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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Really concerned about DD - abusive relationship?

22 replies

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 14:49

DD, 14, has been dating a boy 2.5 years older for 6 months now. He is now 17. She knows him from an extra curricular activity they both do & that she really loves.

I knew from DD before they started dating that this boy has mental health issues - depression, an eating disorder.

I’ve had concerns from the start about the relationship, mostly around the age gap but also whether he was in a good state to be a good boyfriend to DD, but took the stance that if I banned it they would find a way around it & it was better in the open.

However just now I’ve read a string of messages between DD & a (male) friend of hers that have duplicated to her iPad without her realising (yes I know some might say I shouldn’t have read them but it popped up on the screen & was obviously about something serious)… These messages tell me that she’s not happy, that he brings her down, he’s cheated on her multiple times, but if she tries to break up with him he says he will kill himself. She also says that she loves him at the same time as saying she doesn’t really want to be with him but that it’s more important he’s happy than she is happy. Her friend is giving her good advice, but I feel deeply concerned & uncertain what to do. DD has not confided any of this to me & is very reserved if I try to talk to her about her relationship with him.

I don’t know what I should do - try to force DD into the open about this? Take a very firm stand & ban them? Feeling very distressed.

OP posts:

ToBeOrNotToBee · 12/03/2023 14:51

I'd get a male relative to pay him a visit

HewasH2O · 12/03/2023 14:53

Get her in the passenger seat of your car and take her for a long drive. Hopefully she will open up, but if not, stage a conversation discussing a hypothetical but similar situation.

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 14:53

Have you spoken to her about healthy relationships before in a general way?

Now might be the time if not.

You could frame it as thinking you need a talk as the relationship has been going on for a few months and could get serious, you could say your friends daughter is having problems with her boyfriend and open up conversation that way. Are you close? Above all she needs to know she can come to you at any time and you will help her, and that his mental health problems are not her fault and not reason for her to stay with him.

I don’t think sitting down and telling her you read her messages is a good idea, it’s a massive invasion of privacy and she will be furious and lose trust in you.

Bunnyishotandcross · 12/03/2023 14:57

Ime this is the time to be a helicopter parent.. Have him round.. Let him see dd on her own ground. She may find more confidence at home to figure out the relationship isn't healthy. Maybe surrounded be her family he may see she is way too young for him.

ArseMenagerie · 12/03/2023 14:59

Do you know his parents?

ThatMam · 12/03/2023 15:01

I have been in a very very similar position to this with my daughter who was 14 at the time although the person was the same age.
It was awful because dd was so entrenched in it at the time that she could not see a way out it all was and when I tried to help she pushed back against me massively.
The fact that your dd knows it is toxic and is speaking about it and getting good advice is good.

You know your DD, if you think she will not be furious that you have seen the messages, if your dd would not be then I would bring it up with her that you have seen, ask if she is okay and also make it known that you are there for her but honestly my DD would have been very angry.
You also know if stopping her seeing him will make her more insistent on doing so.
In dds case it was very bad and I was forced to get outside people involved and remove her from the situation were she was with them.

Original poster

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 15:03

She does have him round, maybe once a fortnight or so he’ll be here for dinner. She meets him in town occasionally too. Of course she sees him about twice a week at their shared activity too.

I know the parents, not friends but I do have their phone numbers & we exchange polite chats if we see each other at the activity.

OP posts:

PaigeMatthews · 12/03/2023 15:05

You absolutely need to act before she ends up injured or pregnant and stuck with him and a child brought up with an abusive father.

Original poster

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 15:06

ThatMam, I would like to hear more about your DD if you’re willing to share?

I think she would be furious about me reading her messages.

OP posts:

Original poster

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 15:07

PaigeMatthews · 12/03/2023 15:05

You absolutely need to act before she ends up injured or pregnant and stuck with him and a child brought up with an abusive father.

What would that action be??

OP posts:

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 15:09

You need to talk to her first and foremost! Going to his parents is not really an option, she would never forgive you.

How close are you and your daughter?

JorisBonson · 12/03/2023 15:09

He's 17 and going out with a 14 year old, that would scare me for a start.

Original poster

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 15:12

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 15:09

You need to talk to her first and foremost! Going to his parents is not really an option, she would never forgive you.

How close are you and your daughter?

Not close enough I think. She will talk to me about some things but has never wanted to discuss things like who she fancies or how things are with her boyfriend. She’s very much in the stage of pulling away from us at the moment & rejecting some of our questions expectations (perceived or real).

long car journeys & long walks are the best times with her.

OP posts:

Original poster

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 15:13

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 14:53

Have you spoken to her about healthy relationships before in a general way?

