What advice to give to DD re unkind comments

[pigalow27]

My DD is very tall and a size 4-6, long legs, very toned, long wavy hair. She is very self conscious that she has a 'strong' nose and longs for a small nose. Her nose is not hooked; it is just a bit larger but a regular shape. I have always tried to minimise her worries saying that it is not something that stands out and that it is eyes and smiles that make someone attractive. However some hideous dick made a really unkind comment when she was out with friends and she is utterly crushed and now speaks of saving fir a nose job. What would you do?

I would tell her about “negging” and how he was trying to get her attention and get under her skin.

i would then ask her who her favorite celebrities are, and I would have a sit down with her and look through media and pick apart their appearances.

I would then tell her “do you see how unique they all are? They’re not perfect. What do they have in common?”

and by this means bring her to see that they hold themselves with confidence. That if she learned to gain confidence, love her nose like it’s a special, wonderful unique addition to her appearance, it’s like Cara Delvigne’s huge eyebrows- pretty soon everyone’s going to wish they had her fierce, bold nose.

it’s going to take a bit of time and consistent work, but by God, I would not let some stupid fucking boy form her ongoing narrative about her looks.

she needs to locate her inner fighter.

also. I’d mention to her that actors - famous actors- have ruined their careers by wanting to look like everyone else, and getting work done. :(

I agree so much. I think Phoebe Waller Bridge is absolutely stunning and think she would be less stunning with some tiny generic nose. I also admire how she shows her birthmark and doesn't cover it up. Unfortunately teenage girls seem to have a very standard idea of how you must look to be 'pretty.'

How old is she?

The media puts so much pressure on young girls.

She is 16

Not a fan of the media but tbf it is not the media causing the trauma but an unkind comment about her having a fucking huge nose from this boy.

There are so many beautiful actresses and singers( probably actors too ) who will only be photographed from certain angles.
There are also people who photograph well but in real life they are not so attractive.

Another poster could be correct … negging !

I think the actress Jennifer Grey was absolutely stunning when her original self with 'strong' nose. Breathtakingly beautiful.
When she had altered her appearance with surgery she took some character from her face and whilst still beautiful, I think she lost the 'Je ne sais quoi' she had previously.
Was totally unrecognisable when she appeared in Friends and not in a good way.
😕

Yes it’s absolutely vile name calling! And so awful she feels so self conscious. Has she experimented with make up/contouring etc? I have a biggish nose too and find contouring really helps, I know she shouldn’t have to but if it was to help her feel more confident at least.

this is an interesting video (I love Karolina anyway). She discusses how we look at people's features and how they go in and out of fashion.

She also does really good make-up tutorials sometimes, or how to dress in particular historical styles (the Goth one is stunning)

I'm not sure if it's in this video (it is nearly half an hour) that she explains how she used to hate her nose, but came to the conclusion that it is HER nose and it is part of her. A difficult lesson for a teenager, maybe, but worth hearing.

OP, she sounds absolutely stunning.
I agree with the comment about negging. The Dick in question knew he wouldn't stand a chance with her, hence his mean comment.

I think what you should be doing is reminding your daughter that being pretty is not the main/only thing a woman has to offer to the world...

As long as we, and society in general, give the message to young girls that what they look like is the most important thing and that the opinion of/appealing to men is what matters , then they will continue to have low self-esteem.

I would encourage her to think about her brains, character, talents...rather than the size of her nose.

The comments here are still focusing on wanting to reassure her that she is pretty.

When they should be about given her the tool and confidence of not giving a fuck about what some random man thinks of her.

Barbra Streisand.
Lady Gaga.
And many many more. Talent will out.

Teenage years can be dreadful, I too had/have a 'strong' nose similar to how you describe hers (not hooked or excessively large but straighter and more prominent than the 'button nose' that everyone wanted) and I hated it during my teen years. I was sure I would get surgery one day. I'm in my early 30s now and can honestly say I love my nose, not even in the sense that I've embraced 'radical acceptance' and totally rejected conventional beauty standards but I actually think it suits my face and I like that I look a little distinctive. Most people are 'growing into their faces' during puberty anyway and I think for those of us with strong noses this applies even more so. That obviously won't help your daughter now, though!

Some comments here are advising you to tell her that looks don't matter and that she should focus on the other things that make her valuable. It is of course true that her looks are the least important thing about her, or about any girl/woman/person, and that this is an important message to emphasise. At the same time, I think to hear this at 16 can feel like a bit of a consolation prize! You so want to feel attractive. I would reassure her that she is beautiful, that there are many ways to be beautiful and that that this boy probably doesn't even believe what he was saying, he just wanted to say something/anything that would elicit a reaction. There is a journalist called Radhika Sanghani who did a campaign called #sideprofileselfie to encourage women to share photos of their strong noses, you might suggest that she has a look at that if you think it would help.

Thank you. I agree with you and feel that she may well literally and metaphorically grow into her nose. I love the look of many women with larger, stronger noses- Giselle, Phoebe Waller Bridge, Gaby Logan but I think teens have a very stereotypical idea of the beauty standard.

I think it just sounds as though that boy looked at her, fancied her, realised she wouldn't go anywhere near him, and thought he'd bring her down a peg or two by insulting her.

Not what you are asking and possibly not within your budget but what about plastic surgery?
I've never had plastic surgery and I wouldn't even have Botox but I think I would get plastic surgery for something if it really bothered me and it was bad enough for people to tease me about it.
I know someone who's child had her ears pinned as a young teen, it was done by the NHS - it made so much difference to her. Her parents originally didn't want her to get it done so young but the girl wanted it done ASAP
It's acceptable to get irregular teeth fixed so I don't see why their is more reluctance to 'fix' unattractive noses.

I feel for her - and you. What a horrible comment to receive.

Other posters have given some helpful suggestions for ways she might frame it for herself. I wanted to share my experience as a teenager.

In my early teens, I broke my nose in an accident. I had to have several surgeries to repair it, and I ended up with a nose that looked quite different to the one I had before (larger, more squashed). I really disliked my new nose, and for a long time I thought I'd want to have further surgery. I took to covering my face a lot.

If I think about it now, or sometimes on certain photos, I still don't like my nose very much. But I don't think about it very much at all.

I think it helped me at the time that my parents weren't unsupportive about the idea of surgery in the future. (I am not for one single second suggesting that your daughter should change her appearance, and certainly not on the basis of comments from other people!) All I mean is that I think it helped me to think that, if it still mattered further down the line as much as it did at the height of my self-conscious mid-teens, I would have the power to do something about it.

I like the video a pp posted about how beauty standards change. The tiny pixie nose is on its way out anyway. Was there a body part you hated but is now in fashion? For example, big round bums were hideous and way out of fashion in the 80s, but for years now they have been in fashion. Emily Blunt has a cleft chin- once thought only acceptable on men, but looks stunning on her. As for noses, fashion and beauty icon Audrey Hepburn had a very large and long nose by today’s standards.

I believe she never really worked again as directors didn't want her with her new boring nose.