Struggling with 18 year DD - any advice?

[Struggling1234]

I wonder if anyone has any advice. I am really starting to struggle with DD's moods. She was always a delightful girl up until 16 and she started to have a number of issues. Weight, acne, friendship issues, moods.

This has been on and off for a while with some periods of time better than others. She has been diagnosed with PCOS and now ADD (or ADHD inattentive as it is now known). Her general tone though is becoming awful. She can have periods when she is lovely but more often she is sarcastic, short, belittling, opinionated and generally very moody.

Summer holiday in 2022 was awful and she was rude and antisocial frequently towards her father - we had to sit down with her and really try and get to the bottom of what the problem was, but the excuses she gave didn't seem enough to warrant her behaviour. It seemed to get better when she got home but seems to be spiralling again.

I have tried to support her as much as I can, but she is just behaving so rudely and selfishly, it is really starting to upset me and my husband is starting to get really angry. I took her to the GP at one point last year as she was saying everything was terrible, GP arranged counselling sessions (x8), but by the time she went to them she had picked up again and so everything was hunky dorey and I don't think she really addressed anything and just chatted. I'm trying to speak to someone about ADHD medication as the assessment told us that that can help with mood regulation but the waiting list for the particular physician was earliest appointment, June (we paid privately for the assessment).

Tonight at a family meal for my birthday, she was late as she wasn't ready, so didn't come downstairs to say hi to her grandparents, who had travelled an hour to come to the dinner, and when we got to the pub, she sat down and only really interacted with her boyfriend and sometimes her father. My mum is understandably quite upset as it was like she was sitting with a stranger. DD didn't acknowledge them, didn't really engage with them. I am mortified. My mum looked teary when she left and said she was really upset.

My husband is now saying we are going to have a sit down with her on Wednesday to talk about how her behaviour is not acceptable. He is saying he will take her car off her if she continues to behave in this way (we bought it and gave it to her for her 17th birthday). And I'm just feeling sick with it all. I would prefer to try and explain and reason to her but I have tried this now many times over the past year and it isn't doing anything.

My worry is she is going to end up alone with no-one if she continues to behave this way. She has lost friends at school and seems bitter towards many of her peers at school.

It's like she has a huge chip on her shoulder and she thinks the world owes her a favour.

Anyone have any advice? Or any experience - do I hope she will grow up and return to a nice, kind human?

Sorry for the lengthy post.

Sorry that you’re going through this. Some of it sounds like normal teenage behaviour but obviously is complicated and exacerbated by her ADD.

My own way of living with this is to be tolerant, supportive and loving. Easy to write, I know. Teenagers are bad-tempered, rude and difficult. While they should be called out for crossing a line, we found it was best to accept it as normal and work around it.

The family party, for example, sounds ok to me. She was there and took part. Many teenagers hate events like this and are reluctant to attend. Her grandmother could simply have said a few words to her at the end of the meal or whenever was appropriate. I’d have counted that as a win.

You’re right that confronting her will make things worse. And your DH shouldn’t even be thinking of taking her car away. Legally, a gift once given can’t be taken back. Your DD could go to the police about it.

My own experience with 3 DDs has been that an almost miraculous change happens around their early 20s, assuming that all else is reasonably well in their lives. Your DD is going through a tough time, is confused and often unhappy. She needs the understanding of loving parents to help her get through it, not anger and confrontation. Sorry this sounds a bit preachy but I’m sure you get the general idea.

It sounds like she has a lot going on mentally and also she is a teenager.
I agree with honeysuckle.

also taking her car away is a massive no imo. It’s a gift. You don’t just take gifts away. Once it’s given, it isn’t yours.

What is the boyfriend like? Is she bouncing too much off his personality? Is he friendly? Does he encourage her to love her family? Is DD studying, working, living at home? Does he need to be invited to dinner more so you get to know who is influencing your daughter?
I would have that difficult conversation and suggest that she goes back to the GP. I would remind her of your generosity and that it is not an option to be polite or not to people. Suggest she visits her grandmother to make ammends.
It is reasonable that any on going use of the car is a reward for her behaving like a civilised adult.
Eighteen is well old enough to have good manners and if you need to be reminded of manners then you don't have any.
Help DD get a part time job in a service industry - like shop front retail, Maccas window, supermarket check out etc.
She needs to fast track her people skills.

I agree that if the car was a gift then you can't take it back. However you could remind her that you gave her the gift in full affection and in generosity and she could afford to treat her family with generos spirit and kindness too.

honestly you sound like your demanding a lot of her, 'opinionated' this entire post is kind of screaming red flags

I think maybe you are expecting too much. She's clearly struggling with her mental health/emotions and yes there is limited support unfortunately. Tbh the meal seems reasonable, she engaged in it. Did her gran speak to her and she completely ignored her? I get it's embarrassing for you but you can't take your frustration out on her. And if she owns the car it's hers. Although obviously you can stop pocket money if it will help. But it will likely just cause more frustration/bad feeling. I would massively lower your expectations for now and focus on supporting her. Yes call her out if she speaks rudely (in a polite role modelling way) but try not to demand too much. The holiday it sounds like she didn't want to be there did she have the option to not go?

