16yo Dd stealing alcohol

[Dyslexicwonder]

Help please ! We have known that Dd likes the occasional drink for about 18m. In October 2020 when she was 14 we had complete nightmares with her and drinking. Since then she seemed to have calmed down and I even provided some drinks for parties (usually pre- mixed cocktails). This evening I was in my son's room (he is 19 and way at University) and noticed a bottle of spirits which he was given at Christmas was missing. I asked. DH had he moved it as he was cleaning up in there, he said no. I was so confused but remembered Dd had asked me about it the day before and I had told her where it was and why. While she was out I had a look in her room and found the unopend bottle of spirits and an empty bottle of vodka (a big one 75cl). I have no idea what to do, am wondering if she needs some professional help with her drinking. Should I punish her ? Ground her ? Cut her allowance ? WWYD. She is obviously very stressed about her exams and has been having trouble with her bf recently.

Could various factors op have caused the behavior ?

Well you’ve been encouraging it by buying her alcohol. So to come down and punish and ground her for drinking that you have enabled would be hypocritical not to mention that horse has already left the barn.

Id sit down and have an honest chat about how much alcohol she is drinking and take an educational approach in terms of safe limits, and see if she is self-medicating and chat about healthy ways to destress and options for help if she needs help with stress or depression or whatever,

Not the drinking it's the stealing and the concealment I have the issue with. Although if she has drunk a whole bottle of vodka I do have an issue with that, but would be more worried than anything.

i'd punish her (grounding or loss of allowance) for stealing from her brother + get help / counselling for alcohol use.

This ^

I am really laid back . I will be honest and say my. Children are very wee and I cannot be sure how I would feel about this, but my instinct says I would be wanting to love bomb about why this has happened, while being entirely hardcore on stealing from her brother. That is riding roughshod over my family's core values.

But if she is drinking to self medicate (and this is most common reason for it), then she will have MH struggles or trauma she is contending with. So punishment for anything will only make things worse, not better. I’m not sure I’d call it stealing btw as it’s not from a shop. It’s a bottle of spirits from the home that she may well have intended to reimburse her brother for.

I would be very concerned about a 16 year old drinking a whole bottle of vodka!

And if a 14 year has had issues with alcohol - why would you be buying pre-mixed cocktails for them?

OK so some clarifications. I didn't buy her any alcohol at 14. If you remember shortly after this escapade we were all locked down for several months. Following this (so summer 2021, she very nearly 15 ) she did start to go out again and we had the chat about sensible drinking and I got advice from other parents who suggested providing cider/ beer alcoholops as the hope is it will stop them drinking neat spirits and is easier to be in control of. Around this time (Summer/September 2021) her older brother started going to 18th birthday parties so I perhaps treated them similarly, she has always been "old for her age" and prepandemic (aged 12&15) I had usually had the same rules for both. TBH it had seemed to work until tonight. She hadn't become seriously intoxicated since then (a bit tipsy on a couple of occasions) and had come home when she said she would. She found a lovely bf in June last year and was studying hard and talking about sixth form. She has had a rough couple of weeks all normal teenage stuff, boyfriend stuff friendships, exams and has been in tears a couple of times, but I'm not sure about significant trauma or mental health crises.

So I have spoken to her (and her brother to check he hadn't said she could take it, which would obviously be different) and she says she hasn't been drinking at home, the vodka was from ages ago. She isn't sure why she took his Rum, she was planning to take it to a party, rather than drink it her self.

We spoke again about alcohol use and dependency, I suppose I should say here that FIL was a life long alcoholic and died in January 2021 so these are conversations we have had before. We have agreed that there are no more parties until Easter holidays at the earliest. I am not banning here from seeing her bf as I think that will only upset her more.

I didn’t say her age, I said you’d already bought her alcohol.

So if not 14, then how old was your underage DD when you did provide her with alcohol? (Hint it will be an age below 18):
I even provided some drinks for parties (usually pre- mixed cocktails)

It was in response to this :

And if a 14 year has had issues with alcohol - why would you be buying pre-mixed cocktails for them?

How old are your children Onnabugeisha ?

Get her some counselling. Please.

This was me, it was how my problem drinking started. At 47 I've now been sober 3.5 years. It was a long road to complete alcoholism, and maybe I would never have quite got there, but it was 100% the start to a very problematic relationship with alcohol and you need to help her with that now.

She's numbing herself from something. Help her understand what that is.