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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How best to help - feeling left out/unpopular

24 replies

resipsa · 15/03/2023 15:59

I expect there have been many threads about this issue. Strike day/school closure has again amplified this feeling for DD. Her (former?) best friend seems to have dumped her in favour of a new friend. The new friendship sounds intense as they can be at this age. The bestie and her new friend spent the day together, studying. They are/were in a friend group of 4. The other 2 also spent the day together. Lots of photos etc shared. DD is obviously upset about being left out/overlooked. The same happened on the last strike day. I have, of course, tried to reassure her and said she could ask someone over tomorrow when school will also be closed but she says she doesn't want to...fear of rejection I suspect as this is what happened when she asked the bestie about today.

I now have no memory of these types of feelings as a young teen. I am sure I must have had them at some point. What do I say or do to make her feel she is not unpopular/excluded? It seems everything I am saying simply underscores the fact that she has been left out. I feel sad for her.

Thanks

OP posts:
jenny38 · 15/03/2023 21:05

Similar situation here. My DDs good friend has recently made different friendships and is now unavailable if DD asks her to do anything outside of school. No big falling out, but its left her a bit isolated. I have been guilty of pushing her to make plans with others, but she finds it uncomfortable. I'm at a loss as to how to help her.

Does your Dd have hobbies? Mine plays a lot of sport. Which is a godsend. It gives her something to do, team sport so some social interaction. However I worry about the lack of sleepovers, trips out of late.
I don't have the answer as to how we take the pain away, but your daughter is not alone.

Copasetic · 15/03/2023 21:12

I honestly think the answer is having an interest which improves self worth and confidence. For what it's worth, my son has loads of friends and spent the day alone. He went online and played a game with them a bit but they were all alone too.

jenny38 · 15/03/2023 22:30

Thanks copasetic, I think I needed to hear that not every teen spent the day with friends.

Original poster
resipsa · 15/03/2023 22:31

Thanks both. Yes, DD is on a school team which is great but the strikes have disrupted the routine a bit over the last few weeks. A big tournament was cancelled this week. She also has 3 other out of school activities with different sets of friends at each but these friendships have never grown beyond the activity itself.

I probably worry too much but I am concerned about her feelings isolated as she seems unable to take any new friendship to the next level e.g. hanging out after school or at the weekend.

OP posts:
jenny38 · 16/03/2023 08:42

I feel the same. Occasionally DD will make an arrangement to see a sport friend in a social way, but it doesn't seem to grow. I had a chat with DD last night and she says I make it worse by encouraging her to make plans. Because thrn she tries and gets rejected. There is no issues at school, its just moving friendships on to the next level that seems hard. My husband thinks we need to accept this is how things are right now, and concentrate on positive stuff at home. We have added an extra night of sport at Dd request.
I'm wondering if Dd needs to work on her social skills a bit.

Summer2424 · 16/03/2023 09:04

Hi @resipsa i had similar situations at school and i came from a chaotic home.
With all the chaos going on my Mum still gave me so much confidence, she took an interest in the clothes and music i liked. We would go out, shopping, cinema, it was like having a best friend.
I developed this kind of i don't care attitude. I went on to be one of the popular girls.
Hope the above helps x

Original poster
resipsa · 16/03/2023 09:20

@jenny38 Yes, I think the same but how do you do it without, as your DD says, making them feel worse? I've just dropped off my younger one at school and chatted to some parents with children in DD's year. All of their children seem to have done something with friends yesterday too. DD went into a grump before bed last night and I'm pretty sure it was because there was a flurry of photo sharing of the fun had on strike day. I'm working again today so she'll be stuck at home unless she arranges something herself...

OP posts:
Original poster
resipsa · 16/03/2023 09:21

@Summer2424 Thanks and that's good to hear (but brings up the guilt about work as we are stuck in today).

