Curfews/freedom for teens

[bathsh3ba]

Ok, please be kind if this is a stupid question. I'm a single parent of two girls who are 14 and 15. We've lived rurally for the past 6 years with no bus service to speak of so the issue of curfews hasn't really come up as I have to drive them anywhere they go.

This summer we are moving into the town they go to school at and I work in. For the first time they will have more freedom and be able to see friends after school and at weekends more easily.

They are generally good girls, they are confident in the town centre and it will be either a 25 min walk or a bus ride home.

This is what I'm thinking of:

Mon - Thurs termtime they have to be home by 6.30pm for supper

Weekends/holidays they get their own lunches (either from food in house or out using their allowance) but have to tell me if they will be in for supper. Curfew 9.30pm to start with, will extend as they show they can be trusted or could be later for a special event.

I have to know where they are, as in town, at friends house and they have to take and answer their phone

If schoolwork suffers these privileges get cut.

Is this fair/too lax/too strict?

I’d say 6.30pm mon-Thursday term time is quite strict. Maybe depends on the area? My teen (14) is usually home by 9.30 as are most of their friends. Homework is done before they go out and dinner is reheated when they get in.

Not a chance I’d have my 14 and 15 year old just out on a Friday and Saturday until 9.30. Or would be Friday OR Saturday

friends house only … sure as long as I know who and they let me know when leaving

And do they do any sport clubs after school?

My teen finishes school
sports straight after 2x a week
other 3 nights including Friday - home, chill, homework, chill
Saturday - sport in morning, chill in afternoon, meet with friends and either stays over or come here or just goes to the cinema

girl. 14

But what do they do when they go out mid week until 9.30?

Seems find to me, mine went out but anything after yea was by arrangement and I knew where they were (ish at least) the younger it turns out didn't always tell me the truth!

They don't do any sport, most school clubs are lunchtime. One does Drama on a Wed night which I'd still have to take her to.

I guess I feel the evening family meal on weekdays is important. They tend to do homework after supper and have downtime first

Op I was on your other thread! What happened with your boyfriend? Are you moving with him?

Sorry should have posted on the other thread!

DD15 is out much later on a Friday or Saturday (eg 11pm) but only at a specific friend’s house or at the cinema or whatever not just going into town (and generally I know all the friend). I pick her up. During the week she either has sport after school or goes for a coffee straight from school, home by about 5.30.

I wouldn't try to impose blanket limits. But rather move and see what happens on a case by case basis.

My eldest is 15 and I'm never happy with not knowing roughly what he's doing. (E.g. heading to x area with x friends to play basket ball.....they might detour and go elsewhere but I know they have reasons- to knock for someone or buy a drink etc)

If he is going to a friends fir tea and watch a movie it might be a later curfew than playing out in winter....

Also, my 3 kids are different children with different friends which will also affect the curfew.

Sometimes they go to the gym then hang out with their friends playing football, other times they’ll go to the next town where their school is and walk about with friends or go to someone’s house. It’s not unusual here so that’s why I said it might depend on the area?

Sorry that was in reply to @Cleoforever

But how do they fit in homework if doing this every night or most nights?

I guess I feel the evening family meal on weekdays is important

it is.

They get home from school just before 4 and usually don’t go out til around 5.30 so do it then. It’s not every night, but they prefer going out during the week and don’t go out as much on a Friday or Saturday night.

I have no blanket rules for mine but they wouldn't want to be out every night anyway, they like their downtime. I wouldn't allow them to be just "out" wandering round town in the evening. If they're at a friend's or at a specific place eg cinema/bowling that's fine, I would collect them if it was going to be late unless they already had a lift sorted. Not keen on them being on public transport late in the evening especially if on their own but they can get bus/train until about 7pm.

I have life360 as a condition of us paying for their phones and also expect them to get in touch if plans change. They are mostly sensible and respond to messages etc.

Sorry being nosy - when do they have dinner?

impressed they do homework as soon as they walk in!

We don't have a set curfew.

Teen let's us know their plans and keeps us informed of any changes. Anything that involves lifts or late nights needs to be negotiated.

Homework is managed by an app so we can see if it's been done.

If dinner is ready he’ll have it with us before he goes out, if not he’ll just reheat it when he gets in?
He doesn’t have homework everyday but would rather get it over with earlier

@Cleoforever no, I'm not moving with my boyfriend. I'm seeing him this weekend and will break it off then, I don't think it's right to do it any other way than in person after 18 months. This move has been on the cards for six months or so, I've finally completed a property chain so hopefully moving in July. As soon as he made it clear he wasn't moving things forward any time soon (which was after a year) I made plans to move me and my girls.

I'm not anticipating they'd be out every night or all weekend, just trying to gauge how much freedom to give them as they've never really had that option!

I expect they would like the option to go for a coffee/ice cream in town with a friend after school, or shopping which is why I suggested 6.30pm on school days. School doesn't finish till 4.30pm some days. I wasn't allowed out on school nights except to an extra-curricular club so I kind of assumed the same for them.

At weekends I anticipate they might want to go to the cinema with friends, or to get pizza or bowl. There isn't a lot else to do unless I drove them somewhere or they got the bus to the next big city, which we'd have to work up to as they don't know their way around it yet. Or they might just go to a friend's house - but I wouldn't want them to just hang around and they're too young to go 'out out' at night, though I guess I was going out drinking on a Sat night at 16. I don't think it's as easy to drink underage as it used to be though, and they aren't interested in alcohol really.

@bathsh3ba

Given the way he has behaved - I’d drop him a perfunctory message 🤷‍♀️

6:30 on a week night sounds very reasonable and is the same for my 14 year old. Family dinner is very important to us.

Weekends it totally depends on what the activity/arrangement is, zero chance he’s hanging around in town in the evening! If he’s at a friends house then I would pick him up around 9pm. Sometimes a group of them sit in a park on a summer evening and have a picnic supper, I will still pick up at 9. If it’s a meal in town I might possibly extend to 9:30 but that’s my limit. We also all have find my friend on our phones. By a lot of mumsnet standards I’m probably regarded as too controlling/restricting, I don’t care, our rules work for us.