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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS - can’t get him out the house

14 replies

KittenKong · 12/03/2023 18:50

He’s a bit of a sensitive type - not the most confident boy (man - he’s 18!) and a bit shy around girls. But be is funny, bright, sporty and kind.

He is resitting his a levels (didn’t do amazingly and wanted to try to up his grades) and so of the small circle of friends he had, they have mostly either gone off to uni around the country or moved away/back home after leaving school. So he speaks to them mostly online or plays online games with them (some are on the other side of the world).

He had some fallout with his best pal towards the end of school (we never did get to the bottom of what happened - but it sounded like a verbal that got nasty and both just backed away from the friendship. His friend moved away and they have bumper into each other, been polite and made small chat, but apparently the friendship is irreparable, which is a shame because he was a nice kid, but you never know do you?)

He was badly mugged during covid (middle of the day, very close to home) and I only recently realised how much that rattled him (he is wary of gangs of lads) and I feel dreadful that I took him at his word at the time that he was ‘ok’ about it (a couple of his school pals had been mugged too). I think this has caused him to just want to hang out at home a lot too. Covid probably just masked that to some extent.

My godchildren are all about the same age - parties, girls/guys, road trips… (I’m sure the grass may seem greener of course) but my old heart aches when he says he hasn’t friends to go to parties with (his pals are the types who like to go to the gym, have a meal out and the odd trip to the moves or museum).

I was always the quiet kid at school that most people probably didn’t even know was there, incredibly shy, always had a head in a book, didn’t know how to make friends - so I am no use!

He’s not got siblings or much close family (none his age), so hasn’t even got cousins to hang out with.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/03/2023 18:53

Would he do some sort of martial art? Maybe suggest jiu-jitsu or krav maga or something? I have a friend who is into martial arts and there is a good social scene at the clubs, as well as self defence training...which will increase his confidence after the mugging.

Original poster
KittenKong · 12/03/2023 19:01

He did before (paused it when he was doing his exams) and did manage to knock down one of the muggers with a punch on the nose (before the others dragged him to the ground and kicked him in the head - absolute bastards). I asked if he’d fancy going back but he said he’d maybe go after the exams. I got him a gym membership (he goes with a friend sometimes) so at least he does do that.

OP posts:
dollyknockers · 13/03/2023 07:13

This reply has been withdrawn

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread

Original poster
KittenKong · 13/03/2023 07:46

That’s heartbreaking. Any idea what happened? Is he in GCSE year?

OP posts:
Beamur · 13/03/2023 07:58

OP I would just focus on supporting him to get his A levels. University or College would hopefully unlock the social life that's escaping him at the moment.
My parents moved house and I had to do retakes at a new school which wasn't ideal - hundreds of miles away from where we had lived before too. I had a pretty miserable year but got the grades I needed and off I went.
dollyknockers I wouldn't approach the parents either but would speak to the head of year before he starts refusing school to see what they suggest. Being shunned by your peers at this age is crushing if he doesn't have another group to slide into. One option is to try and get new friends but easier said than done - does he have any interests outside school - having/keeping friends in a different context might help his esteem. Don't rule out maybe changing forms or possibly even schools. He must be feeling pretty horrible right now.

dollyknockers · 13/03/2023 07:59

No I’ve no idea. One of the boys in group doesn’t like him, so he seems to be instigating it all I think but I don’t know. Next year is his gcse year - I just don’t know how to help.

Lindy2 · 13/03/2023 08:10

I assume he's taking his A level resits in the next few months? After that I'd encourage him to get a job before going to University (if that's where he's planning to go).

If he starts working and gets a job somewhere reasonably lively with other teens/early twenties staff hopefully that will open up the path to some new friendships.

PritiPatelsMaker · 13/03/2023 08:20

Are you comparing him with your DGodC? Not all teens go to parties all of the time. My DS is the sane age and meets with friends for things like meals, playing pool, playing poker but they're definitely not the cool kids going to parties but they go out and they are good friends.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 13/03/2023 08:24

Get him back into self defence classes. Can he drive? Would that help being able to drive to places rather than walk?

Original poster
KittenKong · 13/03/2023 11:18

Oh I know @PritiPatelsMaker, you can’t compare (and you never know what’s really happening do you).

He is learning to drive now so hopefully he will pass that soonish.

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 13/03/2023 11:21

Something like a climbing or bouldering club? The kind of thing where you challenge yourself; build self esteem and gets you out with enthusiastic people who support one another.

Good luck to him in his exams and driving test ❤️.

Turmerictolly · 13/03/2023 12:38

Sounds like my ds op - my dh and I were very sociable at school so this is new to us too and sad to feel like they should be having a great time like the others. Ds seems quite contented however gaming at home with the odd outing with his friends. We're trying to encourage him to have a couple of friends around for pizza/film whilst we go out but that hasn't happened yet.

Driving will hopefully boost your ds confidence and would he travel abroad by himself? Maybe a backpacking European trip for a few weeks in the holidays might boost his confidence and he would meet new people but there wouldn't be pressure to make life long friends. Hopefully once he gets to university too he can join societies and clubs with other people who share his interests.

conistong · 15/03/2023 16:46

Turmerictolly · 13/03/2023 12:38

Sounds like my ds op - my dh and I were very sociable at school so this is new to us too and sad to feel like they should be having a great time like the others. Ds seems quite contented however gaming at home with the odd outing with his friends. We're trying to encourage him to have a couple of friends around for pizza/film whilst we go out but that hasn't happened yet.

Driving will hopefully boost your ds confidence and would he travel abroad by himself? Maybe a backpacking European trip for a few weeks in the holidays might boost his confidence and he would meet new people but there wouldn't be pressure to make life long friends. Hopefully once he gets to university too he can join societies and clubs with other people who share his interests.

Agree - my DS is the same and seems quite content; maybe Uni is where he will find his social life, if that's what he wants. I used to worry but if they are happy enough then that's fine. And try not compare to yourself and to others (easier said than done!)

PritiPatelsMaker · 15/03/2023 17:13

He is learning to drive now so hopefully he will pass that soonish

That might give him a little incentive to get out more Wink

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