Being strict won't work

[maybejustonemorebiscuit]

Hello, I'm new to this. I'm having issues with my dh and our teenage son.
Our teenage son has zero interest in school. He has failed all his prelims. He is unlikely to pass his exams. He has no interest in studying. He did ok at Nat 5 level but would need to put more work in for his Highers so is failing. He has no interest in academic study but equally doesn't know anything else that he wants to do.
I feel that we should be helping him make study plans and helping him revise.
DH feels that if he doesn't want to do it, we shouldn't even bother trying.
Dh also didn't do brilliantly at school but got a job with his dad. From there he did in work training and now actually works in a different field altogether. This is not really an option for our DS. DH is not his own boss and competition to get into the same area is pretty fierce.
I was away with work for the last week. We had agreed that DS shouldn't go out with his friends so much and try and study. Dh went against this so DS has hardly been home. He was messing around with his mates and has yet again done no studying. DS is always out but his friends are trying to study sometimes. DS thinks he is the coolest of cool. I think when reality hits and he cannot stay at school as hasn't passed his highers he is going to get an awful shock. He is going to get left behind.
I am annoyed that DH is being so laid back about it all. The job market in our local area is not the same as it was when we were leaving school. It really isn't going to be so easy

In case it isn't clear. I think my DS is being an idiot too. But he is young and I think as parents we should be trying to guide him to make good decisions not sit back and let him think that it is ok.
DS seems to think he can play on his computer and that he will make money selling stuff. I have no idea what he means...I think he expects us to buy him fancy trainers and then thinks he can sell them for profit. That is not going to happen. We cannot- well more I will not bank roll him to sit on his backside and carry on. He needs some kind of plan. Staying at school longer to figure things out seems to be the best option but he is shattering that avenue. I'm

Oops don't know where the extra "I'm" came from.

You can't make him study if he isn't interested. He failed his prelims, he's old enough to understand what that means.

He maybe needs the shock of failing and having to go to college to resit. Or find something else to do with his time. I think the only thing you can do is sit down with him and make it clear you are not bankrolling him. He will need to get some kind of job if he leaves school.

How old is he, and there must be other less academic options - an apprenticeship in some sort of trade? Not everyone is academic and if that isn't the path for him then I can kind of see his point. Equally, not doing anything to secure his future shouldn't be an option either. Good skilled reliable tradesmen are worth their weight in gold and never short of work, from painters and decorators to plumbers, mechanics, electricians. If something like that likely to appeal to him?

You can keep him at home, doesn’t mean he will study. You can’t force a child or teen to learn - encourage a teen that wants to learn.

why doesn’t your ds want to learn and study? Do you ever do revision with him? What style of learner is he?

I don't know what age that means, but I do know with older teens you need to help them make good decisions and put up with their mistakes. Where does he get money from to go out?

what does he want to do in life? What are his dreams, goals? Some just aren't made for academics.

Nat 5 is the Scottish equiavalent of GCSE done at roughly 15-16 years old, after which you can generally leave school unless you are not yet 16. Highers are taken the following year, what in England would be Y12 or the lower sixth, so OP's son is above school leaving age

Buying stuff and selling it for profit... my teenager used to come out with that too, he had been inflicted by Andrew Tate who tells them they can all be rich.

Buying stuff and selling it for profit... my teenager used to come out with that too, he had been inflicted by Andrew Tate who tells them they can all be rich.

I'd say let him try it and see if it works. I know people who made quite a success this way.

God I worry about this with my son. He’s only ten, not great academically and doesn’t enjoy it, he’s worried about failing exams whilst simultaneously refusing to do anything out of school to help him catch up!

TBF to him, I think part of the problem is that we have a ridiculously academic school system, it never used to be this bad, which leaves no route for less academic kids, who then become demotivated and stop trying. You can see why they do this really. Most adults don’t have the motivation to stick at something they aren’t good at and don’t enjoy, yet we expect teens too.

i don’t have any advice, but I do think we have designed a crap, narrow education system that fails many kids.