Has anyone supported their teen through the death (by suicide) of one of their friends?

[HappyasLarrynot]

I’m so sorry to ask but does anyone have any experience of this? My teen’s very close friend has died and my teen is really struggling and I just don’t seem to be able to help them at all. Everything I say and do is wrong and I understand that it’s part of them grieving but fcuk me it’s heartbreaking and they won’t talk to me at all (is talking to other people thankfully). Their school is being fab but I’m just feeling helpless 😔 Thank you.

Really sorry to hear of your situation. This happened to my teen (17) out of the blue last year. I’m in the same boat, feel helpless, don’t really know what to do. The school weren’t involved at the time as my teen was now attending a different school, and no one there knew the friend. Pre this occurring I had tried to get access to free mental health services as my teen was struggling with after effects of lockdown etc and we waited a year (meanwhile this happened) then they signed them off at the first session. Other parent (ex partner) now paying privately for therapy, I’d not be able to afford it on my own so I’m thankful. I’ve started to talk with my teen about it a bit now, after being on a fun day out and suddenly hearing a piece of music played at the funeral which set us both off really badly. We’re opening up slowly about it but I’ve had some horrible worries and at one point even asked them would they do the same. It’s caused a number of friendship issues as they have a couple of friend groups/close friends who never knew their best friend from before (different area) and some have behaved as though it’s no worse than a goldfish dying or something but a couple have really come through and understood. One positive thing is that my teen has decided to work towards a caring profession and get qualifications to help others with mental health issues. They are meanwhile getting involved in charity work for the same. But I still don’t know how to help or what to do, I feel like I’m a bit paralysed with fear and not knowing what to do or how to help. It’s like I’m just hoping it will all “work itself out”. I also feel horribly selfish and guilty for feeling this way because of how much worse the friends parents must be feeling. We probably talk about it once a month but it’s there all the time. I’m sorry I can’t be of more use and interested to hear if anyone has any advice xx

So sorry you are going through this. I didn't want you to sit on 'unanswered'.

My dc and his friends were early 20s when they had to work through having to cope with this, so not teens, but yes, it is heartbreaking.

What has really helped them was not actually us, as parents, but the group of lads themselves.

In the early days they literally met and just sat together - in the park, in the woods, in the country park. I don't know what they talked about, but they met up and spent a lot of time together.

They went round to the lad's parents' house and spent time there, crying and also laughing as they shared memories.
They did practical things like organised a charity football match.
They got together on his birthday.
They have a bench (which was already there, nothing to do with their friend) but they call it D's Bench, and when they want to have a think, or speak to someone else, they go there, and if they want to see someone else, they know to meet there.
They get together on the anniversary of his death.

It's really hard feeling you can't take away their pain. So sorry you are all going through this.

Not by suicide but my son when aged 17 saw his friend killed ( run over) by a speeding driver, then had to got through a subsequent court case as a witness a year later. I would also say, as above that most support came from within the group of friends who also witnessed it ( 4 of them were coming back from a party ), and from wider friends. they also kept in touch with the friend's parents and still do five years later. College also offered extra support/ pastoral support and checked in on him regularly.

Be there for him. Take him seriously. Take time off work and take him away. The funeral is not going to be for a few weeks I imagine. Reach out to the family if it would help your son. They will want to help him.
I never ever ever thought I had to worry about my DS doing anything like that and yet here I am.
If there has been a lot of positive social media attention, I would suggest heavily monitoring his phone usage. I would hate to think that any of his friends thinks this is a good idea and I am petrified that people will be inspired by what he's done.

Thank you for all of the replies and apologies for not having replied sooner. The advice has been very much appreciated. My teen opened up a bit over the weekend, which was a huge relief, and shared some more information about their friend’s death so I feel a little more able to deal with things. I just also feel so sad for the friend’s parents. But thank you for the replies, it’s all been taken on board and I’m sorry you’ve been in similar situations which mean you’ve been able to help me (I hope that makes sense) x

I'm so sorry to hear about this. I recommend getting in touch with The Lucy Rayner Foundation as they have some great advice and also offer free counselling.