DS fighting - help

[Invisimamma]

DS aged 12 got in a fight today and had taken quite a beating. He is in a real mess. He's never been in any kind of trouble before but since moving to secondary school seems to think he's some kind of hard man and seems to be attracting trouble. I have seen a video of the fight and both boys were as bad as each other with ds coming off worst.

How do I break this cycle? What can I do now to try to keep him on the right path?

We're a really average family in a fairly nice area although his school has a quite varied catchment and he's getting swept along with a different crowd from primary. He is very bright and generally does well at school. He doesn't speak to us much and spends most of his time gaming or on Snapchat and he is in a football team.

He's been lying to his friends saying his dad is really mad and going to hit him, which just isn't true, we are both just so worried. We have never used violence at home and don't condone it.

I'm scared that next time it will be a call to say he's been stabbed or worse.

I'm due to speak to school and police tomorrow, is there anything specific I should be asking them about?

I’d ask the school about his behaviour and if he has anger management problems.

id also enroll him in martial arts and rugby, as that’ll teach him he’s not as tough as he thinks he is.

Stop any internet access out of your sight, have the computer in the kitchen or living room and be able to look over his shoulder at all times.
He may have been watching the Andrew Tate type Hard boy crap.
My teens only had computers in their rooms at 15 plus and only had use when we were in the house (DH and I) and so one of us could always look over at what they were watching.....same with gaming, my ds is very into gaming so we set it up in the living room in a corner and gave him a set time to game. Phones do not get taken to bed but stay in the kitchen, and we have the right to access at any time we choose (although if there is no reason it is very rare) You now have a reason, you pay the bill so you get to look at what he is doing.
Nip it in the bud op...

Martial arts classes for discipline and self control.

What was the fight about?

Thanks for your comments.

I don't really think martial arts is the answer. He did karate when he was younger and reached brown belt but stopped as competitions and grading conflicted with football matches nand he preferred football. I support his choice because he needs to do a sport he enjoys. His football coaches are really positive influences - one is police officer.

Internet access, we do monitor his phone and he has PS5 and PC in his room, but the boys he games with are a good influence, I know their parents and I wouldn't want to limit those more positive friendships. I know what games he plays and it is nothing I am worried about. They are strategy games, not violent shooters. He doesn't have GTA or CoD of anything like that.

It is the peer group influence and hard man attitude at school that's the issue here. Also girls seem to have a lot to do with it stirring up drama all the time.

I would be talking to him about how fights can lead to serious disability or death. Talk about incidents where people have been seriously harmed. Talk about what happens when you get permanently excluded.

What are the fights actually about?

I would get him off Snapchat.

I think school are the key here. It sounds like everything outside school is a positive influence. I work in pastoral/safeguarding and we get this kind of issue sometimes.
if it seems like it’s the peer group he’s fallen in with and school acknowledge this, i would ask for him to be changed to a different form (or even different band if the school has them)
separation from the bad influences and a fresh start if possible in a new peer group.
potentially the school could put ELSA/counselling in to help him deal with his anger, make better decisions etc.

lastly, definitely limit social media. Only allow him to follow/friend his “sensible” fiends and get make sure you check his phone every night. Snapchat messages disappear hence don’t allow him to have bad influences on there. He can have his account on private and allow only the ones you approve. He’s still only 12 so you can be in control.

Also, could you ask the footballing PC to speak to him about the fighting just to re-emphasise the seriousness from someone he admires.

good luck OP, sounds like you’re doing all the right things, it must be so stressful.