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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Teenage daughter

11 replies

Twitatwoo · 06/05/2023 23:56

Hi all!

My 14yo dd has decided after being estranged for 2 years she wishes to live with her dad as a result of myself and DP confiscating her devises due to inappropriate behaviour online.

She’s adamant she is going to live there now, we haven’t seen her since 17th April but have communication through Instagram as her father gave her a phone the day she went to him regardless of why she’d had a phone ban in the first place.

I’ve informed the appropriate channels and he is now moving her school to up there, absolutely nothing we can do about it as he has parental responsibility too, we have sought legal and police advice. We’re hoping she’ll get fed up and come back as that’s the only option.

I’m going to sound like a monster now but how long is long enough to wait before allowing her brother to have her bedroom? She’s adamant she’s never coming back ever currently and due to limited room her brother is in the tiniest room currently with 1yo ds in with us.

I’m thinking if she hasn’t returned within 6 months then he should be allowed to move into her room then if she returns proceed with original plan of partitioning her room to allow everyone their own space.

Does 6 months sound appropriate?

OP posts:

Guavafish1 · 07/05/2023 02:43

What happens if she returns in a year? Will you move DS back again?

Scabetty · 07/05/2023 03:05

Once she is in a new school move him in. If she comes back partition goes up.

Liorae · 07/05/2023 03:09

I'd tell her that it's happening in one month.

Liorae · 07/05/2023 03:11

Guavafish1 · 07/05/2023 02:43

What happens if she returns in a year? Will you move DS back again?

I wouldn't. She can share@ with the 1 yr old.

Losingweightissohard · 07/05/2023 03:16

I would do the partition as planned because that’s what’s been agreed with her.

It all sounds very dysfunctional with her Dad and after 2 years NC with him suddenly living with him maybe traumatic for her so I would want her to feel she has a safe place at Mums home too.

SullysBabyMama · 07/05/2023 03:43

I think you should assume your daughter will move back home someday soon, as this is the most likely scenario.
Clearly DS should have the larger bedroom as baby DS will presumably join him in there shortly.
Then she has the smaller bedroom for sleepovers and storage of her childhood memorabilia, if she moves back in full time then she would still have the smaller bedroom as the two boys would share normally anyway.

lljkk · 07/05/2023 04:16

Scabetty · 07/05/2023 03:05

Once she is in a new school move him in. If she comes back partition goes up.

That makes sense to me.

Original poster

Twitatwoo · 07/05/2023 07:09

Thank you, I think my
judgement is blinded due to how emotionally involved I am.

On one hand I worry if we do such a drastic statement she will feel shunned and segregated from our household however at the same time I feel it’s unfair to leave such a large room
go to waste while the rest of us live like sardines!

DS1 is 12 next month with DS2 being 1 next week so on paper they should technically share yet due to how loud we all know 12yo’s are especially when it comes to Whatsapping with friends or playing on Xbox with friends it isn’t really realistic for them to share share hence the partition plan. We feel it is not fair to expect 12 year old to have to be so quite after DS2’s bedtime each night.

She’s due to start school this coming Wednesday up there, currently going into her room I feel so sad because for the first time since birth she hasn’t with me, I know it sounds silly but I feel as if I’m in grieving. I’ve been an absolute mess since all of this started and the police have advised to just be supportive towards her decision and hope that she will want to come home sooner rather than later.

DS1 has no intention of going to his house and is angry with his sister for going to their dad’s after everything that we’ve been through with him. He hates his father and his girl friend while DS2 is DP and my child so I’ve got no worries of loosing either of them thankfully.

I think the most frustrating thing is the two times we have had to confiscate DD’s devises, both times is due to the emotional toll her father has had on her along with his showing complete disregard to her safety and well being by instantly giving her a new phone.

Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:

Chrispackhamspoodle · 07/05/2023 07:37

I would partition the room so the message is there that the door is still open and you have space for her.It will probably go wrong at Dad's and she will want to come home and need to know that.When that happens a calm talk about house rules around screens and safety/,clear house rules and some TLC.I know these threads on mumsnet come down hard on the teenagers but it sounds like her Dad isn't being the most helpful here and being 14 is a time when we can easily make wrong choices

whosMum · 09/01/2024 12:31

Your post is exactly my situation. My DD hasn't lived with her dad for 12 years. I took her devices away and long story short she moved to her Dads 5 hours away. I tried 13 times to call her over xmas/new year. She's answered my calls twice in 4 months. Cut me off all media. the only thing I can do now is write to her. She is my only child. I'm devastated. She said she would see me in this january only if I pay for a hotel room for her, which means I drive, pay for 2 hotel rooms for 2 days and after all that she might just shut herself in and not speak to me. I've declined and written her a letter telling her why. Her Dad lets her do what she wants so she's out with friends til all hours. I feel I am better walking away there is nothing else I can do.

Burntouted · 12/01/2024 12:56

Wouldn't advise you giving away her room...unless she is much older and heading to Uni..or somewhere.

I think it's more than the devices.

She is already deeply traumatized. I think her devices are her coping mechanisms. Life seems to be too much for her right now...especially at your house.

She clearly had absentee father issues that deeply affected her...then to top it off she was forced to live with another man that isn't her bio dad, and forced to deal with you deciding to have another child..etc...

Giving her room up and her sanctuary may make her feel unwanted, replaced, and drive an permanent wedge between you and her. The youngest child has a room already, it may be an undesired size to you, but it's a room.

Give up your room, (if you have one) to the youngest, if you want larger for him..or perhaps look about moving if you're able to.

Respectfully, don't have any more children...especially since you haven't the space, time, energy..it wouldn't be fair on any of the children.. already your youngest isn't going to have an appropriate relatable bond with his sister...until maybe late adult hood (if both want to be bothered with one another) because of the age gap.

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