OP posts:
jenny38 · 16/03/2023 14:20

That's hard for your Dd resipa. Social medua is awful for making them feel worse How did today go for her? My Dd contacted a load of friends, asking if they wanted to go play sport- but all refused. She also invited the gorls she spends lots of time with at school, for a sleepover. However she always ssys no, and did so again (although she is joinjng Dd sports team this week, so clearly likes her enough to want to do that). I took DD into town this morning, we bought some sports stuff. Unfortunately I have a chronic illness, so need a rest now. But I've chosen a tv series to start watching tonight with her.

Thanks to the poster who talked about how her mum was her best friend. I've suggested DD and I go to the cinema on Saturday

I'm still feeling really emotional about the situation, but have decided not to talk about it anymore with DD this week.

waterrat · 16/03/2023 18:09

I feel so sorry for kids having all the photos of other peoples days bombarded at them - when we were growing up you might not have even known what people were up to if they weren't with you. Just salt rubbed in a wound - and also the classic situation that everything looks so 'fun' when seen on SM - instead of totally banal as it is in real life.

Original poster
resipsa · 16/03/2023 19:27

@jenny38 Sounds like you have a plan. Today was OK but I was (work) busy so not really tuned into her. She's made a plan with a friend from primary for the weekend and is hugely excited about it; already talking outfits and what to do. I'm just praying the friend does not pull out!

OP posts:
Original poster
resipsa · 16/03/2023 19:30

waterrat · 16/03/2023 18:09

I feel so sorry for kids having all the photos of other peoples days bombarded at them - when we were growing up you might not have even known what people were up to if they weren't with you. Just salt rubbed in a wound - and also the classic situation that everything looks so 'fun' when seen on SM - instead of totally banal as it is in real life.

So true about banality. They don't have our experience of the BS, sadly!

OP posts:
jenny38 · 16/03/2023 21:20

resipsa · 16/03/2023 19:27

@jenny38 Sounds like you have a plan. Today was OK but I was (work) busy so not really tuned into her. She's made a plan with a friend from primary for the weekend and is hugely excited about it; already talking outfits and what to do. I'm just praying the friend does not pull out!

I hope it goes ahead and it's the start of something new for her. So pleased she had the courage to contact someone else.
I aranged for Dd to do a sporty thing with another girl, the girls had talked about it previously, but parents need to book. However the friend is feeling unwell, so that's on hold now. Luckily we have a busy Sunday planned. But I can't help worry that when the summer holiday comes around this will be difficult. But there I go, worrying about something that hasn't happened....

Ame133 · 16/03/2023 21:26

Reading all these messages is making me feel like my daughter is not alone. She was such a happy (and popular) child in primary school but really struggled with secondary. She is now in year 10. For the past few years she has had 1 best friend but she has now dropped her for a boyfriend and I have just found out she has been spending some lunch breaks alone in the toilets.

I try to talk to her and to suggest making plans with old primary school friends etc but she is just so angry all the time and will not talk to me. I'm at a loss as how to help 😕

Ame133 · 16/03/2023 21:28

And agree with PP that social media just makes it so much worse! She is addicted to her phone and is constantly seeing the Snapchat/Instagram posts of girls who used to be her friends out together

jenny38 · 16/03/2023 21:44

Ame133 · 16/03/2023 21:26

Reading all these messages is making me feel like my daughter is not alone. She was such a happy (and popular) child in primary school but really struggled with secondary. She is now in year 10. For the past few years she has had 1 best friend but she has now dropped her for a boyfriend and I have just found out she has been spending some lunch breaks alone in the toilets.

I try to talk to her and to suggest making plans with old primary school friends etc but she is just so angry all the time and will not talk to me. I'm at a loss as how to help 😕

That sounds difficult for her, and for you to hear. Have you discussed it with school at all? Does she have any hobbies outside of school? School may be able to help steer her towards others feeling a bit isolated. I bet there are loads of girls in same position, but it’s finding them that the problem.
im trying the being a best friend approach. DD has offered to plan and cook dinner next week. I’m organising the cinema, baby steps but keeping her busy when I can.

