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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What would you do?

15 replies

Crinklewrinkles · 07/03/2023 16:17

Teen , who definitely has a rudeness and attitude problem , under her breath but loud enough to be heard by her mother and father, called her mum a ‘Bitch Whore ‘

For context was extremely rude at dinner to her sisters guest, sat with her back half turned to table saying food was disgusting, left table halfway through dinner so was told off. Called the names when been asked to hurry into the car that was waiting in the drive to take her to her activity.

We took the phone and told her to stay in her room until she could treat the family with respect. I have no intention of giving her phone back until Friday and I presume this is reasonable. She is regularly rude, seems to have no fear at all of any consequences or our disapproval

OP posts:
Rafferty10 · 07/03/2023 16:47

I have two teens and there is a zero tolerance for rudeness, l am shocked by this level of attitude and feel for you.

If it was me l would sit down with her and say,

You see this roof over your head, your bedroom full of lovely things, your wardrobe full of clothes, hot water and food, and your phone, well l and your father have paid for all of them out of love for you, however in return we expect to be spoken to with respect, to have you be polite to siblings and guests and never to swear at any of us.
If you are cross, or upset you can speak to us at any time, but if you shout, swear or are abusive we will not listen, let alone meet you half way, and there will always be consequences.

From now on every single time you break these reasonable family rules we will stop all your activities, and remove your phone for 3 days, if you are further rude it will be another 3 days etc, it will never vary and no allowances.
If the behaviour continues we will stop buying you any clothes and pocket money, birthday money will be put in a savings acount until you are able to behave well.
We don't call you names, be rude to you, shout and swear and will not tolerate it in out house. This starts now, it is entirely up to you how things go for you from now on.

I would not give in upon pain of death!! Good luck op l hope you turn it around.

MissyB1 · 07/03/2023 16:58

You did the right thing. Phones are a privilege and privileges can be withdrawn when the person does not deserve to have them.
Have a chat and find out why she thinks rudeness is acceptable, ask her if when she has a friend over would she like the family to be rude and unwelcoming to them?

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 17:12

Rafferty10 · 07/03/2023 16:47

I have two teens and there is a zero tolerance for rudeness, l am shocked by this level of attitude and feel for you.

If it was me l would sit down with her and say,

You see this roof over your head, your bedroom full of lovely things, your wardrobe full of clothes, hot water and food, and your phone, well l and your father have paid for all of them out of love for you, however in return we expect to be spoken to with respect, to have you be polite to siblings and guests and never to swear at any of us.
If you are cross, or upset you can speak to us at any time, but if you shout, swear or are abusive we will not listen, let alone meet you half way, and there will always be consequences.

From now on every single time you break these reasonable family rules we will stop all your activities, and remove your phone for 3 days, if you are further rude it will be another 3 days etc, it will never vary and no allowances.
If the behaviour continues we will stop buying you any clothes and pocket money, birthday money will be put in a savings acount until you are able to behave well.
We don't call you names, be rude to you, shout and swear and will not tolerate it in out house. This starts now, it is entirely up to you how things go for you from now on.

I would not give in upon pain of death!! Good luck op l hope you turn it around.

This is exactly what id do too.

I suspect you have let minor disrespect go on too many occasions in the past.

You need to get tough, do NOT waver and do not give the phone back.

When DD was 12, I took her phone for a fortnight. She had to get to and from school, which is an hours journey and 2 buses, without a phone. My heart was in my mouth every day but I wasn't going to put up with her bad behaviour.

Restinggoddess · 07/03/2023 17:33

Agree with Rafferty10

I would also ask - ‘was your behaviour appropriate?’ Or ‘what is the reason you disrespect your family?’

In other words not a why question because this invites all sorts of excuses

Intergalacticcatharsis · 07/03/2023 17:36

I have always fund taking money away is the most effective punishment with teens….

Original poster
Crinklewrinkles · 07/03/2023 17:58

Thanks. We will be sitting down with her before we give her back the phone so that she completely understands the scale of this.
@Dacadactyl you are correct, we’ve let a lot go

OP posts:
lailamaria · 07/03/2023 18:29

@Dacadactyl well i wouldn't have gone that far honestly, honestly the idea of that is terrifying but i'm glad it worked out okay

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2023 18:34

lailamaria · 07/03/2023 18:29

@Dacadactyl well i wouldn't have gone that far honestly, honestly the idea of that is terrifying but i'm glad it worked out okay

I was worried, I'll admit. But then I thought I went to school every day with no phone by myself, from about year 4! And my parents coped with it. So that made me think I'd be able to get through it!

Also, DD didn't think I meant it. She was all "aren't you worried something bad will happen to me and that you'll feel guilty?"

I said "well, you can think on your behaviour if something bad happens to you". Lol, I'm probably quite harsh.

lailamaria · 07/03/2023 22:04

i'm really glad it worked out for you @Dacadactyl like wow that's... harsh yeah let's go with harsh 😂

Justmuddlingalong · 07/03/2023 22:08

Called the names when been asked to hurry into the car that was waiting in the drive to take her to her activity.
No way would I be giving her a lift to anything after that.

Maireas · 07/03/2023 22:09

Minor disrespect has been ignored, now her boundaries are not where they should be.
She needs to be asked why she's using such vile misogynist language. You've fed her and taken her to an activity and she's talking to you like you're a piece of dirt.
Good move about the phone.
Other privileges too.

Maireas · 08/03/2023 07:42

Justmuddlingalong · 07/03/2023 22:08

Called the names when been asked to hurry into the car that was waiting in the drive to take her to her activity.
No way would I be giving her a lift to anything after that.

Nor me.

JussathoB · 08/03/2023 08:26

Wondering what could have caused this attitude especially if it is regular rather than an occasional outburst

AvoNw · 08/03/2023 08:32

I would have clear consequences in place but I’d also sit down and gently try to figure out what caused the attitude in the first place. Is it only teenage hormones or is something else also causing her anger/upset.

Original poster
Crinklewrinkles · 08/03/2023 08:49

JussathoB · 08/03/2023 08:26

Wondering what could have caused this attitude especially if it is regular rather than an occasional outburst

I think we have let too much slide and she thinks she has a right to behave this way.

Shes happy with friends, getting on ok in school, but always lacked emotional intelligence and hates being disciplined.

OP posts:
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