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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Expectations

21 replies

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 19:57

Looking for some opinions / reassurance please! My 17 year old daughters behavior is causing some tension between my husband and I. I just don't know whether he or I is being unreasonable or to what level I should be concerned.

So on the positive she works a full time apprenticeship. Gets up early and goes in every day, works out at the gym every day and sometimes volunteers for parkrun, dresses OK ( by that I mean not ultra revealing ) doesn't drink that I know of and hates smoking with a passion so doesn't do that. I suspect she vapes as I found one in her bag. May or may not be sexually active - no idea. Doesn't have a boyfriend. Her dad made it clear that a boyfriend is totally not allowed so I am certain if she did decide to one day she would just hide it anyway.

So the areas of contention are ; Most of her friends are boys. I personally don't seen an issue with that. It doesn't mean she is sleeping with them all, but my husband doesn't like it. She goes in cars with boys which he doesn't like. If she has a 19 year old friend she meets for dinner and he has a car why would he not collect her ? Drop her back from the gym etc? She often stays out overnight at friends on the weekend ( never during the week when her curfew is 11pm). She tells me its her girlfriends place or sometimes its a boys house but there is a large group of mixed sex friends present because its a party etc. We have no proof of this. I don't know whether this is normal for a 17 year old or not? My husband says its not but I have nothing to compare it to. He also thinks she goes out too much and should be at home more. I would rather she is with her friends and happy ( as long as she is safe) than just sat in her room bored. Lastly she has started telling us she is going out rather than asking if she can. My husband finds this disrespectful. I think its just her trying to be independent.

In the scheme of things I don't think her behavior is completely way out. I'm sure she will calm it down in a few years when the novelty wears off . However the constant comments and looks of disapproval from my husband is getting me down. His go to comment is that she is only 17 and its not normal.

What do you think? Any experience of this?

OP posts:

Howmanysleepsnow · 29/04/2023 20:05

It’s very normal.

tallcypowder · 29/04/2023 20:05

My goodness she is nearly an adult.

This is crazy. You will push her away.

Course you can say no boyfriends in the house but anything else wow.

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 20:07

she sounds amazing.

Nimbostratus100 · 29/04/2023 20:08

I would worry about lifts from teenage boys whose driving might not be very good, I understand that concern. The driving of teenage boys is the biggest killer on teenage girls. Maybe give her a taxi fund so she can always get home safely

cansu · 29/04/2023 20:15

Your husband sounds like a controlling arse. I bet he also bosses you around.

Polik · 29/04/2023 20:19

Average well behaved 17 year old.

You sound like controlling parents

Original poster

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 20:26

Thanks everyone. Its reassuring to hear. I think my husband always thinks the worst. Maybe because he got up to no good when he was a lad?! Also he is North African and the culture there is different so maybe he forgets that. Also times have changed. We didn't have mobiles growing up so parents knew who their kids friends were more so than today. I think he is a bit OTT with worrying / being suspicious about my daughter but he doesn't boss me around.
Its true that in a year she will be an adult and do what she wants. I try to explain that she works, cab drive a car etc so can't be considered that young. I do feel he is pushing her away because if she does say where she is / asks if she can stay out she asks me and not him. He doesn't like feeling left out but I think his suspicions have caused her to not want to approach him.
Good point about the driving. I do worry sometimes as there have been quite a few fatal car accidents locally where the whole car of teens sadly died. Teen boys are not known for great driving. I think however in my husbands case its because they are boys. I am convinced if a girl picked her up he would be fine about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 20:28

I don't see myself as controlling. Maybe I am but if so, I am unsure what I am doing that is controlling.

OP posts:

Whochangedmynamec · 29/04/2023 20:30

Damn! Strict much?

Trying to tell adults who are legally allowed to have sex not to have sex is self defeating.

Trying to control an adult is wrong imho.

Whochangedmynamec · 29/04/2023 20:31

Honey she’s allowed to get married snd have sex at 16 not 18.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 29/04/2023 20:32

You DH sounds controlling and over protective, I wonder if he would feel the same about a 17 year old boy. I think you need to discuss things with him so that hopefully both of you can be parenting more similarly.

He needs to realise that she's almost an adult and that he can't try to control her by disapproving of her and restructuring her. He needs to model the respect that he wants people /men to treat her.

