AIBU to freak out - 14 year DS has secret girlfriend on snapchat

[SourDoe]

This evening I discovered that my 14 y/o DS has a secret girlfriend on snapchat and it’s really panicked me.

He’s autistic and very young for his age. I don’t know who the girl is, she is from another part of the country. The chat between them is mostly silly stuff but occasionally she calls him nasty names, talks about stabbing people and horrible things she’s done to other girls like hitting them. She appears to be quite immature although from the photos and videos she has sent (there aren’t any rude things) she looks a similar age to my son.

I heard him talking to his friend about trying to get a train to meet her. I spoke to him about this and he said he didn’t mean it but I’m really scared.

To be honest I’m horrified because to me it doesn’t seem safe. He has always been so open with us but he clammed up and went to bed wanting to be left alone. I think I overreacted and could have handled it differently and now I’m wondering if this is normal behaviour for a child of his age and I need to calm down.

My son told me that he feels over mothered by me and that I stifle him. I’ve always been really affectionate and I always thought he liked me to be as he’s always reciprocated but I think he’s growing out of it and I haven’t caught on until this evening.

I’m terrified that I’m pushing him away by treating him like a baby and he will seek out normal teenage experiences without me knowing and possibly attempt to meet with this girl. Equally, I’m terrified of not protecting him from the potential dangers here and my DH immediately said we confiscate devices.

I feel blindsided and would love some advice. Am I overreacting? He attends a specialist school so his school friends are not local to one area but spread far and wide so I don’t have a network of other mums to call on and I don’t want to humiliate him by sharing private information with his friends parents on whatsapp.

I’ve spent most of the evening hidden away crying. I need to pull myself together before talking to him tomorrow. What would you do?

I think you are potentially over reacting.
My ds is nearly 14 and I have just found out he is texting a girl, I think it's pretty innocent.
Don't know the context of the names etc so maybe you need to watch that, but you freaking out will only push it more secret.you need too let him know you trust him.

How did he connect with her?

I think that sounds normal for a 14yo but obviously don’t know the specifics of your DS and how he is affected by his autism. If you think he is serious about wanting to meet her could you suggest that you take him? That way you know he’s safe and can take them somewhere like a coffee shop where you can supervise from another table. Confiscating devices seems OTT and likely to backfire.

Thank you so much. This was what I needed to hear. He was upset at the thought that I didn’t trust him so I need to reassure him that I do trust him as you said.

My parents were really strict with me and didn’t trust me to make good decisions (and still don’t) so I’ve always wanted to do things differently with my children and yet here I am, doing exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t.

Thanks for your replies (and for being kind)

He said she popped up as a suggested person and he added her and she did the same. We’ve talked before about not connecting with strangers before so I’m concerned that he did this although he has never tested boundaries much before so I guess it’s inevitable that he will eventually.

Hard tho it is dont dont over react or you will do the opposite and push him to head for someone like that

Honestly, I would be a bit concerned about him catching a train out to meet her on his own. He has never met her before. He might feel like he knows her from their chats, but he really doesn’t know her or if she is who she says she is. Her photos might not even be of her.

Adults have been tricked or scammed on the internet so it’s not about treating him like a baby. It’s more about being a little cautious.

Will he be ok with you or his dad going with him? Or is there another trusted adult like an aunt or uncle, grandparent, friend etc. he’d be ok with going with him?

"talks about stabbing people" --- alarm bells all the way. You are totally not overreacting. I would be confiscating all devices, whether he likes it or not, and I would immediately cut off any means of him being able to meet this girl. No money to catch the train, no further contact with her.

And how do you know it's even a young girl anyway? It's the internet. Anyone could be anyone.

Are they videoing or just messaging? He conversation is concerning and not normal. There's the risk she's not who she says she is. I'd v be e cautious. I'd keep an eye on phone and keep talking to him. Apologise for earlier reaction and say you are worried and want him to be safe.

YABVU to freak out.
Yes, it is concerning, re. mentions of violence. You need to inform your son that even though it seems silly, there may be police matter.

You are not wrong to be concerned, for all the reasons mentioned above. It is not unusual these days for relationships to start on Snapchat (my DDs has), but if the girl uses violent language, your boy young for his age, and if you are not sure she is as young as he is (have they video chatted?), these are all things that need to be addressed.
As a mother who overreacts out of fear, I know where you're coming from. Don't be too hard on yourself and continue your conversation with him when you are both calmer.

It’s not at all the norm for an anonymous person to befriend a young disabled boy and then occasionally talk about stabbing people. It sounds like he (and now you) are being groomed. Talk to safeguarding at school.