13 yo Vaping. help.

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Caught DS with vaping "stuff" last night for about the 7 or 8th time in 6 months. We were aghast first time and he swore it wasn't his, we gave him the benefit of the doubt and chatted about dangers of nicotine, addiction, the health (mostly unknown) implications, the waste of money etc.

Caught him again and chatted again, kept tighter watch on his spending, he still insisted it wasn't his. We have followed a similar pattern, again and again. I randomly ask to see his bank account and he rarely has cash. He always insists things aren't his. We have grounded him, we have tried giving him the benefit of the doubt, have chatting about it, talked about being honest and not lying and the need to be able to trust him, asked who they belong to if not him and he'll never say. We said last time that he isn't to have anything like this in his possession ever, his or not his, if he is caught he is grounded no matter what.

Then last night he had been out with pals all day and when he came in he was being cagey about his bag so I went through it and found four 4 bottles of vaping fluid.

I just do not know what to do. DH says he is grounded for a month. End of story. He is furious at him for treating us like we are stupid. Before bed DS (who can be emotionally manipulative with me, DH says he knows how to play me) took the line that "sometimes it isn't that easy to say you don't want to hold things for other people". But wouldn't say who they belong to. He isn't a weak individual, he is a strong lad, incredibly popular (too popular I think), very mature and very tall for his age, never had any cause to think he might be being bullied or manipulated in any way whatsoever so I am inclined to agree with DH that DS is just trying to wrap me round his finger with this line of defence.

I just don't knw what to do about it any more. It seems difficult to find advice on parenting teens that isn't just super liberal "the more you say no the more they want to do it, so just say yes/whatever". But I cannot accept it. My husband definitely can't. So much about vaping is still unknown, but also he is 13!!! Maybe if he was 15 I could take more of a "he is a teen they will do stupid things" approach, but 13!!??

He spends very little time at home with us, is in this phase of going out and mooching about town with friends, he does have hobbies and is into sport that takes up some of his free time but the rest of the time there is a lot of mooching. He is otherwise a good kid, does pretty well at school, doesn't hurt anyone, has a kind heart. But I feel like this mooching about is really unhealthy and driven by vaping, he can spend all day in town and has almost no money to spend. Any money we give him is always spent on food in town, we see his card spending. I feel like we need to break this chain of mooching, but its what they all do, he isn't into sitting round on computer games and I have been glad of that at times but now wish he would just be happy staying home and playing xbox.

Can anybody offer any words of advice?

Following as I've just found a video of my 15yo DD vaping on her phone.

I'm absolutely fuming. She knows I'm dead against it.

I'm going to remove her Snapchat and have her phone until she goes back to school.

Not sure what else I can do. Bloody teenagers 🥹

So sorry that you are facing this too.

I posted another post elsewhere there are more replies there. But not sure if any of it will help you.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/4780357-13-yr-old-vaping-im-at-a-loss?reply=125258916

God the teen years are HARD! I'm only at 13 too 😭

Wishing you luck and sending strength and patience and love x

I've got 15 and 13 daughters. My 13 yo is generally harder. My eldest has shocked me with this.

Thanks for that, I'll have a look x

It was actually the dentist who pointed out to my kids that it was no better than smoking and likely to take their teeth. That helped.

I have a 12 and 15 yr old so in the thick of
It OP.

First of all I wouldn't be letting either of mine out all day to 'mooch' in town. No way. Therein lies the problem.

I am all for fostering independence but that's waaaay too much unsupervised time IMO. My eldest is out and about with friends during holidays but we always have a time plan and I know what she is up to eg shopping; cinema; at a friend's house; out for lunch. I would not be happy with her being out doing fuck knows what all day, sorry.

Secondly you have to make it clear that this behaviour (vaping) is non negotiable from your point of view. If I were you the second time he was caught was the time to restrict him - 'grounding' or closer supervision, if that is what was needed. So now you have to be harder in a way. He's spun you bullshit and you've been gracious enough to allow him a pass out.

There would be no access to money and no more free time out all day if it were me. Then earning your trust again.

I'm not really sure the "mooching" is normal - me are are nearly 18, nearly 16 and nearly 13 and we haven't had this yet... But their most beloved grandparent died at 64 of lung cancer (none of the other 3 grandparents smoke or vape vut the one who died was by far the most involved in their lives).

