Struggling with dd (ds?)14

[Peterbear]

We've never really been close/bonded due to bad pnd and massive sleep issues. Was a daddy's girl but now appears to hate us both. Has been presenting as Male for 2 years/says is non binary etc etc. Tried to be accepting but been clear no ops until is an adult. ( hoping it's a phase but not sure it is..) we kind of bumble through life usual teenage rudeness etc but ever now and again I explode with rage at lack of ability to spend any time with us/eat/watch tv together. I've had a few of these 'rages' and daughter/son saying I'm giving her mental health problems and that I'm not a 'normal mum's as normal mums don't scream at their kids. I'm at the end of my tether.any advice? Anyone had family therapy? I am absolutely lost and not proud for losing my rag/shouting.

That's sad the read that you have bonding issues but I can kind of understand about pnd and sleep issues affecting your early bonding. But is that early start, or your regret at missing out on that affecting your ability to repair that now?
From your child's point of view, of course she doesn't want to watch TV or eat with someone who's liable to gave an outburst.
Can you start again? Let her eat alone, dont force anything. You can't force love. Just be gentle, listen and listen some more. I know with younger children they say to goto their level and play I their world. Would that work with a child of 14? Can you watch tiktok together, or whatever it is she's into?
Don't judge or criticise in the process. Just join in with her.
You don't need to approve or agree. But just be part of her world for a short time and build it up. She may confide or enjoy your company eventually and you will too.

Thankyou I appreciate your reply. She/they wont ever,ever sit and watch tv/tiki tok together - even if things are going 'well'. Pushes me away all the time. Have tried to start again so many times but we never get anywhere. Can see us being nc in future which is just awful.

I would love to listen and I have tried but she literally doesn't speak to me - so there's nothing to listen to :(

It is quite common for them not to want to do stuff together at this age. Do you give lifts? Car is a good place to talk as no eye contact required. It sounds like you're feeling quite hurt and pushed out, could that be getting in the way as it may feel like there's this huge pressure to "do stuff together".

Can you pinpoint any single time where you get any kind of successful conversation or interaction? Even something like "What's for tea?" Either you or DH.

I think your original idea of family therapy is a good one. It sounds like you’ve always struggled to bond so I suspect there will be a lot of difficult feelings deep down, both sides, that would be important to talk through. Having someone there with you to do it makes a lot of sense as it will be hard to talk about it. It might help if there is someone neutral in the room who might be trying to improve both of your sense of compassion about each other if that makes sense. I think there is an association of family therapists and you can look on there.

It’s definitely worth investing time and money into this relationship as it is one of the most important you’ll ever have.

The general advice is to detach yourself and get on with your own life whilst keeping a watchful eye on them. It is incredibly hard and at times it's heartbreaking but it's a developmental stage they all go through, some more brutally than others.

I would let her be alone if that's what she wants. It is very normal. Don't push doing stuff with family. Is she socialising with friends and attending school with no issues?

Thanks for your responses. S/he goes to school 4 out of 5 days on average but has lots of stomach aches/anxiety so has duvet days. Has a couple of good mates and spends as much time round at theres as possible. Never invites anyone here even tho I've mentioned this many times. I really have tried watchful waiting but have long history of anxiety/depression and it's not easy. Meeting her for a go appointment after school tomorrow- she wd rather wander round in the rain for an hour than meet me in a cafe for a cuppa b4 the appt which kind of sums things up 😔

Just to say I am going through similar.

It hurts like hell when you see other daughters and their mums out together and the teen valuing or respecting their opinion.

Sorry to hear that. Yes it's torturous to see people doing mum and daughter things. Hope things get better for you.x

Same to you. I keep hoping time will improve things.

Fairly typical teenage behaviour. Many live an online life. Don’t push it, watchful eye and leave her be. She has a right to the relationship she wants with you. Stop shouting at her, but be available when/if she wants.

some harsh advice here, stop complaining and start supporting your child, if they want the operation now then that's what they NEED!

At 14?