14dd caught lying online chatting etc. Help. Long post

[Stressedoutt]

My daughter is lovely. Funny and clever. Well liked by her teachers etc.
I found out two weeks ago that she had added a complete stranger to discord and had been chatting to him. Nothing much had been said and DD was embarrassed but said she was sorry, loads of kids at school do it. We deleted her account and I told her I would be checking her other social accounts daily. She wasnt allowed her phone or laptop upstairs until further notice.

During the following days I found messages between her and her girlfriends talking about the random boys they were talking to. And a full 24 hours worth of messages between my daughter and a boy who said he was 15. (One of my daughter's friends from cadets apparently knew him first, according to her in real life) He attends a different cadet department.

My daughter admitted that she had sent him photos in her bra and he had sent her dick pics....

She apologized, said she didn't know why she sent the photos, is insisting she wasn't coerced into sending them. The have been messaging for 10! Days and the messages were all LV u babes etc plus the rude ones but with most if their chat being in Snapchat I cannot really see.

I found loads of messages between her and one friend that go back months, my daughter telling her not to talk to randoms online then over time her saying she has found one... Just loads of crap and normal silly girl gossip and teenage in between this dangerous behaviour.

We discussed at length with hugs, I love yous and decided to delete Snapchat and Instagram.
I already had Google family linked so she had limits on all her accounts. I thought I was being safe.

So she now has an old Instagram that was set up and forgotten about when she got her new phone. I've left that in but for now made it so she cannot receive messages and I have it linked to my Instagram via family link so I can see her follow lists.

So we went in for a few days, she was really only talking to one friend via WhatsApp. Mostly normal how you doing ect but this girl was the one that is in contact with the boy DD was messaging, so she's asking if she's going to message him etc once she has socials back. ..

Then I realized that they had been deleting messages... When I said I could retrieve them by uninstalling and reinstalling DD broke down in tears and said her friend had send her self harm photos and talked about self harm to her and begged her to delete these messages as her friend knew I was checking DD phone.
By this time I have cried for days, feel completely hopeless.

I tell her I must let someone know, she agrees and the only way I can contact her mother is FB message. How absolutely terrible is that.
Long story short her mum is getting her help but is almost certain she's trying to fit in with other friends who self harm. I just don't know what going on.

My DD says all of her year are either talking to people online self harming or some other destructive behaviour.

My DD and her friend did meet up since at cadets and all is fine with them which is great as each if them were worried that there actions would mean the other would leave their friendship behind.

What am I meant to be doing?
I've read loads these last few weeks, some things say don't cut your teen off by removing socials but I felt I had to.

I don't think I trust her to not do it again.
I've asked if she felt she needed to fit in, if she is feeling down about herself etc. She says not but I feel like it must be the case.

She admits that her actions were risky but says she felt like she knew what she was doing.

What would you be doing?
Please don't be too harsh on me. I'm sobbing writing this, I feel so lost on how to help her

I don’t have advice but you have my full sympathy. I think it’s such a shock to find out you’ve been lied to. It’s like a betrayal whilst trying to keep your child safe and being the adult.

You’re angry and helpless at the same time.

I hope you get some good advice 🙂

As someone who grew up on early social media and messaging apps (MySpace, AOL) I have to tell you that none of your DD behaviour is unfamiliar. I’m 31 now!

Regarding messaging boys; is your daughter at an all girls school? I was (a boarding school in fact) and we would spend nights in the computer room chatting to boys online via AOL and MSN. By ‘we’ I meant a whole class of around 30 girls!

I think it was almost our way of ‘experimenting’ without actually doing anything physically as we couldn’t. There were plenty of dick pics and other really inappropriate messages flying around, and we all thought it was quite funny and exhilarating. Obviously in hindsight it wasn’t, but at the time we weren’t actually sexually charged by most of this. I think it was more the shock factor. I recall also sending bra pictures (nothing to see either) at some points. Not quite sure why either but I had a lot of confidence then as opposed to a lack of it. It’s that awkward phase between being an adult and no longer being a child and often the idea of being ‘sexy’ is idealised for teen girls as it’s that idea of femininity and being ‘older’ that they generally look up to at that age.

