Don’t know what to do with Dd 16😭

[ArseInTheCoOpWindow]

She has high functioning ASd.

She won’t go to school as she’s overloaded and hates everyone there. She is at the end of yr12. There’s one subject she loves, but won’t go to because ‘no one likes her’ she had a friend at school who totally dominates her and she can’t get away from. This ‘friend’ is being nasty behind her back. Despite being much cleverer than ‘friend’ Dd is only doing 2 a levels due to overload. The ‘friend’ has managed to isolate Dd away from other groups of friends.She says people call her ‘socially awkward’ We have applied for an ECHP

She wants to leave and go somewhere else. I suspect she will just take the same problems with her. She’s sat in her room all day. No one is texting her. She’s crying and saying she has no friends. Anything l suggest she won’t do. She says she wants a fresh start. I’m sure the same thing will happen again. Here’s some of my suggestions with her responses.

Part time job: can’t talk to people.
Join a group: everyone else knows each other.
Go back to school: no way
Do A levels at home: she needs social contact

etc etc.

College is in town centre about 40 mins bus journey. She struggles with overload as it is. How is this going to help? A local 6 th form does rhe course she wants to do, but she won’t go because 2 people from last year in her school went there.

l just don’t know what to do for the best. She needs social interaction, but too much drains her. She’s said she wants home education, but she’d have no social contact at all.

lm at my wits end.

Anyone?

Not a good time to move. She only has a year to go and she’s done.

is there any support from College?

This is my thought. Yeah, school are being helpful. She could do the whole course from home tbh. I’m a secondary school teacher, l could help her.

I don’t know what to do. She’s refusing to go back.

Have a (free) chat with Therese Langford of https://www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy - she specialises in working with children.

Lots of students jump ship early regarding school and still go on to become successfull.
Sometimes an interruption from schooling can do wonders. Anxiety levels are able to come down allowing calmness as well as new perspectives.
HE students very often have a wide mix of friends all different ages and backgrounds, people who have never HE fail to realise this.They are not just stuck within four walls all day, they are constantly out and about mixing in the real world.
Your daughter would soon form a different set of friends, maybe she could volunteer for a few hours somewhere, or offer to walk dogs etc, there are online student forums, she wouldn't be on her own unless it was her own choosing.

I’ve told her all this. I’ve suggested hypnosis in the past. I’ve said about volunteering, she finds a reason to say no to everything.

So we can’t move forward.

Because she is ASD she finds it hard to talk to people first. Although ironically she needs interaction.

I'd still suggest you, not your daughter, talk to Therese - she works with children with ASD/ADHD and might be able to give you some advice.

I can try. But she has situational/ hierarchical mutism.

Situational mute autisic/adhder, 65, here.

Fuck all the solutions that seem obvious.
Reassure her she's good and loved, and that 'friends' are optional extras in life, not the main thing.
Offer her a month when no-one mentions school, college or the future at all. No mention of 'friends' or 'socialising'. When she focuses on herself, on being gentle with her fears and sorrows, when she can stay in bed late unquestioned, read, game, whatever. Some asders take to mindfulness, others don't. Suggest she explores that on youtube etc. Don't have a set objective for the end of the month - let her see what she thinks and feels after a time with the pressure off.

People don't have to do everything at the time set by the education system.
She's in pain now. Reduce the pain and the problem might solve itself.

That’s where we are. I’m trying to reduce everything.

We were here last year op, and dd was in a very dark place, it was terrifying when we realised the extent. The first thing I did was take her to our gp and ask for an emergency mental health appointment and an appointment for her with the school mental health team. We managed to get her back to a really good place when we worked out her triggers and safety nets, and it turned out to be a combination of hormones, exam stress and feeling over whelmed with large groups of people. It's turned around completely.

I'd move her. Yes, it's not the best of times educationally, but she's not going at all right now. I'm asd/adhd and moving away from the people I was at school with was the best thing I could have done. She's anxious, distressed, overwhelmed and very unhappy where she is now. A 40 minute bus ride is doable with a good pair of active noise cancelling earphones.

Look at it this way, if you worked somewhere where people dominated you, took the piss out of you and stopped you making our keeping friends, you'd move jobs, yes?

@Mabelface thsnk you. That’s really helpful. I never thought about it like that.