Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I manage contact with dd and dad

11 replies

Gogogo1 · 10/04/2023 07:51

Dd is 12
mage has disliked going to her dads due as long as I can remember mainly because it’s not home and it’s quite seperate to her home life
dad has never got involved with her life here he has an active social life that he tries to include dd in however to dd it feels like a adults drinking alcohol all afternoon and evening and she is bored and sometimes a bit worried. Have spoken with dad about this but he thinks its not as dd says as such and that although they drink it is child friendly (he has another younger one)
I don’t know what is going on but I’m inclined to believe dd and feel he may be minimising.

dd doesn’t want to go at all, I don’t want her to not have a relationship with her dad. He says he can’t see her in the week only at the weekend cos of work (I know he finished at 5 like I do)

what do we do? How do you manage contact with the non res parent at this age?

iv no doubt he loves her but I think he also loves socialising drinking and it worries me. Plus I don’t think o can force her to go all the time just so she can sit in a pub!

OP posts:
rainyalan · 10/04/2023 08:04

You listen to your daughter and don't make her go. Your ex is the adult and needs to accept the your daughter doesn't want to be around drinking every time.

Original poster
Gogogo1 · 10/04/2023 08:05

Can he take me to court?
my worst nightmare is him doing that and him getting more time that she would struggle with

OP posts:
Gruelle · 10/04/2023 08:15

A court will take the wishes of a 12 year old seriously. They may order contact once a month. They may say that she no longer has to see him at all. Having everything clarified and formalised may well be the best outcome for your daughter.

If you can afford it, contacting a solicitor yourself to set things in motion would help you to feel less powerless.

CAFCASS is likely to be involved.

About Cafcass - Cafcass - Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service

Cafcass represents children in family court cases in England. We put children’s needs, wishes and feelings first, placing them at the heart of family courts

https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/about-cafcass/

liveforsummer · 10/04/2023 08:15

At her age they'd listen to her wants and needs - highly unlikely they'd force contact on a nearly teen explaining this situation

DelphiniumBlue · 10/04/2023 09:22

Why are you thinking about court now?That would be a last resort, surely.

First of all, it sounds as if he wouldn't spare the time and energy to do that.
Secondly, get everything in writing.
You can text/ email saying ' DD doesn't want to come to yours this weekend because she thinks it means spending long periods in the pub getting bored and feeling unsafe while the adults are drinking. Obviously I want to promote the relationship between you and DD which is why I'm giving you the heads up on this. What's the best way forward on this? "
His reply will be either " Oh dear, I didn't realise, can you tell her not to worry and we'll do something else" or something along lines of " you can't tell me what to , I'll do what I want". If it's the second, you can reply, " then DD would prefer not come this weekend ".
If it did end up in court, and you've got a record each time of explaining politely what DDs feelings around his drinking are, and making it clear it's not a refusal but DDs preference not to spend her weekend in a pub, then I can't see how any judge would force her to go more often.
But bear in mind that children do exaggerate- all day in a pub could mean an hour or 2 , with other dc to play with. It's not so terrible if DD isn't doing her favourite things all the time, it's part of normal family life to socialise with other families. It is more of a concern if she feels unsafe.. why does she feel unsafe? Is she ignored? Has she been accosted?
I think you need to be very upfront with her dad , but like I said, in writing, so that his rep,it's are also in writing.

NurseCranesRolodex · 10/04/2023 09:27

Aviod pp about court, you don't need that FFS. Just subtly minimise the visits. Put it down to 'she's getting older, wanting to meet friends' etc. You make an arrangement that he meets her during week for dinner, every few weekends she goes out with him, cinema or something. Eventually she may feel happier with a loose as and when arrangement anyway. He will probably accept it's an age thing. Don't get courts involved it's v traumatic, pp have obviously never been through it.

Original poster
Gogogo1 · 10/04/2023 10:50

How do I approach this though as he says he wants her there on a regular basis for the benefit of his younger child who gets upset when she doesn’t come! I have prev said she doesn’t like drinking events somehow it always ends up happening!
well one of the weekends was 8 hours ina. Pub which I double checked on her life 360

OP posts:
Gruelle · 10/04/2023 11:01

Don't get courts involved it's v traumatic, pp have obviously never been through it.

Conversely, our family experience has been that the CAFCASS / court process was clarifying and finalising. Perhaps we were fortunate - I know the CAFCASS experience can be variable - but we found the child’s wishes were made central to proceedings. There is no inherent reason why it should be a traumatic thing for anyone who has the child’s best interests at heart. No one is on trial. It is simply a series of meetings to establish what will be best, going forward.

WheelsUp · 10/04/2023 11:05

A court won't force her to go for the sake of her younger sibling. A judge would allow her the choice of how much she sees him - even if that amount is zero. If your dd would prefer another routine like just a few hours or once every 4 weeks then a judge would take her very seriously and allow it at her age.

I'm not surprised that the younger child looks forward to her visits. They are also probably very bored during these "parties"

Original poster
Gogogo1 · 10/04/2023 13:59

WheelsUp · 10/04/2023 11:05

A court won't force her to go for the sake of her younger sibling. A judge would allow her the choice of how much she sees him - even if that amount is zero. If your dd would prefer another routine like just a few hours or once every 4 weeks then a judge would take her very seriously and allow it at her age.

I'm not surprised that the younger child looks forward to her visits. They are also probably very bored during these "parties"

Yes I’m wondering if the overnights need to stop unless she decides she wants to stay herself. It’s made worse by little comments here abs there it’s a shame as it would help a lot of she did go regularly but just can’t do it anymore

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 10/04/2023 15:34

NurseCranesRolodex · 10/04/2023 09:27

Aviod pp about court, you don't need that FFS. Just subtly minimise the visits. Put it down to 'she's getting older, wanting to meet friends' etc. You make an arrangement that he meets her during week for dinner, every few weekends she goes out with him, cinema or something. Eventually she may feel happier with a loose as and when arrangement anyway. He will probably accept it's an age thing. Don't get courts involved it's v traumatic, pp have obviously never been through it.

It's not actually up to OP if her ex decides to go to court or not. All she can do is supper her dc and if he decides to go to court about that then that's what has to happen. Hopefully in this instance the result will be the same and her dd will not be made to go

New posts on this thread. Refresh page