I think the concern now is that being online and social media presence does mean that we all have a footprint on the internet and can be easily tracked, harassed, blackmailed and or stalked as a consequence of all of this. This is what you must emphasise to your daughter. Not sure if it would be worth researching some documentaries on the topic and watching them together? I watched one a year or so ago on Netflix or Amazon and it was pretty shocking: involved blackmail and women’s photographs being posted online for public consumption.

You can take away your DD’s online profiles, and I do agree it’s a good consequence for her actions. However, she won’t learn much from it unless she’s really educated and more concerned about the outcome of what she is doing and the dangers it poses. I remember at that age, the results of my behaviour were never much of a concern and likely it would be the same for your daughter, unless she is given a short sharp reality check as to what could happen to her. Teenagers will find a way to misbehave no matter what you do unfortunately.

In regards to self harming, this has also been around for a very long time and it’s not something I think necessarily influences others to do the same. It sounds like her friend was crying for some kind of help by sharing what she had been doing, and as long as your daughter feels loved and accepted at home she shouldn’t feel the need to cry out for attention that way.

I would worry more right now about her obliviousness or rather lack of care towards the consequences of her actions than the self harming for now if it doesn’t seem to be an issue for her. Unfortunately this all sounds quite common in teenage girls, based on my own experience - so a good injection of some paranoia would do well to give her a reality check!

Thankyou so much for your thoughtful reply. Just to clarify as I think my post was rather muddled. My daughter isn't self harming.

It's all just such a shock.

No she goes to a regular school.

I didn't add this as I thought my post was so long. But while all this was coming out she told me she had a "boyfriend" at the cadets she attends. It lasted a few weeks and it was her first snog. She admitted sexting happened with him aswell.

I feel like you are right in that it's normal experimentation for her age but with the addition of random strangers and photos I've been worried sick. I have really tried to make her understand that you cannot know for sure who you are talking to online especially when it's romantic as people have agendas, weather they are 15 or a creepy old man.

And yes it's feels like she thinks she's indestructible to be honest. She's not been rude to me or even cheeky really but I can tell by her face she's thinking "oh here we go again" when I say anything.

I have been looking for good documentaries or even movies that I think could educate without boring her but I cannot find anything. I will look again as I think that's a great idea

I just feel at a loss. I started HRT 4 months ago and have been off my game so feel like I missed some signs or something.

Thankyou

Please don’t beat yourself up about it, there’s nothing you could have done to prevent this aside from banning your daughter from social media altogether, and even then it may have caused her to misbehave more badly (and lie more) in real life, which is far far worse!

thankfully your daughter felt safe enough to disclose the boyfriend that she had in the cadets, and as above I think a lot of the sexting is her way to experiment without physically doing something she isn’t ready for. A lot of teen boys are watching some really depraved things online, and I guess for girls non-physical experimentation may take place with somebody they feel some kind of connection with, specifically via text or whatever it is they use to message. I think it’s relatively normal although, again, it could backfire as a result of the photos.

two documentaries come to mind for you to check out (and decide if they are suitable for you both to watch together)

‘the most hated man on the internet’ (netflix)

sextortion (Netflix)

I also found this link which may be useful, I think watching a few of these would be just punishment/education! I’m getting creeped out reading the descriptions below!

parlemag.com/2022/05/movies-about-dangers-of-social-media/

Honestly, my daughter started a ‘big’ school 3 years ago and I was so worried she would change. Yes, there are girls you see who are clearly having treatments (tan, eyelashes, extreme make up and ‘attitude’) but she has made friends with a different group and prefers ‘geeky pursuits’. It’s nonsense that everyone has to have tic toc or Snapchat to survive. I let my daughter have complete freedom because she knows she can ask me anything and we will talk and decide together if it’s a good idea.

My rule is this - if you wouldn’t walk down the high street with a sandwich board with your statement on, then you don’t say it. Anything you say will be traced back to you and have to be confident and proud of the statements you make.

To start with does she know she broke the law sending pics in her underwear?

