14 year old DS says he hates his face

[itstheyearzero]

My DS is a lovely, sensitive kid. Into the arts, music, plays guitar etc (i.e. not your typical lad who is into football, not that this is relevant, just setting the scene.)

He's been bullied at school for about a year which finally looks to be resolved (bully caught on camera and told if he does it again he will be suspended - result!). None of the bullying however, has been about how he looks. I think he's just so down in himself that he's seeing things that aren't really there. His latest obsession is his eyebrows - they are 'feminine'. They aren't, he has great eyebrows. He hates his nose, his eyes, his skin, his jawline, his hair.....

Some girls told him he was ugly a couple of weeks ago, but he said he has been feeling like this for about a year. I'm out of my depth here. I've read loads of stuff online about body dysmorphia and self esteem issues in teens, but nothing I say based on my research seems to work.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom???

Oh forgot to mention, he is getting braces fitted soon which will no doubt make everything much worse...

I don't have any teenagers but feel like this is a common situation for teenagers. I remember staring at my own changed face, in puberty, wondering who this alien was. His face will have changed massively over the last few years.

It sounds like you're challenging his view that he's ugly.

Is there some way of instead accepting that's the way he feels (and look - some people are ugly - I'm not conventionally attractive - and have to find a way to live with it), and encouraging him to try and focus on other things in his life? Or accepting yourself that this might be something he struggles with for a few years, but he may accept his face as he progresses through his teens?

Is there music that he listens to him that soothes him, or helps him feel like maybe he can be a proud outsider? I feel like the usual advice around encouraging those fantastic hobbies and interests he has, helping him to make friends that way who think he's cool and interesting, keeping him as absorbed as possible in other things, will help.

I know this must be hard as a parent though, that's your beautiful child and he sounds really upset. Wishing you both all the best.

Thanks for your input @pjani . I am trying to validate his feelings rather than say 'you're not ugly' etc. but it's hard as his Mum to accept that he feels this way about himself. We've also talked about some of his musical heroes such as Robert Smith, Morrissey (pre right wing nonsense) and others who were considered outsiders, so he knows that it's not a bad thing to be different.

I guess another problem is he started at High School in lockdown, so his last year of primary and first 2 years of secondary were mainly spent in the house, so this mental health suffered and those friend groups that you make during those years didn't naturally happen. I'll just keep trying to find ways to make him feel better about himself I guess. My heart breaks for him.

Hi op, my dd suffers from dysmorphia. Validating feelings is good. I say phrases such as 'Feeling that way about yourself must be really difficult for you' or 'I'm so sorry you're feeling stressed' rather than trying to convince her she's beautiful (she is!). It's positive that he is open with you about it. Boost his self esteem with things that make you proud of him that having nothing to do with looks such as his school progress, hobbies or what a lovely son/grandson/sibling/friend he is.

Unfortunately my dds dysmorphia turned into an Eating Disorder so that's definitely something to be vigilant about as an ED can often sneak into your life without you really noticing. Signs to watch out for are wanting to restrict food, weighing themselves, asking for smaller portions, leaving food, saying they're not hungry or they ate elsewhere, a preoccupation with calories, wanting to eat alone and over exercising. Not everyone with dysmorphia develops food issues but it's better to be one step ahead and inform yourself so you don't miss any signs.

I would check his phone to see what websites he's looking at. Instagram for instance is horrendous for making teens feel bad about themselves. The more control you can get over his devices the better - taking them off him at night etc.

If it does start to really impact his life he would need a trip to the GP for a referral to camhs. The sooner you deal with these issues the better the outcome.

Thanks @BagpussSaggyOldClothCat . Definitely some things to look out for. It's awful seeing your children suffer isn't it.