Rude, Aggressive Teenager-what to advise my friend?

[HamBone]

I could use some MN wisdom to pass onto a friend as I can’t think of any.

One of my BFF’s rang me earlier today asking for advice regarding her DS (14). He’s being incredibly rude and disrespectful, won’t listen, orders her around (wash these jeans, make me food, etc.) and often just leaves the house on his bike if she tries to talk to him. He’s also lost his temper and been aggressive towards her (standing over her shouting, for example), which is scary as he’s strong and quite athletic. ☹️

For context, she went through a horrible divorce when he was a toddler and has a hostile relationship with her ex whom she suspects is undermining her/talking contemptuously about her when her DS is with him. She says that his behaviour is significantly worse after he’s spent the weekend with his Dad.

She asked me for advice on what to do and I could tell that she was hoping I’d come up with something good-but I couldn’t. Any thoughts? Her ex refuses to co-parent with her so she’s got to handle this on her own.

Oh, and his Dad pays for their son’s phone so she can’t restrict that, for example -plus her son refuses to give it to her.

Parenting teens is all about the quality of the relationship. What is she doing to really invest in that?

As an outsider, I think she makes a big effort, tbh. She basically does all the parenting and his Dad sees him every other weekend and for the occasional holiday. She does all the day-to-day parenting, has coached sports teams he’s played on, welcomes his friends to their house, takes him on great holidays. She definitely tries, imo.

Her ex really seems to hate her though, even though he was the one who cheated and left! It wouldn’t surprise me if he’s actively encouraging their son to treat her like dirt. Their DD (18) chose to stop spending time with her Dad a couple of years ago as he’s not interested in her, only his son. ☹️

Any ideas, anyone?

Perhaps the boy could live with dad for a while?

Yes treat him like a giant toddler

Do not give into his demands

Remove his phone when he is misbehaving and turn the internet off if he is playing on his pc

Furthermore if he threatens her she should threaten to call the police or let him stay with his dad for a few months

She is the adult and she is in control. Not him. Her

Also withhold money

refuse to engage in petty arguments

Not sure about advice as such, but I have a 15 year old DS who is either a ray of sunshine (20% of the time) or a total arse (80% of the time). It comes with the age I think, and mine also sees his dad ever couple of weekends and once a week. He used to come home in a crap mood without fail which I put up with for ages and felt guilty about, until I frankly got tired of pandering to his shit. I accept that divorce, no matter how well done, can leave kids feeling unstable and unsure. But it was time to learn that life is sometimes a bit up in the air and you can’t take it out on others. He was swiftly told he was welcome to go live with his dad if he couldn’t be bothered to speak to me respectfully, which he declined. He was also told to treat me with respect and I will ensure you get the same back, but treat me like something youve trodden in and you can forget all those privileges you get that I largely pay for. My XH would not speak negatively of me, but even if he did, I would still have gotten tired of being treated poorly and told him to buck up his ideas and suggested he live with his father if not happy at mine. He’s also on occasion behaved a bit ‘alpha male’ which I loathe (and have no idea where’s he learned it, god knows his dad isn’t), and I’ve told him a couple of times that masculinity is fine, but wind it in with the bloke-iness.
Sorry, not much use, but I am sympathetic that it is hard for them (and us) growing up and they sometimes behave like twats as a result.

This sounds like parental alienation from dad's part, especially as you say his behaviour is worse after a weekend at dad's.

I've no suggestion to give, I'm afraid. Unfortunately, this is a tricky situation. The more restrictions she imposes, the more the boy will complain to dad and get closer to him. Maybe she could find someone (relative, friend, therapist) to talk to her son and act as a mediator explaining to him that his behaviour is quite hurtful and imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, etc.

Teenagers are wired different and notoriously lack empathy and are also very selfish, so the idea of shouting and imposing even more restrictions will only alienate him further. She can also invest in quality time with him, just the two of them. Ask him what he wants to do instead of suggesting something.

I speak from experience as my H is a massive gaslighter and narc and I had to learn how to counteract his behaviour so it wouldn't influence my son's.