Teenagers

[blue1984]

How do you parent teenagers ???? We have 3 16, 15 and an 11 year old who is like a 15 yr old with no friends who have children the same age and it just feels like an alien world to me ! They are great kids but it's so difficult they have been an absolute dream growing up but it's all starting now they ate going out a bit more how do you direct them and help them make the right choices I life I'm stumped if I'm honest 🤷‍♀️ It is such an important time in their lives and such a difficult time in mine !

Keep talking.
Keep eating together each day, around a table, without TV on and no phones at the table.
Pick your battles - most teens go through phases of rudeness, phases of untidiness, phases of being angry with the world, phases of not wanting to be with you, etc, etc - work out where your boundaries are and try to shut the door on the messy room, or not worry about them lying in on days they don't have to be anywhere, and so forth.
Drive them places. They will often open up / chat more when they aren't sitting facing you.
Be interested in their hobbies - however mundane you feel the details are.
Listen to them.
Ask them what they would do in X or Y situation - so they've had chance to think about different scenarios before they are confronted with them.

I’m winging it tbh
19 and 15 here.
when they want to talk I try my hardest to be available to listen.
I have some ground rules in place especially with the younger one for example agreeing a time to be back when they are out, knowing where they are etc
They are allowed to bring friends home within reason (which can be inconvenient but has advantages too)

1. You need a special switch in your brain which triggers when you are about to open your mouth to grumble/criticise/tell off ... ask yourself how much does this thing REALLY matter compared with say drug taking, drink driving etc.
2. Don't get into a battle over something you are not prepared to battle with the next time it happens.
3. Don't give them ammunition for arguments.
4. Tell them you have faith in them and trust them to do the right thing, but that if something does go pear shaped you will be beside them.
5. Find an opportunity to tell them you love them every day. Just slip it in somewhere.

I had 3 teenage girls on the go at one point and they were challenging but it was also a delight to watch them developing their individual personalities. They have turned into lovely young women.

Good luck.... it is both challenging and exciting.

I honestly think you don’t parent as such. Your time as a parent to influence who they are is already over by the time they turn 14 I think. Everything I did when they were little, I always kept in my mind what sort of adult will I encourage with my decisions and behaviours.
I’m very honest with mine and let them set the tone for our relationship now - even though it’s not quite the one I would choose sometimes! I’ve always said my advice

Ooh! Lost the second part of my post somehow!!

I'm winging it too! my oldest who's a boy is an absolute delight never had any issues doesn't drink doesn't smoke has a group of friends that do but he's just not interested in it my girl is a straight a student great at school doesn't cheek me wouldn't raise her voice to me but yet got brought home drunk last weekend it's just baffled me as I know that's what teenagers do we have tea together they talk to me about everything but this has just left sided me and I know it's normal for teenagers but it's just so crazy

@blue1984 I think we're all in the same boat of winging it. To be honest, it sounds like your doing just fine. Regarding the getting drunk, they all need to test their boundaries and learn by making their own mistakes. What does your DD say about it now?
The hardest thing for me, and OH, is learning to let go a bit and let them find their own way and helping them learn from mistakes without saying "I told you so!".

I don't think you stop parenting your children at 14! Yes, I agree you bring them up from babies to have values, know right from wrong etc. However, teenagers between 14 and 18 probably need you more than ever before for advice and support as they navigate life and make big decisions. Parenting is not just about influencing your child.

I asked her what she thought her 'punishment' should be she said phone off her until school stars , chores around the house grounded for a month and when she does go out life 360 turned on at all times face time every hour 🤷‍♀️ so I agreed with that I thought it that was fair 🤷‍♀️ and agreed

Choose your battles and always make sure they know they can contact you if they're ever out of their depth/have got drunk/with the wrong crowd etc. They need to know they can mess up and you'll be there for them and help them work through problems. And I always encouraged them to bring their mates round. Your house ends up a riot but you get to see who they're hanging around with. And you get a good laugh, sometimes!

Mine are generally very sensible but we have need through a lot as a family so perhaps things are a little different for us. They have a slightly different perspective on drinking as they have sadly witnessed alcoholism in more than one family member/friend.

Family meal together everyday.
Just try to be around when you can.
Allow them to make their own choices (and mistakes within reason) re. Clothes, hair, room colour etc.
But give them boundaries for keeping themselves safe.
Ask them what food they’d like when you go shopping. Buy decent face wash.
If they’re moody ask if everything is ok, did something happen to upset them? Don’t argue back. Give them space.

I have a 19 year DD, 15 year old DS and a 12 year old DS. All I can say is each one is different and will challenge you in different ways. It is hard and I think I’m more relaxed as I go through it.

Keep talking to them and make sure they know you won’t judge and will support them. Encourage honesty (both ways) even if you don’t want to hear it I think it’s important. Also find time to do something with them. I find car journeys and a McDonalds or a shopping trip or even just asking for help with something can open up conversation and re-bond you.

Don’t be frightened to give them advice and your opinion, they won’t want it but they need it.

That’s how I parent. It’s a million miles away from nappies and Peppa Pig and soft play. I’ve had moments where I’ve felt so sad that they have grown up so much but then I have lightbulb moments where we laugh and I get a hug or a “love you Mom” and I think I’m
not doing too bad a job.

Good luck x

You take the stabilisers off. You clap and encourage from the sidelines but you let them go.

Of course you pick them up when they fall but that niggly, overbearing ‘parenting’ that younger children need is largely over. And your influence and ability to (benignly) coerce has gone.

So you move into more of a mentor role. You don’t set ‘rules’ anymore, you encourage them to not behave like dicks.

Still praise and celebrate their achievements and most of all…enjoy their company. If you’ve done your job well in the first 13 years, it should be enjoyable to sit and have a chat and a coffee with them now and then. It’s a beautiful thing to sit and listen to the wonderful young adults they’re growing up to be.

Thank you for all the posts on here, they are fab

Start to treat them like adults. Give them responsibility and back off. Easier said than done! Be supportive if they look like they're struggling, but don't fix problems for them - give guidance to help them work it out for themselves.