And so did he with his pics?

I don't think you can close her social media completely. It's like learning to cross the road, you teach your child when it is save to cross, the internet is like that, she needs to know how to use it safely.

Watch Kayleigh's love story together. The first link is tot he film, the second the resources that go with it, the film is a true story and Kayleigh's family were involved with making it.

www.leics.police.uk/police-forces/leicestershire-police/areas/leicestershire-force-content/c/campaigns/2019/kayleighs-love-story/

Hi OP. There’s a documentary on iPlayer by a girl called Zara McDermott about girls including herself who have sent pictures and they’ve then been shared etc.. might be worth a watch x

@Stressedoutt
I feel for you and I know what it's like having been through it ourselves with DD.
They do seem to have this thought that they can mess about and as long as they don't share location or meet the person in real life nothing wrong can happen to them.

They don't realise the impact of digital footprint and how it can come back to haunt them.
No suggestions from me really. I just wanted to say you are not alone.

I don’t think OP is concerned with her daughter tanning or wearing false eyelashes? Good for you that your daughter is well behaved but being a teen often comes with a variety of behaviours that can be uncontrollable to a parent.

I am sure OP has given her daughter multiple talks I doubt it would be particularly helpful in her situation. It’s not as black and white as thinking of a sandwich board in this scenario, and she’s clearly not publicly posting things for everyone to see which is part of the issue for OP.

Hey OP @Stressedoutt

Don’t know how much advice I can offer you from a parents perspective but I have been through what your daughter is going through and can understand why you’re concerned.

I’d rather not share publicly what happened but I ended up self harming (I know your daughter isn’t but her friend is) and I had a really had experience which I’d never wish on anyone.

Please feel free to PM me if I can help you in any way x

Thankyou and yes. I have explained to her the law and told her the seriousness of those actions.

Thankyou for that link. I showed it to my DD and she said they seen it at school 🤷‍♀️. Bloody kids.

The thing you mentioned about crossing the road was helpful. I am hopeful I can encourage her to use the internet safety. Again thankyou

Thankyou. On your recommendation I watched about half of that episode yesterday to make sure it would be suitable and I think we are going to watch it together this afternoon.

Thankyou. I wasn't sure how to respond to that.

We are an open family, we talk... Or maybe I chatter while my kids cringe and roll their eyes, about sex, internet dangers, periods, Willy's etc. All light hearted hopefull that when the time came they felt they could talk to me and they wouldn't be embarrassed.

And yes, these posts are not broadcast for all to see, they were kept private and secret which is what worried me.

My DD is stunning, no make up, maybe mascara and lipgloss at weekends girl. She insists she knows she's beautiful haha

Thanks

Hi everyone.

First of all, wow- teenagers… what a challenge this is!!!

I’m having difficulties with my 13 yo daughter and social media.

We have a collective rule in the house that any social media that they want to join, we have to discuss it first. Previously she’s downloaded it twice without doing so and I’ve just recently found out she’s done it again!!

I’m so sick of the lies…. I don’t want to use punishment but how is she going to learn?!

Any advice would be welcome. I’m currently sitting on buying a phone that you can only call and text off 🤣

thanks 😊

Sorry completely forgot to add - she does have social media but this particularly app is instagram. She is old enough for it I’m just disappointed she hasn’t discussed it with me first.

I'm 32 and I also did all of these things. We were the online Guinea pigs and there was virtually nothing out there regarding the dangers of the Internet (not compared to now anyway). I remember chatting to a lorry driver on a chat forum and he wanted to meet up. I knew I wasn't going to meet up with him but I was enjoying winding him up. Think I was 14 or 15. Horrifies me thinking about it now. Also sent photos of myself in my bra to a random stranger. Awful. The difference is my parents were oblivious and still are now. They'd probably be shocked if I told them what I got up to. The good thing is that you're aware of it OP.

I think we’ve all been there!

I don’t think I got it right tbh but I would say that the parents who think they can stop their teen accessing social media are wrong.

they just do it and keep it a secret.

we let them have accounts and tried to monitor it.