Intervention needed

[AnnaRaisingTeens]

We’ve had the mid year school reports this week, and they are not good (Lower Sixth, 4th form and 2nd form). Way below class averages and outright failing several things. Smart boys who started grammar school at the top of their respective classes. Some serious parental intervention is needed and we are going to talk to the children later tonight. It feels like this will be a lot of stick and not much carrot.

Has anyone any experience of making successful interventions with teens who do not have good study habits? Any little or big things which made a difference? We have 2 boys and a girl, she’s generally doing well but they are not. They don’t study, at all, and have no motivation to organise themselves to do well. Homeworks are mediocre or dashed off. I am feeling pretty discouraged today but will not give up and would love to steer them towards turning it around.

What’s changed for them? Why have they lost motivation? What’s leading to the ‘burnout’? What do the teachers think is the cause? Are there other distractions?
ADHD?

Any idea what’s behind it? Disorganisation, lack of care, forgetfulness, no specific career ideas so nothing feels worthwhile? Have their teachers suggested a cause?

Thanks both. The reality is that they coasted through the first few years of secondary and that only takes you so far. Now that some heads down hard work is needed, they are not putting the effort in. Effort grades are no better than average, the teachers see that they are not putting the work in.

We are separated and so splitting time between two households doesn’t make it easy for young people. I’m most worried about DS17 who just has no motivation for anything at all. I actually googled ‘low dopamine’ to understand it a bit. He just doesn’t care. No adhd issues.

Sounds like they’re ‘used to being the bright ones’ and have maybe become a bit too confident over the years. Yep, time for a chat. I would go at it from the angle of ‘your friends will be doing more than they’re admitting, do you really want to see them with a choice of careers while you’re stuck in a dead end job? Just being bright doesn’t mean that won’t happen to you’.

I don't have an answer, but also have a 17yo in y12 who has completely checked out. She has no motivation to work but I do feel this is very much linked to a) she has zero idea what she wants to do in the future. She's sick of studying and pressure, too much homework and expectations of university (from the school) and b) she's loving her social life, has massive FOMO and wants to just have fun. It's very difficult to persuade her that her fun will be hugely curtailed by being skint with no prospects.
I'm riding it out, biting my tongue and desisting from lectures. I've bollocked, pled, bribed and now I'm trying to be in the "You are old enough to know the consequences, you figure it out" camp.

Is DS 17 motivated to do things like driving? Other things that he wants to learn to do? My DS is also 17 and up to end of yr 11 he wasn't too bothered, literally did what he had to do to get through GCSEs and keep DH and I off his back.

He then realised what he wanted to learn, he wanted to learn a new language with a view to doing a year abroad at uni- not a language he had studied in the past and in fact he hated French at school and didn't take it at GCSE. We ran with this "whim" and supported it. He's still going nearly 2 years later- weekly lessons online on top of his school work.

The move to A Levels has been positive, again only studying what he wants to. Is your DS taking the right courses for him?

We also found a great uptick in interest in earning money once he realised how much putting petrol in his car would cost. Now has a steady, well-paid (but menial, not in any way glamorous) job for a couple of hours each day.

look at the entry requirements of some potential degree courses with them. Look at the difference between salary for graduate and non graduate jobs.

Money orientated? I offered my teen £10 for every grade he got above his predicted grade, -£5 for every grade that he got below it.

It cost me around £120 pounds at the time his GCSEs came out, but it was worth it

link your computers to their computers so you can see what websites they are on and monitor browsing history? I did this through my virus protection software.

Ask them for their opinions on what would help motivate them - they probably don't want to be feeling like this

targets and treats, what do they love? Tickets to a football match if certain standards are met? two homeworks with top marks per week for 6 weeks?

Are they getting enough sleep and exercise? healthy diets? limited gaming? I used to confiscate the controller sometimes, and it reached the point where if he was really struggling with motivation, my son would hand me the controller and ask me to hide it.

I am not saying spare the stick, I am just saying try to go at it from the angle, hey, we are all on the same side here, we all want you to succeed and and lead on to an adult life with real choices in it, what is the best way we can get you there - with carrot and stick