12 Yr old boy never accepts blame, seems to hate us

[Feelingfrustrated40]

Morning. I'm feeling very upset with the current situation with my 12 year old son. He has always been a joy and he is a sensible well behaved lad, does well at school etc , can be a bit chatty.
Over the past year or so we have noticed that anything he does wrong at school or at home, he will immediately try to blame someone else or do everything he can together get out of it, even if we saw him do it. If its something that requires a consequence, such as loss of games console, he will absolutely hate us for it ( understandable) and if we try to calmly talk to him about it later he will focus on how much he hates us and its all our fault without acknowledging the thing he did at all . In-between these telling off he's fine.
As with most preteens his moods have started to ramp up etc but I'm just struggling to deal with it. If I didn't bite my tongue we could be arguing or having disagreements almost 24/7 over absolutely everything.
What is the best approach to take in this situation? I'd like to think we good parents on the whole, we've always been encouraging and loving . He just seems very entitled and as my husband would describe it, it's like he's trying to run the home and be the boss of everyone , constantly arguing back over the smallest request etc , and telling me what he's doing rather than asking. There is just no respect there.
My husband and I realised that we rarely argue about anything apart from our son. Not getting much pleasure from this at the moment

Sorry I have no answers but interested in the replies. My 9 year old is just like this, he can't understand the relationship between behaviour and consequences, I know he's younger but his older brother wasn't like this. His brother would get upset and regretful, but he gets angry and resentful. We have just started the process of an ADHD diagnosis, but no idea if the 2 are related.

Ah. Frustrating phase. My daughter was/is like this. Almost 16 now, but from about 11, even if we saw her do something, she'd say she didn't! She will go all about the houses with excuses to not be responsible or not the one to blame. She is better now but still finds it almost intolerable to accept blame.

With her, we found life was simpler if we weren't drawn into an argument and just stated facts- "these are the consequences for your actions whether you like them or not and whether you like us for it or not."

It's frustrating when they do it though and you know they're responsible but they won't have any blame assigned to them. Like the time she spilt maple syrup all over the new sofa and swore blind that she didn't, she had eaten at the breakfast bar and we were ridiculous, she didn't even like syrup. She was the one who got up at 6am to make herself pancakes. She was the one who sat in the front room to eat them even though the rule was not to eat stuff like that on the sofa. It was not only her plate on the arm of the sofa, but it was her OWN syrup she'd been given by someone who visited Canada recently! She turned it around to be my fault for buying a new sofa when the old one was perfectly fine and she preferred it and I had ruined her comfort in this house. 🙄

Glad to hear others are the same, it just feels like your the only ones when your going through it!!
I think that's our biggest problem at the moment, we tend to get drawn in to an argument or over discuss it. We definitely need to simplify things down and just give a short explanation.
He told me last night that he's leaving as soon as he is old enough and is never going to see us again!! This reaction is over him being told he couldn't have another snack after already eating a large meal and pudding . Everything is a huge drama with him!!
Even though most of the time it's over something very small , the way he kicks off has an effect on the whole family and the atmosphere. He has started to ruin days out etc with his moods and I'm tempted to start leaving him at home for the first time, but I also don't then want him to think we are pushing him out ! Can't win!

They're not supposed to be enjoyable at this age! They're hormone fuelled, biologically driven to fight against their parents in order to foster their independence. The compliant ones are the ones to worry about. Continue to bite you tongue. Offer the choice of coming on days out. Gentle but firm. Like when he was a toddler.

I think ignore/don't get involved where possible, if he has another snack after dinner then he'll have to deal with the natural consequences (indigestion/nothing for packed lunch tomorrow). It's honestly not worth fighting every battle - and it also gives them an element of making their own decisions, including things like going on days out.

Make sure you have your red lines eg homework done, no swearing, or whatever your household rules are and then try to grin and bear it. If it's any consolation my DS12 often says after an outburst he doesn't know why he was rude or angry and doesn't mean it.

I've got a 13 year old like this, and a 17 year old who's coming out the other side. It's normal teen behaviour I think.
Just try and pick your battles, otherwise you feel like you're in conflict with your teen 24-7.

My twelve year old is the same. We have some good times, laughs etc but it's like walking on eggshells and what with the gaslighting (I DIDN'T SOAK THE TOWEL OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU LYING) etc it sometimes feels like I'm in an abusive relationship. I try to praise the good bits but then I worry I'm spoiling him. I don't have a clue really.

I would advise you look at whether you are very strict, nagging. A basic thing taught early was seven positives to one negative - do you say a lot of positives to him?

Find lots of opportunities to thank him, praise him, engage with him as well as criticising and punishing.

Resentment is natural at this age.

Also model good behaviour - apologise openly yourself, forgive yourself, discuss your own mistakes.

To what extent are the consequences he receives actually connected to / proportionate to the behaviour?

Most kids react to situations based on what they're expecting from past experience – so if he's having a disproportionately defensive reaction to the prospect of consequences, I wonder if that's rooted in some past experience and fear. (And I'm not presuming you're being scary or over-the-top at all – just trying to think about it from his perspective)

The wording here is important - 'blame' vs 'responsibility' and 'punishment' vs 'discipline'. One set of language is about learning, the other's about power and control.

Also, as PPs are saying, pre-teen is a tough and confusing time for everyone. Be gentle with yourselves – him and you both 😊

what are the things you're blaming him for? What exactly has he done? How about fixing the wrong instead of punishment?

So just from your example, why does he have to ask to take food? Is the same rule applied to everyone in the house?
Why is his games console confiscated if he is generally good and sensible? What's the issues causing this as a punishment?

It's hard to say what to do. They do push boundaries at this age. Choose your battles would probably be my advice. There's no need to punish everything if natural consequences lead to natural punishment, and don't make it a power trip.

Sounds like teenage hormones to me.

If my son does something out of order, I take the router away or similar. He yells that he hates me, I shrug and say 'yep, I'm Cruella deVille'

Then I tell him that the router will be returned when he has brought his dirty washing downstairs (after I've asked 10 times and he's ignored me) and then I wander off, make a coffee, do some gardening, wash the car 😊

A little while later, he'll stomp out into the garden and tell me his laundry is in the laundry room, at which point I calmly say thank you, come in from the garden, plug in the router and go and sort the washing.

I don't let it upset me. It is of no concern to me that he will have to go to school in a smelly shirt with ketchup down the front. He, on the other hand, minds because he has his first girlfriend.

I refuse to enter into an argument. I don't try to discuss it further. There is nothing to say. The rule is he brings me his dirty laundry on a Saturday morning or he loses internet access. No negotiation. No discussion.😀

Don't let your ds upset you. That's what he wants. Be completely indifferent and unmoved.