I work with teens and the cool factor and peer pressure/ bullying around vaping is very worrying. There's a lot of unconvincing assurance that it's fine but even the children (and I work with teens with learning disabilities) are uneasy about it but conflicted) don't really believe it's fine.

I don't know advice wise except to go really graphic on the heath messaging - if they buy fluids from sketchy sources the cancer and asthma implications are very scary...

You need to find a balance between sharing the health messaging and reassuring that you are always, always there for him and he can always tell you anything and he can always change his mind because it's absolutely your job to always have his back no matter what and no matter whether you knew better all along - that's the nature of being a parent and the nature of being a teen. Actively point out that parental love is unconditional and being a teen is difficult and you remember/ know that! I find that helps...

It helps at work too to say "I like you a lot and understand why you did what you did, but your decision here was wrong". Starting with"I like you " (as a parent"I love you ") makes all the difference in my now rather extensive experience.

I think it’s really important to normalise these things (I tried smoking as a teen). Some teens will experiment and some won’t. There’s no judgement is the main thing.

I am a counsellor working with children / teens and the only thing that will change if we come down hard on them is that they’ll become secretive with you. Normalising doesn’t mean to accept and be a friend and not a parent. It just means having empathy and being non judgemental about these things ‘I understand that vapes look very appealing, must be hard not to do it if your friends are doing it’ etc.

I think you’ll want to keep the lines open to communication. Try to keep in mind his age, he’s not trying to disappoint you, he’s just making mistakes like we all do. Good luck, I know how hard it is!

You could be talking about my 13 year old son, literally everything you have said. He’s very tall, strong, mature. Mooches. I’m currently struggling with the whole vaping issue and he has been grounded for most of the half term because of it. He isn’t a kid that would ever normally sit at home on the Xbox or watching tv. He likes to be on the go all the time. This is awful. I’m sorry I’m not much help. I’m currently pressing the local authority “stop smoking” advisers to take this on board and help us with it, as it is a huge problem now. The whole fruity flavour thing just needs banning altogether. I’m at the end of my tether. My son is asthmatic ffs!

Further to my last message, I managed to find out which kid sold/gave him it (a 16 year old). I approached his mother to ask her to tell him to stop selling them to my son and his friends. She replied that she knew he sold it, and couldn’t really see an issue as all the kids are doing it! 🤬🤬🤬

*"sometimes it isn't that easy to say you don't want to hold things for other people".

The answer to that is "In that case darling, staying home because you're grounded will keep you safe from those demands. And if you're finding it hard to say no to drug users, there is going to be a major rethink of your friends and social circle. So we will be discussing this with the school".

The health risks to children from illegal e-liquids are appalling.

@emmajh90 try not to punish. All you do by stopping him going out is cause resentment and literally give him nothing to lose. You won't stop him doing it

With my now 16 year old, he told me he'd tried it last summer and 'quite liked it' - he's also asthmatic and inhaler dependent. I knew full well that if I said and did what I wanted to, he would just totally shut down and do it behind my back

Instead I just said 'well that's a bit silly. Have you looked at the risks? I don't want you to do it but if you insist on doing it I won't punish you. But I will pay you only the bare minimum of pocket money ( I give him a very generous allowance)

So I went for a deliberate under react as I didn't want to make this more appealing for him.

He wasn't doing it within a matter of weeks and we are now a year on and it was just a phase. We are now in a drinking phase so I've taken the same approach and sure enough - it's sort of taken the wind out of his sails a bit

Yours is only 13 though so you've got to keep a close eye on him but do consider working with him and not getting into a cycle of punishment. Everything is a phase and this will likely be no different but you can shorten the phase by calmly reiterating the health facts and then just ignoring it

Thanks Felicity, that’s good advice. I’ve had a chat with him after reading your message and have eased up on the punishment. I’m very grateful for any advice, at the moment there’s not enough professional support but it’s a growing concern, so hopefully it will come.

Solidarity here. My 14 year old dd has been doing the same, and also weed. Horrendous. I think we’re over it now but it’s so hard to know. She’s such a lovely girl, fun, popular, smart, happy - I can’t fathom why she would do it other than the peer pressure is strong and the teenage brain is stupid!

Wow that's so frustrating. Well it's illegal for a start! Imagine how much easier parenting would be if parents stuck together on these things. I know of parents too, who seem to think it's no big deal. Personally, I feel like one lone powerless individual trying to prevent my son from vaping against a tidal wave of messaging from peers, parents, marketing, social media and society at large that it is no big deal.