Help - 14 year old drinking

[Failingteenparenting]

I would really appreciate any advice please.

14 year old DD is a delight most do the time. No teenage grumpiness, does amazingly at school, passionate about her after school hobbies, very social and enthusiastic about everything.

But she’s a pleasure and thrill seeker and has been since birth. As a teen this is proving problematic. Twice this month she has got hold of vodka. Once at a sleepover with just one friend, in that friend’s house, they drunk to a state of vomiting and wetting themselves. They were not found out but she confessed all to me. We had serious talks re drinking spirits, re not drinking at all in year 9 etc. I didn’t outright punish her as she’d told me the truth and I wanted to encourage that.

Then yesterday she asked to go to a park with friends for the afternoon. I said yes. She came home smelling of vodka and vapes and clearly tipsy. It was only 8pm. I took her upstairs and she confessed she’d also kissed a boy. Again she was very open and truthful but also clearly very happy with the whole experience. We had another long chat about age appropriate behaviour. She nods along but I am not sure it’s going in.

What do I do now? Ground her? Take away her allowance? I worry that punishments will stop the truthfulness and push the behaviour underground. But is there another way when the last talk had so little impact?

dont let your teen hang around in the park aimlessly. or in the shopping mall. If she goes out it is to an activity, or to a house supervised by an adult.

She’s very young to drink vodka but you have a great relationship - I think you have to curb her going out to be honest

I think you are taking the right approach so far as she is being honest and open with you but I'd not be allowing any sleepovers or hanging out at parks for the foreseeable future.

The country of Iceland turned around their awful teen drink/drug situation with a range of interesting measures, including responding to the "thrill seeking" you mention. This article explains more.

I’ll probably get shot down for this, but realistically you can’t stop her unless you don’t let her leave the house or you punish her, both these options will just drive the behaviour underground, it won’t stop it, it will just stop her telling you about it.

I would have open and honest conversations about it, listen to her and keep the conversation open and going. Educate her on the risks and dangers, make it clear that you would like it to stop, however her safety is more important, and so is her trusting you. Listen to her and her reasons, it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your daughter and she clearly trusts you.

So hard navigating the teenage years!!

At 14 I was experimenting with drink, smoking and kissing boys (some friends were going further and some were experimenting with drugs). So I see it as normal behaviour.

Hopefully the first vomming experience will put her off doing that again.

The only difference is that I never spoke to my mum about it, so it's great that you have such a close relationship. But explaining the dangers, age-appropriate behaviour etc is all good too.

By the way, I have a groups if friends with similar-aged kids. Some know what their kids are up to and allow them to take a small bottle if Prosecco out with them. Some of the others are completely in the dark and adamant that their kids are angels and don't get involved - but we know they do as the other kids feed back the gossip! I'd much rather be one of the parents being kept in the loop!

I did all that stuff but hid it. I decided I'd rather support my teen and keep him safe particularly because he is a T1 Diabetic and drink and drugs will make him very vulnerable.

Although I would far rather he just stayed away from it all, it is a normal part of growing up.

He is a mature, responsible 15 year old who is doing well at school.

I hid everything growing up and put myself in lots of dangerous environments as a result. I don't want the same for my kids.

Is there any chance she is telling you about it as what she wants deep-down is for you to ground her or similar, so she can tell her mates it’s your fault she can’t come out? So she’s actually seeking that boundary but can’t ask for it herself?

She’s 14. There’s a perception on MN that all teens are like this at times and you can’t really stop them. I can tell you as a secondary school teacher for 17 years and safeguarding lead, they’re definitely not all doing it. A minority are hanging round the park getting drunk but the majority are either at home in their bedrooms or out doing more structured activities like sport or cadets or whatever. It’s OK to take a hard line on this.

Thanks all. I will come down harder on her.

I like the article about finding more wholesome activities to get a natural high but I also feel like we do that. She acts in plays regularly, she does karate for hours each week, she’s doing Duke of Edinburgh. We eat together as a family at least four times a week. She’s not on her phone much. I check her screen time on her phone most days and it rarely goes above 60 mins which is way better than my screen time.

It bodes well that she can talk to you about this. I took some time using water to show my teens …

• What “one drink” looks like for beer, wine and spirits
• Always assume you can handle two or three drinks only
• How much it will take to make yourself ill
• How much more than that comes in one small bottle of vodka

They were shocked! 14 is young and of course needs tackling, but I think it’s good to also educate them in this way. I took it as a small parenting win when our spirit measure went missing one weekend and turned up in my daughters room 😂

I think drinking obviously isn't good, but it's better than vapes which are proven to be awful for you. I would explain the dangers and that it won't make you more popular to do that. Just try explain why and know that you won't be able to stop her by grounding her and only will make her be more rebellious