Teenager sexting

[Ritabonez5]

My 13 year old daughter has been speaking to a lad she met via online gaming. I was keeping an eye on their conversation which was always based around the game and other hobbies, no personal information shared, they would sometimes zoom call within my view and earshot as my condition.
I overheard her tell her friend she is in love with him and she plans to visit him to lose her virginity.
Obviously this has upset and frightened me. I have no clue how to handle this without reacting negatively. Of course I will not allow her to meet this lad, he lives 6 hours away regardless, but something else has made me all the more worried.
I admit I have done something which is hugely frowned upon, but out of concern I checked her iMessages she sends to him, which have suddenly turned sexual in nature. There isn’t any photo swapping thankfully but the sexting is beyond their years in graphic detail.
I know I need to speak to my daughter but I have no idea what to say or how to handle my shock and disgust. Teenagers experiment I get that, but she’s a very young 13 and to see some of the words she has sent is worrying.
Would confiscating her phone cause more problems? Banning her from speaking to the lad? I feel like I need to watch her every movement, my anxiety is through the roof. I’d be ever so grateful for advice on this subject as I know one step wrong will make the issue much harder to resolve.

This situation calls for education, not sanctions, restrictions or shame. Its a delicate balancing act as a parent.

There are some useful resources on the NSPCC website about conversation starters and how to talk to your child about online safety.

You want to focus education on things like: people online can be fake and not who you think they are, some people online take advantage of young teenagers, they start the process of taking advantage by making you like them (grooming). That sharing nude image of under 18s is illegal (although she wouldn't be criminalised), that she'd lose control of any image she sends.

Then move in to the sexuslised language. Have you talked to her about sexual maturation? Wanting to feel sexually desired is normal and natural, but achieving that online has dangers (see above). Think about the way you parent her generally - are you allowing her to develop into a sexual being (in an age appropriate way)? Because it will happen with or without your agreement. School could provide 'healthy relationship' work for her, if you don't think you can do this. Our school nurses offer 121 sessions for pupils after similar incidents.

Thank you. I’ve always tried to be as open as possible with her, and she knows she can come to me about any subject without judgement. We’ve had the chat about photos quite some time ago and luckily she absorbed that information well. The sheer infatuation she has for this lad she has never met is out of my depth. I guess I am concerned she will sneak off to meet him regardless and he will in fact be much older, grooming her and something awful happens if I can’t nip this in the bud.

Great advice above- now is a great time to start talking more about online safety and sex. I think what you are describing is pretty typical teen behaviour but the danger is, as you have said, that she tries to meet up with him. Glad she has taken on board about photos.

Who turned the messages sexual?
Have you seen this "kid" on the zoom calls?

This is why children should not be allowed to start talking to random strangers online. Do you even know he is who he says he is?

You need to go easy on her though. It's not her fault, she is just 13

I think removing her phone would be unfair but it would not be unreasonable to stop her talking to strangers.

I'm not trying to have a go at you OP but it's important to recognise this isn't a case of her doing wrong, just being given too much too soon.

Thank you all.
I have seen him on the zoom calls and he does appear to be her age and not a man. I blame myself for allowing the calls and believing it would stay innocent. I’m not sure where the messages began at the moment, I read enough and had to stop, but it does appear my daughter initiated it recently and he followed along. She is part of a friendship group where the other girls claim to have lost their virginity already so I believe she feels under pressure to keep up. I have told her countless times to focus on herself in general and not rush anything when it comes to the opposite sex etc etc, but despite her immaturity she is very body confident (of course a good thing) but sadly in this day and age it is easy to be taken advantage of when this is the case. I will take on board the advice so far and not punish her for it, I don’t want to push her away and to keep anything from me.

I admit I have done something which is hugely frowned upon, but out of concern I checked her iMessages she sends to him,

She is a child - not an adult.
It is your responsibility as her parent to keep her safe - why do think it would be frowned upon to read her messages?

Especially when you have concerns?

A lot of people see it as an invasion of privacy that crosses the line. I’ve always respected my children’s privacy such as not snooping through diaries etc, but due to an inkling something wasn’t right I done it out of concern. There have been many threads on here about it a terrible thing to do so I expected to be pounced on for it.

In this scenario reading the messages is absolutely fine, in fact it is advised.

Thanks, I will speak to her tomorrow so her dad can be present too. I appreciate the advice and support.

My thoughts are that there does come a time when you need to allow teenagers their privacy online. And 13 is a reasonable age to start that, so your thoughts of allowing and respecting her privacy are reasonable snd OK. Thst said, it's a gradual change towards that privacy since to earn thar privacy she needs to show that she takes the responsibility for the risks seriously.

Until she takes responsibility for those online risks herself, the responsibility is yours as parent. So therefore you need to check up on her, to keep her safe online, and there's no shame or decipt in that.

Just explain that too her - the more you check and see she is able to manage the responsibility to stay safe herself, the less you will need to check. But currently you need to check more - not to catch her out or get her into trouble - but because it's your job as parent to make sure she is safe.

Given shes instigated and willingly participated in this sexting its really important you don't make her feel ashamed for doing it. Feeling aroused, masterbating and wanting to feel sexually desired is normal and age appropriate at 13.

Worry if the conversations are one-sided, have elements of control or cohesion, if there's a power imbalance or if the language used is highly inappropriate rather than just sexual. But if its basic sex talk, oral sex talk, mutual maturation talk etc, as distasteful as that might be for you to read (and her to know you've read) it isn't age inappropriate.

If it is "just" sex talk, instead of focusing on the content you could focus on the fact that it's written digitally. That means it could be screen shot and used against her. Children are at risk of being blackmailed, for example. Or she could fall out with this boy then he could send the screen shot to her school friends, her teachers, her family. Screen shot conversations can also be photoshopped and changed.

You might also need to think about - why is she seeking this attention online? Low self esteem? Mental health support might be needed. Lonely and wants more friends? Talking to school or extra curricular activities might help. Does she feel unattractive and so valued the ego boost? Shallow as it sounds, but helping her focus on looking good with clothes, skin care, hair tutorials might help. Could be any number of things.

I might be completely out of order here but do you think having her dad present might traumatise/humiliate her even more than just talking about it all with you?