Am I over reacting?

[Emmski44]

Bit of background: 2 DD twins 13, they are technically my nieces but have lived with us for 8 years and love them like my own.

One DD speaks to me with zero respect, barges round the house, slamming doors, monumental mood swings etc. Last night she was on a group call with her mates, DH has to get up early for work so I asked very nicely for her to turn volume down a bit, I got a mouthful - I'd had a long day so I just took her phone off her - she told me she hated me and wished I would die - really hurt me. She eventually apologised and I gave her the phone back. We had a chat - one of many, I tell her how much I love her and that she needs to stop talking to me in this way, she is always genuinely sorry.

Tonight, I made tea and she starts shouting that it's disgusting, she can' eat it - not what she said bothered me, but how she said it - I asked her to speak to me with a bit of respect, DH took phone off her - he thinks I'm too soft and need to give consequences that she cares about. she gives me a mouthful, says she hates me so much, storms about etc
So I am now sat here thinking I over reacted, DD is upstairs hating me and probs hungry. I just feel really sad and don't think I'm handling these outbursts right. I feel like Im im going round in circles and need help breaking this cycle!

Two things stand out to me.

are things more difficult for her because she’s just a more challenging kid than her sister - so having a better behaved twin highlights this? Obviously some of us are moodier, stroppier etc - it must be hell having this silently pointed out day in day out by a ‘nicer’ sister.

And what use really is taking her phone away? Other than prove you have the power to do this? How will it achieve what you ultimately want - her to be respectful? It won’t, it will just alienate her more.

what’s the root cause of her behaviour? She’s not happy, obviously. Why is that? What are the family dynamics like? Can you make every effort to (temporarily at least) ignore bad behaviour whilst improving your relationship, as you would a toddler.

Focus on the good stuff she does. Take every opportunity to point out when she’s being lovely, even if it feels forced. Take her for lunch, for treats. Ignore her crap.
if she feels happier it might help her be less angry etc …

it might not sound like it but I really sympathise. I’m sorry you’re sad, they can break our hearts at times, but that’s not want they want to do. She loves you enough to push the boundaries and test your limits and my god it’s tough not to react - especially if you have another, easier child. That’s not her fault though.

you have a fair few years of this to go before they morph into lovelies, so work on your relationship with your partner (you need to stay close) and developing a thick skin and a sense of humour.
get a dog so you can take it for long walks?
all will be well, you will all survive. 💪

Also, there’s another thread on here - Just had my first ‘I hate you’, and Choconut and Mindthegap have excellent advice

Theyre much more eloquent than me and, with the greatest of respect to your dp, probably have much more parenting experience than him. It’s not always about giving out consequences that cause resentment and negativity.
Check out what they have to say.

Is she eating okay generally? My dd behaved like this when she was developing an ED.

If no other concerns with mental health then I actually think taking the phone off her is fine. I took my dds phone off her for 3 weeks at that age for various reasons and the difference in her behaviour and attitude was astounding.

Sometimes they need a phone break.

Thanks all, we had a chat and watched a film together so a much happier household. my dp had a very different upbringing than me, and whilst he can see it wasn't the right way to parent, he does have a tendancy to turn into his mum when he is stressed and go straight to consequences. I am conscious of the better behaved sibling (although she has her moments) and I do treat her, praise her and try and ignore the eye rolling and general moodiness, but she really knows how to press my buttons!!
You have reinforced that i do need to develop a thicker skin though I think - I do over think and sometimes in my desperation to be the best parent I can be, and to make up for the shit parenting they had early in their lives, end up over reacting.