19 Year Old F Bombed Dad

[jimjam2313w]

Im a 55 year old dad. I grew up with violence and my dad would often hit us when he was frustrated / we did something "wrong". I've always tried not to allow anger and violence into the household. I've never hit my now 19 year old son. I've lost my temper a few times, and always spoken to him about it afterwards.

He's always been pretty good. Maybe we just want to see him that way. His mum is disabled and suffers from chronic pain, depression and agoraphobia. She sleeps most of the time.

I guess, emotionally, he has had a lot to deal with. I was very close to him until recently and we could always talk one to one and man to man pretty ok, I thought.

He left school without wanting to further his education, so I told him he had to pay digs. He seems ok with that and pays his digs. We have to chase him but he pays. I just didn't want him becoming unemployed, even though he wanted to take "a gap year" and just basically do nothing.

Anyway, recently he has become more and more non communicative, He spends all of his time with his girlfriend (I'm cool with that, of course. That's what I would expect) but I felt sad when he bailed on a concert we had booked months previously.

Anyway, the point of this thread. He is supposed to be responsible for the recycles. He used to help with gardening and cleaning the car. He wouldn't do it consistently so I took over. Yeah I know thats probably a mistake. So the recycles are his responsibility.

We chase him every time.

Anyway, we warned him that if the recycles weren't done he would be woken up first thing in the morning and asked to do them. I told my wife this was going to cause problems with he and I (because he has been back talking and disrespecting my parental authority for a long time) but she said that was what we were going to do. She had woken him a few times and he had rushed to do it (grumpily).

So on this now fateful day I woke him to do the recycles and he started telling snapping at me about how he had to work (at 6pm that evening). I told him "Don't speak to me like that." and he F bombed me.

I was so upset I told him to get out of my sight.

My wife and I discussed this and came to the conclusion that we should tell our son that if he speaks to me like that again he will be asked to find somewhere else to live. Wow, typing that out makes me sound *** terrible! Anyway, I thought that if he stays here F bombing me and disrespecting the house and just acting like he runs the place then it's worse for him than being asked to leave.

So we told him that, calmly.

A follow up family meeting was scheduled for yesterday. He ran out of the house . I said "We arranged a family meeting!" and he just said "I'm busy, sorry." and drove off.

I felt so weak and stupid that I couldn't look at him when he eventually came home. Today he left the house without a word. We were going to speak to him about everything and tell him that we want to support him, that we dont want him to go, etc etc, but he just doesn't seem to care.

Any thoughts? I sound like a weak guy. I probably am. I just don't want to let anger and frustration determine what happens next. His mother is so upset and all over the place that it is taking an incredible amount of restraint for me to not just lose it, but I am hanging in there.

He's 19. He can remind himself to see his girlfriend and go to work so he should be able to remind himself to sort the bins out. My god, no wonder men expect women to run around after them when they're married. They've been taught that by their mothers. 🙄

I always think such opinionated people on threads about adult children and chores are still basking in the 7yos who want to help with everything stage 😆

I'm finding the transition from parenting children to adults the hardest stage of all so far. If I've learned nothing else from 20 odd years of parenting it's that just as you start to feel all smug because you've got it sorted, the next phase lands or the next child enters a phase that the last one sailed through and shows you how wrong you are!

This is pretty normal for a 19yo. I don’t think being sworn at once is reason to throw him out of the house.

I would simply increase his digs to cover him not contributing much to chores like taking out the blue bin, gardening or DIY.

I would get him his own laundry basket and he can do all his laundry.

I would leave him to buy in his own food and cook his own meals.

Put his mobile phone account in his name and he can pay for it.

Time to start treating him as an adult.

Hes essentially a lodger at this point. So you and his mum need to transition from being parents of a child, to parents of an adult. You have no parental authority over a 19yr old. Not legally and not practically.

“We have to chase him but he pays.”
Digs needs to be set up as a monthly or weekly standing order from his account to yours.

I don't think you're being weak. Teenagers seem born to annoy the hell out of parents with their rude, belligerent behaviour. I think it's nature's way of telling us we need to let them go.

Not easy though. Give yourself a break. It's not easy. But then they are going to be rude and F bomb occasionally so maybe lighten up a bit and "don't sweat the small stuff".

I agree with this.

I think this is sensible advice.

”Teenagers seem born to annoy the hell out of parents with their rude, belligerent behaviour”

This is very true. I still recall the time one of mine said ‘stop being a little bitch’ to me when I was on them about this habit they started of kicking doors closed which meant they almost slammed.

Talking about kicking him out because he swore at you seems a little extreme.

I know all families are different some are more sweary by nature and so saying fuck wouldn’t seem like a big deal, and some people never say it so it does. But honestly pick your battles

that said, he’s an adult living at home and should contribute towards the household. Maybe give up on set jobs, but when he’s around get him to put a wash on/hoover up/take the bins out, whatever needs doing in that moment.

The problem with that is being an adult isn't something you earn, being an adult is something you are. When they get to that age of you push to hard they'll go no contact

I think a few quite limited people on here are giving you a hard time and belittling you.

If you don’t want to say the F word, then don’t. It shows you’ve got good strong standards in place.

I understand your frustration with your DS. His life does sound pretty good by all accounts and he can’t be bothered to show a bit of willing and take the recycling out. It’s not a lot to ask.

But I’m sure it’s nothing that can’t be addressed when you’ve both calmed down and can talk about it sensibly.

He needs to pull a bit of weight and stop being so entitled.

If he refuses, like someone unthread said - increase his rent to compensate for the extra strain and stress it puts on you.

He also needs to be told that swearing at you is a dealbreaker.

At the end of the day it’s not a lot to ask and it’s your house and your rules.