16 year old daughter isolated and sad

[Sunflowermam]

Hi, just need any advice or to know if anyone is in a similar situation. My daughter is 16, in last few weeks of Year 11. She has always struggled with maintaining friendships since being in primary school, makes friends really easily but tends to float between groups. As she entered secondary school, this became more of a problem and she began to over think every conversation, every message etc etc and ultimately ended up alone. Covid hit in March of year 8 and then obviously things were very up and down for everyone. By the summer after Year 9 she was diagnosed with an eating disorder, she was basically trying to be thin in order to fit in and for people to
like her. We moved her school at the start of Year 10 to have a fresh start and she made friends straight away but just didn’t manage to keep them, she moved from group to group and constantly worried about what others were saying about her. She has had support from CAMHS for the eating disorder which was very successful and from school staff to support her through this aswell. She has now got to a point where she is not attending school at all because she feels she has nobody and is so overwhelmed with the whole situation. To be fair to her, some of the girls have been horrific in their behaviour towards her. To my knowledge she hasn’t done anything nasty or negative, her only downfall is that she isn’t confident and goes in on herself when in a group her own age.
She has a weekend job which she os doing great in, she has a small group of older (y12/13 college age) friends outside of school she is liked by so many people but she just craves the friendship of school friends and doing fun things. She has now said she feels as low as she has ever felt and is so blank and emotionless when talking about it. She doesn’t want to talk to a counsellor and I feel that although I am desperate to help, I feel there is so much emotional weight involved with every conversation. Am I to just let her get on with things and hope that once exams are done and she start’s college she will pick up and see a brighter future or do I need to seek professional help? Really at my wits end and don’t know what to do.

Where are you based? Just wondering if there are some social type groups we could point you in the direction of. My Dd Y11 has also struggled with school based friendships and does much better socialising via more organised means.

Have a (free) chat with Therese Langford of https://www.facebook.com/calmmindhypnotherapy - she specialises in mental health issues in children.

I work in a college and it can be overwhelming for students coming from school but it can also be a really welcome break and new start. This time of year with exams looming is stressful and the holidays are tough if you think everyone else is off doing social things without you. Maybe another activity or club or up the time she spends with the good friends she already has and emphasis how lovely this is?

Sorry this won’t be much help, but wanted to say I can empathise. My DS who’s nearly 13 is similar. An eternal floater between friendship groups, but can never maintain lasting friendships. He’s a funny, clever lad and it breaks my heart that he’s in this situation. He’s been hurt in the past by so called friends so he very nervous about how he comes across. I hope you both find some peace soon 🙂

oh bless her, I was her, op. I was crippling lonely all through childhood until I went to college at 16 and found some of my people. School can be horrific - my own kids are going through similar and by God I had almost forgotten how evil children can be. Is she homeschooled at the moment as she's not attending school? I only ask as my own local area has a great HS network, can she meet up with other kids that way?

Some children simply do not fit in to school and girls can be very cliquey at that age - mine did much better under the more casual regime of 6th form college.

It is awful to see one's children sad. Has she found www.kooth.com - one of mine found it helpful.

Thanks all for your replies. It’s good to know we are not alone and that others have been through it and got out the other end. Thanks also for the tips and possible sources of support.

Hi op. Sorry if this is something you have already thought of but do you think could be autistic ? I have an autistic daughter ..high functioning ie.fine with school work but massively struggles socially and emotionally

Regarding low mood I have to be honest i would not pin hopes on cahms. They were clear with us there is very little help availabke unless a child is in an emergency situation

Could you take a decision to reduce all demand and stress (this is a tactic used when girls have been masking their autism for too long and mentally collapse)

Focus on finding some joy day to day
She is v young and life will change. The meanness of school comes to an end...she mayflourish as she gets older

Agree, autism in girls is often linked with eating disorders, so certainly worth bearing in mind, with the friendship difficulties too.

It's great that she has some out of school friends and a job. I'd encourage her to see those as her life, and school as something to be endured only for a short amount longer (presumably she'll have to go in to take exams? But you can likely keep her off apart from that) Over the summer encourage her to spend time with her out of school friends. Can she work more hours or find another job, or take up any social activity to help her meet new people. I was miserable myself at school at her age with petty horrible girls in my class and so much happier once at sixth form. Having different out of school friends really helped too.

yes just thinking on this - what you seem to be describing with your daughters social struggles is that she find it difficult working out what people are thinking/ lacks insight into others thoughts and often misinterprets - becomes very anxious about this - a classic autistic trait - this is very very like my own child (although she is younger) - for example my daughter is often very withdrawn and anxious around school despite other children often liking her or wanting to play with her - she pulls away/ or can't quite cope with the friendship, will say no to invitations to play. While she does have friends its a very very slow burn - and as school is a stressful environment I think sometimes it mitigates against friendship/ or any sort of calm happiness etc.

I remember how hard this was. My DC's best friend left school at 16 and my DC was very isolated for those last two years, just depressed in their bedroom, cutting themselves. What helped was they joined a writing group outside school and made friends there, a few older kids who helped them find who they were. Then, off to University, not easy but such a change of life and pace, they grew into themselves.