Teen boy low and friendship group pushing him out

[AlicesPalace]

Hello,

I thought it was just girls that had friendship issues.

My DS (Y9) had an ok Y7, transitioned with best mate from primary. Best mate found a group of mates and my DS was trying to find his own clan. Then Y8 my DS was bullied and it was resolved but not many friends apart from the best mate from primary who was really aligned with a separate group. Y9 he found a great group of lads (or so I thought) which had his best mate from primary in it. Last 6 months have been great, sleepovers, days out, seeing group of kids all the time, sometimes a few of them, sometimes all of them. When not seeing each other they were on the Xbox. There have been some minor drama every now and again but my DS has kept out of it. He gave up all is outside groups to spend time with these mates (I told him not to but he wouldn’t listen).

Now for no reason, over the last 2 weeks, they seem to have outed my DS from the group. They vaguely speak to him at school but the main kid in the group has been taunting him. And now they no longer invite him out.

My DS is at a loss. He hasn’t been eating or sleeping, and I can barely get any words out of him. And when he does talk he just says he doesn’t know why they’ve done this to him. I believe him.

Now I know that he’s probably better off without them and should make new friends but it is a small school so friendship groups are limited. He burnt some bridges when he ‘snitched’ on the kid that was beating him up. Now he’s been outed from the ‘popular’ kid group. That leaves the swotty kids (he is bright but not super bright) and the naughty kids. 😞

I’ve tried suggesting clubs outside of school by he’s just morose and depressed.

I know the ring leader’s mother, but DS forbids from speaking to her. I know the best mate from
primary’s mother - but I’m also forbidden to speak with her - DS thinks it’ll make things worse (which I understand and don’t want him completely ostracised for “telling your mum”).

He also won’t let me speak to school.

can anyone offer advice? Please don’t suggest make new friends at school or go to clubs, I know that, but it’s difficult. I guess I am asking if it’s ok to speak to the Mothers or to school?

I am really struggling seeing him like this 😞 thank you sorry it’s long.

I think I'd speak to the school, probably his form tutor, poor boy. You could ask them not to let him know you'd contacted them but to let them know what is going on and to keep an eye on him? They might be able to offer some other ideas to help.

If you know the best friend from primary's mum well and she's a friend you could maybe approach her.... it sounds like the other boys could all be scared of being ousted themselves. If my son was the 'best friend' I'd want to know and I'd tactfully talk about friends and find out a bit by asking seemingly innocuous questions such as 'who are you going with... is ... (your DS) going, I haven't heard you speak about him for a while' which might shed some light on the situation. Only if you can trust her though!
I definitely wouldn't talk to the ring leader's parents.

@Popfan thank you so much for you’re reply. I think I can trust her yes. I will reach out to her. I think you’re right, they’re all terrified to be thrown out of the group so don’t stick up for one another.

I feel such sadness for my DS and such anger. It was so much easier when they were little.

I am genuinely worried for his mental health.

Don’t speak to the mothers whatever you do. Disastrous and even if they are sympathetic what is mum able to do at 14?

Hw needs to walk away entirely and join a new group with dignity intact.

I agree with @Popfan re; getting in contact with his form tutor. If anyone would have an idea of what's been going on for sure it'd be them.
The main reason I say this, is because although you say you believe your son, there may be something your son's not telling you.
Either because he was kept in the dark by the friend group, or just because he doesn't think it's important/relevant.
I don't have kids yet, but I was a huge mediator for friend groups I wasn't even a part of through Y6 -y11, and one thing that I learnt super quick is boys tends to be emotionally oblivious in a lot of different scenarios?
So it might just be worth getting a third party, more adult perspective on it.
Maybe even say to your son, "Look, I know you don't want me to talk to the school, but you have no idea why they're doing this. What if a teacher saw or overheard something that could help? It doesn't have to get out to anyone else at all besides you, me and the form tutor."
Say you'll do it over the phone so no one could possibly know?
He can be there when you're doing it if you want, on speaker phone perhaps?

I went through bullying at school as a teenager, I know I would've killed for my parents to have done something more along those lines.