Lovely DS, just not that bright and doesn't put effort in at school

[warmlights]

My DS is 14. He is a lovely lad, kind and caring to his siblings, tells us he loves us all the time etc. However, he comes out with the most stupidest of comments a lot of the time which make no sense and are frankly really dim witted and even his much younger sisters seem dumbfounded with some of the things he says. He's in all the middle sets at school and does the bare minimum of homework and school work despite me reminding him about deadlines and homework. He has has a couple of detentions recently for forgetting his homework or equipment and got a couple of grade 2s in some recent tests - teachers have suggested that he might be able to manage a grade 4/5 in his GCSES. Both me and DH were both hard workers and driven at school despite not being 'bright' - mainly because we wanted to escape our small towns but I can't see any drive at all in my DS, I wonder if we've made things too comfortable for him. I feel worried for him that he will flunk his GCSEs and then be upset when all his mates go back to do their A Levels at Sixth Form and he regrets how he has behaved now. I'm fine with him doing an apprenticeship, but at the moment can't see him putting in the effort to get one, or applying to college to learn a vocation. Has anyone got some wise words about what we could do? Thanks

Even if he does work hard now, which he def should, do not encourage him to do a levels. Find a practical or new course he will like or apprenticeship at 16. Focus on English and maths to 4, 3 other subjects preferred too to make 5 4s at gcse. A levels are hard and many end up doing them who have no chance, really they are a good stepping stone to uni.

Also he may well be better suited to work, many people get jobs at 16 or 17 eg working as a ta in a sen school eventually leading to teaching and headship at 40. Mcdonalds paying for degree and MBA. Etc. Being paid tends to focus the mind 🤣

Sit him down with a computer and look at jobs and what they pay. Tell him what you earn and what that pays for.. mortgage, bills, food. I did it with mine, they have to understand what life costs. I told my kids whatever they did, as long as they worked, I would be proud of them but they had to understand what this would give them in terms of life choices. So aim high as they can. All work is amazing and brings something to society, some pays more than others, some have weekends included or extra hours during the week. It’s his life and the sooner he understands that his choices now impact that the better imo.

One more, if he is practical maybe he'll be a good driver which opens up.other avenues if he doesn't pass English

I’d say keep encouraging him at school. But also school isn’t everything, he’s a decent person so he may still do well and get a decent job. Itl be great if he gets a job eventually that supports the life he wants. He doesn’t have to be a huge career person, we work to live, we don’t need to live to work.

Thank you both, very helpful guidance. He is quite practical and showing him what you need to earn to have certain things in life is a good call, he thinks that he will have his own flat at 18 🙈

Maybe he can be a caretaker with a flat or groundskeeper 🤣

One of the problems with school is that all homework is online and he does it on his phone so it’s not like the old days when a parent could check their work and help them think of how they could inprove it. Although not sure my parents ever did that for me, they just left me to get on with it!

This could be my DS at 14/15/16 yo. They do "grow" more common sense.

Mine went to work in McDonalds when he left school "temporarily" while he worked out what to do next. I have to say they're an excellent employer. He had great training and supportive management. An absolute godsend for a young person during lockdown. He was promoted twice and left as an assistant manager.

He then went to a Coffee house chain where he was involved in a team opening new restaurants nationwide and has just, aged 21, been given his own shop and a management track that could see him progressing onto area manager, head office or training.

There are paths out there for non academic kids.

I will print off the prospectus of our local college and see what the courses look like. I think apprenticeships are very sought after now so doubt he’d be in with a chance unless he pulls his finger out ☹️

Thank you Babyleafy, your DS sounds like he has done really well, you must be proud

Why is he doing his homework on a phone? Do you not have a study area set up with a computer or tablet for homework? That seems really awful study hygiene.

It's DS's warm way with people that has been his super power, sounds a lot like your DS?

Yes Babyleafy, I do get compliments that my DS is kind and very polite and a ‘nice lad’, he’s did outdoor volunteering work for DofE and the guy who he worked for was very complimentary. Wonder if his brain is still developing as he really does come out with the very silly comments, so bad that your mouth just drops 😳

He does have a desk and a laptop but accesses homework on his phone from there 🙄 Unfortunately I can’t stand over him the whole time as am WFH and need to be doing my job…

Hmm. Perhaps his goal is to not work at a desk. Has he thought about what he’d need to do to be say a ranger for a conservation charity? Like RSPB or the Forestry Service or National Trust?

His brain is definitely still developing. The male brain isn't fully formed until 25 and in my own career that was really evident. I worked in a male dominated industry for the first 25 years of my career. Most of the people at director level now didn't apply themselves to anything except "fun" until they were 25. It was almost as if a switch flipped at 25 and all these men I'd previously outranked suddenly started over taking me It probably makes a difference that this wasn't a place where people had degrees (in those days) so maybe the ones who'd applied themselves better earlier weren't there, but it was definitely a thing.

'what do you want to be when you grow up said the mole...... Kind said the boy'...... Charles Mackesy.

He already has the most important attribute to be a decent person Op. Don't worry, he's very young, boys don't seem to grow up til much later and 14 is far too early for them to decide what to do,(three of my own and they sometimes still seem to come out with jaw droppingly stupid things in their 30s😂). Last one didn't know what he wanted to do, messed up his exams. Volunteered in a charity shop, did a 6 month placement scheme in a nursery, call centre job before he decided to go to uni to do nursing (which he had to do access course for first as he'd messed up A levels). Once they decide they make it happen but two of mine have been 24-25 before they finished education and got a proper job.

Really appreciate the wisdom, kind words and advice given, thank you

Focus on English and maths, getting 5 for them even if need tutor. Will just make everything harder later on if doesn't have them