Ame133 · 16/03/2023 21:52

@jenny38 I haven't spoken to school because she thinks that will only make matters worse and that no one will want to be her friend. She has two girls that she speaks to but says aren't really her friends and she doesn't socialise with them outside of school.

She does competitive gymnastics so she is there 3 nights a week, she has friends there but again doesn't socialise with them outside of the gym.

I will try the best friend approach, we used to be so close when she was younger but i really feel like we have grown apart the last couple of years, i cant say or do anything right.

I hope things work out well for you and your DD.

Original poster
resipsa · 14/05/2023 10:42

I'm resurrecting this one as we've had tears this weekend over feeling unpopular and ugly. The two things seem to be linked in her head. Lots of her peers now have boy or girlfriends and, again, she feels left out. The latest incidents have included having no one to pair up with in class and having no one who'd choose you in the room (this seems to be a game which involves hearing bad news and deciding who in the room you'd go to first for comfort). I'm spending more time with DD to try to build her confidence and find her company quite tiring. She always seems wired but maybe they all are at this age. I'm wondering if others find her as exhausting and how she can learn to be calmer in day to day interactions. Anyone had similar? Thanks.

OP posts:
XelaM · 14/05/2023 11:52

So sorry to hear that OP. How old is your daughter? Are you friendly with any of the parents at either school or your daughter's clubs and can you suggest to one of the parents that you would take the kids somewhere fun (something the kids wouldn't say no to) like a theme park? Thorpe Park is my teenager's and her friends' favourite. You could offer to drive them there or drive them to the cinema etc. If your teen is scared or rejection, can you suggest it to one of the parents? If you are the one organising days out usually the parents are keen to say "yes".

MrsRusselBrand · 14/05/2023 12:46

I could have wrote this whole post about my DD. She is leaving now and going to sixth form college and I do hope she meets her tribe there . She is so much fun , smart , hilarious and caring - I honestly can't understand why she wouldn't be inundated with offers to hang out? I spend a lot of time with her and she does have a hobby that takes up a lot of time too, so she isn't moping at home. I do think we just have to support them and accept some of this is character building in a way ... develop skills that they can take on to adulthood. I am sure she will meet real lasting friends at some point , same with my DD. Until that time , support , love , nurture and listen and just know this is transient and things WILL change Smile

Original poster
resipsa · 14/05/2023 19:43

@MrsRusselBrand Thanks 🙏

OP posts:
whiteorchids44 · 14/05/2023 20:24

Don't worry OP. Your DD will find her group sooner or later. I've experienced the same in primary school but by secondary school, it was a different story.

Encourage DD to have different friendship groups. Maybe she can reconnect with old friends. Whether they are friends she has met through sports, hobbies, primary, pre-school or even living in the neighbourhood. Friendships can be so fickle during pre-teen and teen years. The best thing you can do is teach her is to have confidence in herself and to expand her friendship zone.

SapatSea · 14/05/2023 20:46

I'd make sure she has some reliable people to sit with at lunch and breaks - they can be excruiating times to be on your own as you feel everyone is looking at you and know you are solo. Also sometimes even if another group adopts a teen they aren't always happy or loyal to the new group as they still want to be accepted back into the perceived "higher status" group they have been excluded from. It's a minefield.

Maybe talk to/email the tutor/teacher about seating plans and partner work.

As others have said spend time with her. It can be tiring as teens tend to need you but sort of dislike needing you and so can be critical and judgemental of you and your life when really they are a bit sad about their own life. Count to 10 a lot.

jenny38 · 14/05/2023 21:16

Sorry it’s been a tough week for your daughter, it’s such a hard time. My daughter had the no one to pair up with experience recently, heartbreaking, for them and us. Do you have a TV series to watch together, sometimes just doing that is company, without the pressure. No magic wand here either, good weeks and bad weeks for her. Everything we suggest is wrong etc

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