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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD says classmate is self-harming

20 replies

HappyBunnyNow · 29/03/2023 06:43

DD has said that they think a classmate is self harming due to seeing deep scratches on their wrist. When asked about the scratches the girl said it was her cat but DD said they didn't believe this as the scratches looked deep and repetitive with dried blood on them and the girl has said several times that she's struggling emotionally. She is 13 and has gone from being very demure and quiet a few years ago to an aggressive bully in the last three years. She told DD that her parents (who seem nice on the surface) hit her, her brother who is two years older was also acting out a lot, swearing and talking about pornography constantly. The girl we're concerned about has been emotionally abusive to DD multiple times which has been very difficult but also confides in her. DD is concerned about the scratches but asked me to promise not to tell anyone, she says if she notices things getting worse over the next few days she will contact a support line for advice on what to do. Do you think I should speak to their teacher about this? I don't want to lose DD's trust but it sounds concerning to me. They had a class talk about mental health yesterday so I'm hoping this girl may reach out to the school counsellor for help. I haven't had much luck getting support from the school in the past so not even sure if raising this would help...
What do you think?

OP posts:
MrsHamlet · 29/03/2023 06:47

Raise it with the DSL.

WhoStoleMyTiddyOggy · 29/03/2023 06:48

100% tell the school. I'd tell the head, not the teacher and let them deal with it. They'll find a clever way to observe the wrist themselves and then take action. This is what happened in our school. So nothing is linked back to you or your dd.

NancyJoan · 29/03/2023 06:50

Talk to someone at school. It should be clear from the website who the designated safeguarding lead is; if it’s not just ring and ask.

TeenDivided · 29/03/2023 06:51

MrsHamlet knows best, she's a teacher. Phone the school and ask for the Designated Safeguarding Lead to contact you.

You can't/shouldn't promise to keep a safeguarding issue a secret.
And your DD shouldn't be being made to feel responsible.

Singleandproud · 29/03/2023 06:54

Safeguarding 101 is you never promise to keep things secret even if it's about a friend so you explain to your DD that sometimes you have to tell authorities.

Self harming is extremely common in Secondary schools. Self harming on visible areas like forearms tends to be more of a cry for help whereas self harming in hidden places tends to lead to more serious mental health issues. If she is being assaulted at home this would fit that narrative. You contact the Safeguarding team (not a tutor) and tell them exactly what you have written here, factually and without opinions or emotion. If the child is already on their radar they can add it to their file and keep an eye out but if she isn't then they can start building a file on her and start putting support in place.

Nimbostratus100 · 29/03/2023 06:59

O course tell the school, about the hitting and the self harm, and tell them immediately

It is not up to your daughter to keep this a secret, and you should have told her at the time that this is not something you can keep secret.

Tell the school straight away

megletthesecond · 29/03/2023 07:01

Yes, tell the school, tutor / head of year.
DD's friends were very good when she self harmed and they told their head of year.

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 29/03/2023 07:04

Definitely tell the child protection lead at the school. Self harming is a red flag and anyone who is made aware should pass on concern.

RosesAndHellebores · 29/03/2023 07:06

Two things:

The girl who is self harming needs help. Sadly this is likely only to be facilitated if the parents care and are able to advocate and pay for help. A couple of sessions with a school based counsellor is unlikely to deal with it.

Your (the op's) dd cannot be left to take responsibility for this and to have to contemplate phoning help lines. @HappyBunnyNow ring the school and ask for the safeguarding lead. Tell her you believe x is self harming and you don't wish your ID to be disclosed. Don't mention your dd.

Simplelobsterhat · 29/03/2023 07:06

You need to tell safeguarding staff at school. It's too risky, and too much of a burden, to keep it to yourself. I can understand you worrying about DDs feelings - I worry if I goo took overboard with things my DD won't tell me in future, but this isn't one you can keep to yourself.

Tell school you are worried about backlash on DD and they can be tactful about who told them / investigate subtly. You don't even need to tell DD you've told them if school say they can keep her name out of it. (Although she may well feel better knowing the burden isn't on her).

Simplelobsterhat · 29/03/2023 07:07

Sorry for typos _ * go too overboard!

Mafelicent · 29/03/2023 07:08

Look on the website for the DSL (designated safeguarding lead) and go to them directly. They will have had very in-depth training on dealing with exactly this situation. It is absolutely imperative that you pass this information on.

FWIW it won't spark some full-on emergency defcon 5 protocol. Unfortunately the DSL will already be dealing with kids in very similar circumstances. In the first instance the DSL will just have a chat with the kid.

Hiddenvoice · 29/03/2023 07:09

Please talk to the school about the concerns. The school will act tactfully about it and will of course not mention dd. It’s too worrying knowing her behaviour has changed.

Speak to dd and explain that you’re happy she has confided in you but you need to tell someone as her friend might be hurt and may be in trouble. In those circumstances you need to speak to someone else but it won’t come back on her. Remind her that she is a good friend and she can talk to you about anything with no judgement and no telling off. You just need to look after this little girl too.

Mafelicent · 29/03/2023 07:11

Also, the DSL would never say "so, happybunny's DD has told us......". They would just say "is everything OK? At school and at home? Because we've noticed...... and we've heard that maybe........"

MintJulia · 29/03/2023 07:13

Tell the school. They can't help if they don't know.

You have to be the adult here.

coffeemoon · 29/03/2023 07:17

You have to tell the school. Speak to the head and/ or the safeguarding lead.

When it comes to safeguarding I'm afraid losing your DD's trust is secondary.

You can also explain to her why this is not something that you can keep a secret. Most young people are able to understand this.

When you speak to the school, ask them if they can be discreet about how they raise it with her (e.g. pretend they have noticed it themselves).

Original poster
HappyBunnyNow · 29/03/2023 17:17

Thank you for the advice I will ask to speak to the safeguarding lead it's good to know the terminology.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 29/03/2023 18:20

with respect, you posted this morning, and you are back now, saying you will report it! You needed to report it this morning! The email should have gone in before 7 and a follow up phone call as soon as the school opened - this child had disclosed physical abuse from her parents, and possibly emotional and sexual abuse from her brother, and self harm, and should have been seen by the DSL before break time this morning.

In your shoes I would go down to the school now and see if the head is still there, it depends what time the premises close, but it isn't something that drags on another night unchecked.

Original poster
HappyBunnyNow · 29/03/2023 18:49

Hello, I'm actually in a different time zone non-uk I spoke to the school first thing this morning after hearing about this last night, they told me they are already aware of the situation and have put a plan in place so that's a huge relief.

OP posts:
Nimbostratus100 · 29/03/2023 18:50

HappyBunnyNow · 29/03/2023 18:49

Hello, I'm actually in a different time zone non-uk I spoke to the school first thing this morning after hearing about this last night, they told me they are already aware of the situation and have put a plan in place so that's a huge relief.

o that is great , I am so glad to hear that

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