Now might be the time if not.

I don’t think sitting down and telling her you read her messages is a good idea, it’s a massive invasion of privacy and she will be furious and lose trust in you.

I think this is a good way of opening a talk about healthy relationships. Ridiculously I work for a domestic abuse charity!

OP posts:

BatFaceOwl · 12/03/2023 15:13

At 14 I'd be coming down hard. I'd f she was 16, then a softer approach would be wiser

She's too young to be in a relationship with a 17 year old for starters - and you say they've been together 6 months? So she's been with him potentially since she was 13 or recently turned.

So before you add in the other stuff, she's too young for this.

I'd sit her down and say you've seen the messages. Privacy doesn't really extend to children when this is going on and it's your actual job to try and protect her as best you can.

Only you know how 'compliant' she is so only you know if you taking control and banning the relationship will work or not. If not, then it's a case of opening up a conversation about it and being there when she needs you

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 15:15

A walk would be good. It’s good that your daughter has already realised that she doesn’t want to be with him and is opening up to her friend so you don’t need to go in all guns blazing, but speaking to her about healthy relationships and red flags is a really good place to start opening up communication. Drum it in to her that her only responsibility is to herself, and that she can talk to you about anything, even if she doesn’t say much in return the seed is planted.

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 15:16

JanePurdy · 12/03/2023 15:13

I think this is a good way of opening a talk about healthy relationships. Ridiculously I work for a domestic abuse charity!

Show quote history

So do I! Very different when it’s your own child and you want to scream at her to run away, but you have the skills and knowledge already - you could speak to her about your job (fictional clients of course), that would be a great way to start the chat!

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 15:18

BatFaceOwl · 12/03/2023 15:13

At 14 I'd be coming down hard. I'd f she was 16, then a softer approach would be wiser

She's too young to be in a relationship with a 17 year old for starters - and you say they've been together 6 months? So she's been with him potentially since she was 13 or recently turned.

So before you add in the other stuff, she's too young for this.

I'd sit her down and say you've seen the messages. Privacy doesn't really extend to children when this is going on and it's your actual job to try and protect her as best you can.

Privacy is massively important to a teenager, and destroying that trust now at such a critical age would be a huge mistake.

BatFaceOwl · 12/03/2023 15:19

@LilLilLi I know. I've got a couple of older teens myself

But I believe in actually parenting them when they're young teens as opposed to sitting back and well, in this case, let them flounder in a potentially abusive relationship

I appreciate we all have different approaches though ...

LilLilLi · 12/03/2023 15:23

@BatFaceOwl I agree with you as a whole, I just think in this particular situation DD needs to know she has an adult she can trust and open up to. If she reacts badly to the OP reading her messages it risks her shutting off completely and covering for her boyfriend. It could even push her closer to him.

It’s incredibly difficult, at the moment it seems like the boyfriend is only a risk to himself and there’s the opportunity to support her to leave him without breaking her trust. Of course, if he is a risk to DD then my advice completely changes - tell her you read the texts and keep her away from him, if that means contacting his parents and the police so be it.

ThatMam · 12/03/2023 15:24

If you think she would be furious can you arrange a 'girly day out' with her, go out for the day somewhere, just you and her, chat about life and hope she will open up?

In my case I still only know part of it, I do know that dd still has nightmares as a result of their relationship but she will not disclose everything.
Basically in dds case the person had a personality disorder and severe mental health issues, they were completely controlling of dd who has sen and is very vulnerable.

They kept showing dd self harm injuries and telling dd that she would feel better if she did it to, showing her how to do it (dd eventually did) they were encouraging dd to lie to me about where she was, I thought she was still in school and she was not, they were trying to turn her against me, encouraging her to lie to adults about things I had not done, telling her they were going to kill themselves daily and describing exactly in detail how they were going to do it, telling dd they were going to do it in front of her and encouraging dd to do the same.
They also persuaded dd that there was no point in going to lessons and they were going to fail anyway, they told dd they would fail together. DD did fail and they did not.

The whole thing was horrendous.

Teenagekicksmyass · 13/03/2023 15:13

Please act sooner rather than later. Tell her she has every right to end a relationship that is not making her happy.

My dd was in the same situation two years ago. She ended up physically and sexually assaulted by the boy and harassed by him. Police and school were involved and it’s taken a lot of support to get her mentally well again.

I fully understand this may be an extreme case. My dd was very good at hiding the extent of what was going on, but a couple of things he had done had slightly niggled at me. Oh how I wish I had done something sooner. I have to live with that guilt now, but even worse my dd has to live with what happened to her.

Trips to the drive thru Starbucks followed by a long drive helped me and my dd to communicate.

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