My dd has adhd so I can sympathise, she was actually a late developer in terms of mood swings etc. so similar in that she was about 15. It was tough as she could be heinous at times. And ignored us the rest, she was also incredibly selfish and In considerate. She's 20 now and this last year we have seen a massive change she's wonderful and goes out of her way to help us out (babysitting) she's fun to be with. Although she is still untidy and expects us to pay for everything.

I agree with previous posters. Most of this seems like normal teenage girl behaviour. Is she your only child? I only ask as it seems like you're a bit over invested.
Perhaps she just didn't want to be at the meal, especially with her boyfriend. At this age I'm assuming she's A level age and off to Uni soon? I think that space will help, she is your child but also an independent young woman so needs to make her own choices.
And yes, don't take her car off her. What message does that give other than 'you're not doing what I want and so I'm restricting you'.
Does she have a job? That might help her. My DD worked at that age and it did give her much more independence as well as made her grow up by working with other grown ups who had expectations of her.
She'll be better in a few years.

Always worth keeping an eye on if the boyfriend nice to her?

@lailamaria I'm unsure what you mean by red flags?

Thank you all for the advice. She seems to want to come to these things, is never made to come, but once there seems like she doesn't want to be.

The boyfriend is lovely, a really lovely lad who is so laid back he is quite horizontal. We have had some issues as someone in his family took a big dislike to DD and said they thought she was bullying him. I would say that she does seem to moan and nag at him quite a lot - like she's his mother. I worry for her that eventually he will get fed up of the ups and downs and disappear. He spends quite a lot of time here or coming out with us. I don't begrudge him coming but both of them now are 18 but both still at sixth form so we end up paying for everything for both of them when he comes too.

She does have a part time job in a coffee shop, and she is doing As, but is thinking of a local university so would be staying at home. She keeps all of what she earns which is about £400 a month and uses it to fund her car and spends the rest.

It's so hard to see her behave this way as it isn't really a very likeable person 😔 It seems like so many of the peer group at school have their heads screwed on and are model citizens and DD seems to feel like she's hard done by - but I've no idea why as she's not 😣

Red flags are that your Original post reeked of intolerance and judgement of your DD and gives the perception that it's your parenting that's the issue here, I think.

She's 18. She's working, studying, has a nice boyfriend, - is short tempered, doesn't value her family, and sometimes behaves selfishly - all
Sounds absolutely normal to
Me.

She is struggling with becoming herself as all 18 year olds do. It's not a very pleasant thing to be around, but imagine how tetchy and self absorbed a butterfly is as it pushes its way out of the chrysalis.

Your job now afaic is to love her, be there when she asks for your help or time, stop judging her in such an unpleasant way, and stop expecting her to find growing up easy. With an ADHD diagnosis- which I have - she's got a double struggle going on and you need to double your support and positive "attention" to her. The attention deficit bit of adhd might easily relate to a deficit OF attention TO her.

When was the last time her dad did something fun and non judgmental with her? She

Oh fgs of course her friends are "model citizens" around you. I bet her friends' parents will be saying that about your DD. And if she gets a whiff of the fact that you rate her friends as "model citizens" while she's "not a nice personality" I really pity your DD

well for one she's an adult you have no right to give her consequences on the behaviour you just don't like, she hasn't even done anything only that she didn't fall over herself to chat to her gran all night, she's 18 of course she cares more about talking to her boyfriend especially because the older generation can be quite judgemental of any behaviour they deem 'rude' also she feels hard done by because 1. you've basically called her abusive to her boyfriend 2. you've compared her to her friends and 3. you've said she has a 'chip on her shoulder and thinks the world owes her a favour' but yet again the example you gave is her not wanting to do something and not expecting anything back so i don't see how that's thinking the world owes her a favour. Have you tried interacting with her neutrally instead of judgementally at all, and no you cannot take her car, if you already hate her behaviour then clipping her wings will just either force her to move out (which sounds like what your husband wants tbh) or force her to spend more hours in the house where you'll have to deal with her longer. Also i find it funny that anytime you describe somebody leaving her alone you make it out to be her fault.

Yeesh. Some of you guys are super harsh.

OP, this sounds tough, but no, there are no 'red flags' in your behaviour. It's fine to not know what to do and to ask for help. We are all figuring it out 100% of the time, you, me, and your daughter included.

She does just sound like a teenager though, and unfortunately no shortcuts through it. If she isn't displaying any genuinely antisocial behaviour, then you just need to model being a good, polite, respectful adult to her, and ride it out. I'm sure we can all cop to being a bit of a shit during our teens. Your mum will be alright, particularly if you can get your daughter to reach out to her one on one, maybe spend some time together separately.

Don't take the car off her- it won't accomplish much long term. Just be honest with her and talk to her like the adult that she now is, without judgement. Let her see your vulnerability rather than your anger.