Think DS is depressed. What to do?

[Tearsofthemushroom]

My DS is in Year 12. Over the past year or so he has become gradually more withdrawn. He was unhappy at school so moved to a new school for Sixth Form but it doesn’t seem to have helped the situation.
he is now in a position where he doesn’t socialise with anyone from either school. He won’t go into the Sixth Form Centre or the lunch hall.
He eats very little and has grown a lot so is six feet tall but only weighs 8.5 stone.
Last night he just sat in bed with me, holding my hand and not saying anything. He has stopped reading and rarely plays online.
It is so hard seeing him so unhappy. We have tried encouraging him to exercise more and see friends. We are a close family and he does talk about things sometimes. Sometimes it feels like he surfaces for an hour or so before sinking back down again.
ang suggestions on the best way forward at this point?

I'm so sorry to hear this. I don't have any advice but do understand how sad you feel as my Y11 DS has been on the edge of this in the past. I'm glad he's got a lovely mum like you who will listen and be there for him xxx

I'm so sorry to hear how sad your DS sounds @Tearsofthemushroom

My son is also year 12 and struggled quite a bit in year 11. I bought him some St John's Wart off Amazon and he took it for about six months. It seemed to help but whether that was just psychological is anyone's guess. I also made sure he was getting enough sleep and encouraged healthy eating and getting out in the fresh air every day.

How is he getting on with his A-levels? It's quite an overwhelming time for them as they have exams coming up and probably school are starting to go on about university applications.

I'd be worried about the weight thing although obviously you don't want to draw too much attention to it. Can you discreetly make more calorie heavy meals and get in his favourite snacks. My son is also tall and skinny but think he is more like 9.5/10 stone.

You sound like a lovely mum and I hope you both find a way through this difficult time. Do you and DS watch any tv shows together? Maybe start something funny like Brooklyn 99 or The Office and watch together after tea. My DS loves both of those shows and finds them hilarious.

Good luck and lots of love to you.

We are in a similar position. My DS is year 12 and a few weeks ago he revealed that he was desperately unhappy, mainly due to a lack of friends and anxiety. He too started at a new school for sixth form but has found it hard to break into established friendship groups. He suffers with low moods and loneliness.

I made an appointment to speak to a senior member of staff at sixth form and asked them what they could do to help. I really emphasised how unhappy he was and that every day at school was a lonely experience. Thankfully the teacher I spoke with has been wonderful. She has used subtle ways to get him into a small group of likeminded students,who are gradually welcoming him into their group. She is also setting up a chess club so that he has something else to do in those lonely dinner times.

We have also explored different ideas with him on how to break the monotony and improve his mood. He suggested regular swimming or even joining the gym. He has also started to do mindfulness activities like colour by number.

Look for tv programmes you could watch together, like a pp said. We watch Taskmaster, Russell Howard and Gogglebox together.

Might be worth a visit to your gp, in case there are other issues going on too. He may be referred to Camhs for some talking therapy.

Good luck, but please reassure your son he isn't on his own, lots of young adults are struggling too.

Things will change once they go to Uni so hold onto that thought.

They'll all be in the same boat having to make new friends and will be dragged out to participate in events by those that are more extrovert and will then find their tribe via halls or their course

From my own experience with DS ( 21 at the time) I would urge you to get him to the GP. Thankfully 2 years later our DS is living independently, has a good job and a small circle of friends.
He saw a counsellor ( privately) and eventually was prescribed ADs. The change has been remarkable. Good luck OP.

Antidepressants may help and are best started the day he finishes school as they take about 3 months to kick in and can have side effects which will balance out after 3 months

It's really worth giving them a try

You're doing everything you can and just being there with him and being his friend is priceless for now.

Look for something he can join outside of school. My DS has joined some bizarre clubs at lunchtime.

There are often sort of games clubs at larger 6th form colleges boys like yours can join. First by sitting and watching then joining in the next time

Sound like he has crushing social anxiety

he needs to take a deep breath and sit with a group of DC where he recognises one from one of his classes.

Say hi and just sit with them and see what happens

But never to ask if he can sit with them

To just sit with them and say hi I'm just going sit with you for a while.

If he feels uncomfortable he can just get up and go or say he's going to the library or meet someone.

Can you afford to pay for a private psychologist?

Your message really resonated and I'm sorry you're going through this - it's so heartbreaking.

My year 12 son suffered greatly with his mental health, from year 10 until crisis point at the start of year 12. He is also 6 foot 1 and very skinny.

Here's what we did (we didn't know what we were doing btw, just stumbled our way through it but learnt so much on the way)

Saw our GP and he had blood tests
Contacted mental health charities for advice and support (Young Minds)
Found him counselling (and later CBT therapy - life changer)
Contacted the pastoral lead at school - best thing we did
Listened to him when he wanted to talk
Found something to distract him - he loves cooking and at one point was constantly in the kitchen

Let us know how you get on x

This is good advice.

Thank you so much everyone. Some good advice to consider and it helps to know that we aren’t the only ones , even though I wish no one had to go through it. We used to watch tv together so I will try to reintroduce that time (I loved it too).
My DH has a 45 minute commute each morning and evening with him so he is going to bring up visiting the GP when he thinks that my DS is likely to be receptive to the idea.
I am sure that social anxiety is playing a part and he is waiting to be assessed for ASD which is also likely to be influencing everything. He is very bright and at the moment on track to potentially get 4 A* but again I don’t think that helps. I tell him that there is too much room in his brain to worry about everything!

Wishing you all the best x

@Tearsofthemushroom
You could be talking about my DS he became withdrawn since 2020 when lock down started. The last 3 years have been hell at first we thought it was social anxiety as well but he was diagnosed with ASD in November 2022 at 18 years of age. There were never any signs he was the perfect student at school all grade 9's and A stars but when he got home he was a different person. He is at university now still living at home but struggling to accept his diagnosis. He is barely communicating with us and is not socialising at all at university. Good luck with your DS.