about most things openly and honestly with me, thank goodness, I’m so grateful for that. My dh seems more relaxed than I am which has surprised me! We will continue to talk for the time being. My older dd was a couple of older at this point in her first relationship, younger dd seems so young but also so confident and mature!

Have you heard of the three-month rule? Sometimes it's six.
No holding hands or kissing for three months, and they are both "free" during that time. If after three months, they're both still up for it, then fair is fair.
Being a teen is in itself a trial of life, getting to know yourself, and flippin' exams and school etc .. lordy, there's enough going on.

You could do mattress on the floor, and assume it won't get used. Or else sleeping in separate rooms. Sixteen is probably too young for me while I'm home, just makes me feel a bit ick

You need to think not just about this boyfriend but all future boyfriends.

My house rules are:
1 relationship must be of 6 months minimum. I don’t want randoms staying
2 we have to have met and be comfortable with the boyfriend staying
3 they can only stay one night a week during school term, a couple more during the holidays to be negotiated.

Having a boyfriend or girlfriend stay over is about much more than just sex. It gives the relationship a higher status, it can be harder for them to get the distance they need from time to time, it can become all encompassing and there is no time left for friends and family. Teens need space and the chance to take relationships at their pace. If parents are known to have no limits on sleepovers then it can be harder for them to lay boundaries down. They also need to be very respectful of it being your home and that you’re right to feel comfortable there trumps their ability to have sex whenever they want.

No holding hands or kissing? Is that a typo?

Lol, I think I know what you mean @SocialLite, it's not something anyone can police, but you can introduce the idea - presenting it as a way of "testing" or "knowing" that putting your heart into it is going to be worth it - as well as pointing out all the school and life stuff already going on.
Nothing is for certain, but the earlier anyone brings up love/relationships/sex, in a sensible way, in the right context, with their children - perhaps even before puberty - the better for everyone, in my opinion.

My ds and his gf are both 17 and have been together a year. From around 6 months in they asked if they could stay over. He stayed at hers first in the spare room, so we followed suit, and although ds now has a double bed in his room he hasn't asked to change the arrangement yet, and I plan to be led by the arrangement at his gf's.

I know they are having (responsible) sex and I'm quite sure he only creeps downstairs in the early hours, but I think they would both be completely cringy at the thought of having sex with us one side and 13yo little brother the other side so I can't imagine that's likely to happen when we're all in.