Homework tantrums etc

[Remmy123]

My almost teen boy has huge meltdowns / screams shouts when he has homework.

this morning I said he cannot go on x box until homework is done - he started screaming and shouting saying it's not due in until Thursday (we have to help him but work so cannot help in the week) we have no plans today so good use of time.

he started shouting at me. Told me to shut up / idiot / hates me etc because I got cross with him as he was refusing to do his homework.

I took phone off him and he is banned from x box until I get a good hour of work and focus from him.

i have this most times he has homework and it's very wearing - even the neighbours hear him shouting I have to apologise each time.

how do I deal with these?

he never has this behaviour at school just at home.

It's really hard but I'd let him get on with it by himself and if he doesn't do it it's on him and his teachers to deal with. Better he learns now than later. I say this as a parent of a DS age 15 who would refuse etc. I used to get cross etc and it caused so much upset, made no difference. Much better to keep a good relationship with him!
As long as he knows you are there to help if he needs it, he has the resources to do it, just leave it up to him!!

I would leve him to it, and let him suffer the school consequences for not doing homework.
So, Hey DS, I see you've got History homework. Would you like me to help you with it (why are you helping your 12 year old with homework, btw?) at the weekend, or are you doing it by yourself after school one day?

He is old enough to decide when to do his homework. You can reasonably say, if you want help with it, you have to do it sometime today. It’s not due until Thursday so I think you’re being overbearing insisting he must do it now and cannot play x box until he has done it.

Is there a reason you need to help him?

i would make two things clear to him - when your free to help and that if things aren’t done he faces the consequences in school. Then leave him to it, don’t create a battle of wills.

I think you hit him hard twice. No xbox till homework complete is one thing. To then take the phone as well is leaving with nothing to lose. Both seems a bit heavy handed to me. Its basically saying do it now/when i want or else and you will be punished until you comply. Thats not teaching him about motivating himself or managing his time.

I tend to say if you have homework to do and want my input (my DD needs a little input with maths due to lack of confidence) i am available until i start to cook dinner at 5. I then leave it.

Chances are she will prat on phone and huff and puff and complain its against human rights until 430 then just get her head down and get on. Thats her prerogative.

Other subjects she is able to manage independently and her own time as it requires no input from us.

You deffo need to try sth else as your current approach isnt working for either of you.

I'd have got rid of the Xbox as soon as he screamed and shouted at me.

I don't get involved in whether my teen's homework is done or not. That's their problem. They get a lunchtime detention if they don't do it.

That’s how my parents would have parented. It is better than the op’a child is able to express how they feel even if it is a strong reaction.

My children have done a milder version of this type of behaviour. I found it happened when I kept overstepping an appropriate boundary they wanted to put in place now they were older that I wasn’t ready for. I would do what pp said and say if you want help with homework, you’ll have to do it this morning as that is when I can help you and leave them to it. My reception/year 1 aged child gets to choose when they do their homework and home tasks like getting pack lunch and putting clean clothes away. I tell them when I can help them and then it’s up to them to choose.

Is there a reason you need to help with homework? If not leave him to it, he's in high school and it's his responsibility.
If he spoke to me like that he wouldn't be getting the Xbox for the week. If he gets it after he does the work it's like a reward for bad behaviour

Just to add, not that I accept disrespectful behaviour. One of mine threw their shoes in my direction in temper once as I said I was cleaning shoes if he wanted to give me his to do while I was doing mine. I didn’t threaten him or his possession or anything else but I told him that I would never tolerate being treated that way and he was never to do it again… and meant it… and he hasn’t! But they’re allowed to very occasionally shout (and even swear at me in the house but never out of it) and speak in a way my parents would view as disrespectful when upset. My DH and I do that with each other very occasionally when rowing - so teenagers get to act the same way as us in heated moments too. I always apologise when I very occasionally lose my temper and they’ve picked that habit up too and always apologise.

That’s how my parents would have parented.

I think I do parent just like my own parents. Looking back, I feel as if I had a good and stable childhood. I always knew where I stood I suppose and that if I shouted and screamed at my mother, called her an idiot and told her I hated her that there would be consequences to that.

I had a happy and loving childhood and I have a fantastic relationship with my parents now. And with my teenagers so I probably did subconsciously replicate the way I was parented with my own children.

I think I look at consoles in a different way from possessions because they are a way of spending time rather than an item. Although they are obviously a physical item as well.

Thanks everyone for your input

I do sometimes think he should suffer the consequences and get the detentions. thing is not sure he is that bothered about getting the detentions.. or so he says!

Once they get to teen stage I don't think you can force them to do it, all you can do is continue to try to motivate them to do it by planting seeds and opening discussions about what type of future/job they want, what the next steps could be for them, how having qualifications could open some doors for him whether it be uni, college, apprenticeships, jobs etc.

Let him get a detention.

Will it impact on you if he does? I used to have to do a 26 mile round trip if my DC got a detention. If they happened too often I would threaten to charge them petrol money (they actually preferred to have a detention and a lift home than go on the bus)

You're going to have to back off at some point. Remind him the homework needs doing, say you're available to help now, but won't be later in the week and then leave it. He'll either not do it, do it badly independently, or do it with your help. The choice is his. Tell him in advance when you'll be available, not "you must do your homework now because it's the only time I can help you."