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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Ds back with controlling gf

24 replies

par05 · 08/04/2023 06:41

After finishing with her since last October/Nov and been much better behaved in school and at home, gf had moved on had a new boyfriend etc found out yesterday he is back with her! And kicked off when asked about it, denied it and got really defensive tried to attack his brother with a knife, hit his sister and punched the wall because he had 'rage'.
This behaviour of his had stopped and hed Admitted how bad he had been, once he had finished with gf, she had allowed other boys in her class to msg racist remarks to him of her phone, which resulted in him kicking off in school. Previous to that he'd run off started smoking weed and vaping and self harm /overdose and having sex at 14 which messed him up.
He seemed to have grown out of this when they split. But now all back plus more violent as soon as her name mentioned
At a loss at what to do as want him out of my house. He's 15.

OP posts:

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 06:52

the controlling girlfriend isn’t the problem.

There will always be a reason, an excuse.

Your son needs very substantial professional help. Otherwise he will become a man that beats his girlfriend / wife / and worse

And kicked off when asked about it, denied it and got really defensive tried to attack his brother with a knife, hit his sister and punched the wall because he had 'rage'.

just read that again and tell me that this is not someone who poses a real threat to women in the future (and now)

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 06:53

Indeed a threat to anyone

Original poster

par05 · 08/04/2023 07:01

School and cahms have been involved, he was having counselling and his behaviour improved when they had finished.
He wasn't violent like this before but yes 100% agree he needs help just at a loss as I thought he was getting over it. He feels like he has to fight for her

OP posts:

Original poster

par05 · 08/04/2023 07:08

This happened last night he then cried and went to his room to go in call with his gf.. I haven't slept all night and really unsure of what to do this morning really don't want to see him

OP posts:

Jojobalone · 08/04/2023 07:11

He needs help, yes.

But your other children need to be protected from him and that should be your immediate priority op

JKTrolling · 08/04/2023 07:21

She’s no good for his mental health. It almost sounds like he’s the victim of coercive control. Can you get him some support? He clearly knows she is no good for him.

Beantag · 08/04/2023 07:26

You need to safeguard your other children for a start, did you call the police when he threatened one with a knife? I grew up with a volatile sibling and never forgave my parents for not protecting us. Anyway, it seems she brings out this horrendous side to him but similarly as has been said he needs help. Hard to access but you need to acknowledge that this is how he is behaving and not just blaming her presence in his life even if it's a factor. The fact anyone can turn him into this violent person is scary, and even if she moves on again someone else could trigger that in him; need to be pressuring all of the agencies so he is repriortised as needing help.

Original poster

par05 · 08/04/2023 07:27

I've tried we all have it seems like he hasn't Bern able to let her go even though she's had boyfriends since they split. He rewrites everything in his head I just can't believe a word he says. My older 2 are 18 and 20 his brother wanted to step in I told him not to.

OP posts:

Beantag · 08/04/2023 07:32

You need to stop pinning all of this on her, even if she goes for good theres nothing to say he won't act like this with another woman. He needs help for his behaviour, even though she's undoubtedly a factor it's not healthy to frame it as how she's forcing him to act even when she's not there. Has he had other girlfriends? It doesn't matter how old the other siblings are, threatening anyone with a knife is horrendous, threatening a family member in their own home is fucked up.we

AnOldCynic · 08/04/2023 07:43

Why did you stop his older brother stepping in? They may be the ones that can help him most?

Original poster

par05 · 08/04/2023 07:43

It is definitely messed up. No this is his first and only girlfriend. They were together for 8/9 months and he was horrendous. He was constantly in negative mindframe as was she, and she wouldn't let him talk to any of his friends and pulled him away from everyone. Since he finished with her he took up rugby and got alot of friends but can see that all going.
He was denying it all to me and raising his voice his brother came into kitchen to tell him to stop he picked up knife as it was there and wavedtit at him then I told my older son to leave kitchen and pushed 15yr old and told him to stop and he said I have so much rage in me and punched the wall.
I should have called the police.

OP posts:

Bookaholic73 · 08/04/2023 07:46

You’re blaming it all on her instead of facing the fact that your son is the one with the problem.