Original poster

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 20:37

All good points thank you. I think if she were a boy then he would probably be more lenient.
I have tried to explain that I think overall she is a good young person. Lets be honest, telling her she can't have a boyfriend won't mean she won't. She will just hide it. Also if she is having sex then I wouldn't expect her to come home and talk about it ( I know some parents probably do talk to their kids about it but I know I wouldn't have). My parents have no idea about my sexual history!

OP posts:

3487642I · 29/04/2023 20:37

Her dad sounds controlling. He perhaps doesn't realize he will have zero control over her when she turns 18? He'd be better off explaining his concerns to her and treating her with respect. Hopefully your daughter will realise his behaviour is not healthy as you don't want her to accept this degree of
controlling attitude in a boyfriend. if I were in your shoes I'd explain to my daughter that dad has these attitudes but I don't agree with them, and talk to her about the things that are important to you. You can have your own relationship with her, and this would be the best thing you can do, so she feels she has at least one parent she can confide in and come to if she needs help. She is old enough to realise you are a separate person from her dad.

Original poster

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 20:41

I have tried telling my husband that I think he is being a bit strict but he disagrees with me. Having said that, he doesn't actually stop her going out etc, he just makes me feel uncomfortable when she does. I sometimes just think it might be a case of waiting it out. Once she is 19,20, 21 maybe he will adjust ?! She did ask how is she supposed to get married in the future if she isn't allowed a boyfriend. Good point. Actually my husband and I were not married when my daughter was born so in some respects his opinions are quite hypocritical.

OP posts:

Original poster

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 20:45

They had a chat a few months back. He said to her as long as you respect yourself and you are safe and happy then that's fine with me for you to stay out. They hugged and she went out and both were happy.... for a few days. Then he started getting all suspicious again. I do think his attitude makes her more secretive. She must feel the disapproval and not want to speak to him as much.

OP posts:

Vallmo47 · 29/04/2023 20:45

Worrying is normal, it’s hard letting go! I think you sound fab OP and that you’re doing the right thing so that she continues to turn to you if she needs. ♥️

Original poster

cottonhead · 29/04/2023 20:59

Thank you Vallmo47.
I almost wish he could hear the viewpoint of someone else because at the moment its just his opinion against mine and neither of us is budging. I know he cares and that's what drives him to be this way but its backfiring for sure.

OP posts:

lailamaria · 30/04/2023 18:21

why should she have to wait until she's 21 for her dad to stop disapproving of her choices especially when he has no reason too, it's unfair for her especially because you aren't on her side you just expect her to accept it and possibly face punishment for doing something her dad deems awful but is in fact totally normal

Rollergirl11 · 30/04/2023 18:59

To be frank your DH sounds like a misogynistic dick and he is going to end up pushing your DD away. For him It’s not about her being safe and happy, it’s about her behaving in a way that he sees fit. Out of interest how is he with you? Does he expect you to behave in a certain way also? Does he ever comment when you go out or question your friends?

My DD is 17 and at college. She has a boyfriend that she’s been seeing for 6 months who is 19. She has a part-time job and is earning money. She has a big group of friends; male and female that she sees most weekends. In fact she went to a “gav” at a friends house last night and slept over. There were a mixture of girls and boys there. She probably got drunk and vaped. I picked her up this morning, she came home for a few hours before her boyfriend picked her up and they went out together. She will be back at some point tonight but I don’t know when.

This is how it should be. In a years timr my DD will be off at uni and we will have no idea what she is getting up to! Your DD isn’t doing anything unusual. The issue is with your DH.

Maybe you should show him the responses on this thread?

DemonicCaveMaggot · 30/04/2023 19:06

Your DD should be allowed to have a boyfriend and to introduce him to her family. I would not like the thought of my 17 year old DD feeling she had to date in secret and not knowing if her boyfriend was nice or throwing up more red flags than a May Day parade.

BackAgainstWall · 30/04/2023 23:37

It’s only because he cares.

It’s very hard to let go and as much as she transitions into adulthood, he also has to try and be realistic and keep up with it.

There’s nothing easy about have teens. At least when they’re little, you can always protect them.

I’m sure he’ll get there with a little help from you.

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