Protect your other children and get your son help asap.

mumofblu · 08/04/2023 08:05

This describes my Dd aged 14 at the time .
We had therapy ( for another issue that could be part of her behaviour) and CAMHS , we told school what was happening and called the police when she attacked her dad because we wouldn't let her out at night with boy.
Calling the police was pivotal for us and the hardest decision but it bought in social services and protected our younger . It also told our eldest daughter that her behaviour was not acceptable to us or anyone and would get her into trouble.
They broke up last year and got back together two weeks ago
I'm heartbroken . But Ive told her that I won't be getting involved unless her behaviour becomes unacceptable again .

EllandRd · 08/04/2023 08:14

She ain't the problem, your son is the issue. He needs help or he needs to calm his temper and explain why he reacts in such a way,

redbigbananafeet · 08/04/2023 08:18

You're giving your son the green light to blame a woman/partner for his behaviour. You must contact his GP and school to address his many, hugely concerning behaviours.

Original poster

par05 · 08/04/2023 10:32

I will be contacting school again when it reopens, teachers know him well from last time he was with her, I think he shows off and uses his size, he is 6ft 2 but I definitely do not condone his behaviour it is not how I brought him up. Up until 14 and got her as his gf he was a loving teenage boy. Now I think he rage at being called out is a huge problem. I would never allow my dd to be with someone like him and that's hard to admit but true.

I admit I do not like her but I also do not like my ds at times too. He had been so good last 5/6 months i really thought growing out of it.

OP posts:

mumofblu · 08/04/2023 10:36

I know that push pull of not liking the choices your child is making

Original poster

par05 · 08/04/2023 10:53

It's hard @mumofblu why can't they see what they are doing? I really thought he was growing out of his behaviour. I wish I could send him awaytill he has

OP posts:

mumofblu · 08/04/2023 10:57

Because they are teenagers and their emotions are running wild and they don't want to listen and love ( or what they think is love ) is a new emotion

I've learnt to be firm and consistent when needed and loving and listening when needed .

But it's v hard and the emotional toll is real

Exhibity · 08/04/2023 10:59

I hope you get the help you need, if he pulls a knife again, I would call the police, and you should stop putting the blame on to his girlfriend, she may not be a good influence but he is responsible for his actions and there has to be consequences for any violence.

LBFseBrom · 08/04/2023 11:22

par05 · 08/04/2023 10:53

It's hard @mumofblu why can't they see what they are doing? I really thought he was growing out of his behaviour. I wish I could send him awaytill he has

That's what my parents did to me back in 1966. I was away two years, it was horrendous.

Original poster

par05 · 09/04/2023 08:00

Had a talk with ds told him his anger and rage is not normal. He got angry again. Then cried I think there is a underlying issue going on which he won't say. Definitely gf putting things in his head again. He still rewriting history completely and arguing with his sister last night and removing himself from family whatsapp group. Because he thinks I'm taking her side when he is completely in the wrong .
He thinks he has done nothing wrong at all
I am not enabling his gaslighting behaviour and I really do not like him at the moment.

OP posts:

shmiz · 09/04/2023 08:18

id Suggest
stop blaming the gf
that will alienate him further from you
work on helping to talk about what is driving his rage / distress
be clear it’s ok to feel all emotions
but he needs to express / manage emotions in a safe / non destructive way
get him help to understand and regulate emotions

mumofblu · 09/04/2023 08:21

You may never know if there is an underlying issue or what his relationship is with his gf , he's on the edge of adulthood and independence of actions and thoughts .
I had the same thoughts as you , I could see dramatic change and unhappiness but not know why . My Dd was in therapy and because she was bruised her therapist asked me and her about the bruising and she admitted it was him saying it was a game then changed her story to it was him doing something she didn't like , the only reason I know this was because a therapist was involved and of course it became safeguarding.

I say this because you can't always stop the relationship ( they are together again after nearly a year apart )

We dont approve and she knows , we will only be involved if safeguarding again or her behaviour turns , if she becomes aggressive or doesn't do what we expect , isnt home on time or goes to his house we will do the same as before . We will not hesitate to call the police and she knows that .

It's a really hard call as a parent because as I write this I also want to write about her qualities . She's loving and kind , probably why she's with him

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