I just had my first "I hate you"

Mars27 · 2023-02-23T14:20:04+00:00

Well, pretty much that. DS is 13 and having a sick day at home due to long term condition. Instead of playing some nice story mode game on Xbox he plays FIFA and gets stressed beyond belief if he loses. He started getting angry at everything and I told him to stop and take a breather. He stormed off saying I hate you and is now sulking in his bedroom. Don't know whether to laugh or cry tbh but I need a hand hold as it was very hurtful to hear that for the first (and what I hope to be the last) time. I'll talk to him again when he's calmer but for now it hurts :(

TightFistedWozerk · 23/02/2023 14:26

It really does hurt, doesn't it.

This is sort of the beginning of the tempestuous teen years, brace yourself. Read www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-My-Life-First/dp/B004XZXPOQ this book, stock up on chocolate and grit your teeth.

I will say that not every teen is awful, one of mine seriously could not be arsed with all that bobbins having seen the elder two rail against the whole world and so that one just drifted into adulthood painlessly. TFFT!

Original poster

Mars27 · 23/02/2023 14:29

Thanks for the recommendation, I was actually looking into getting a few books because I really need some extra info on how to deal with that.

So glad your third one didn't give you any trouble. Were your eldest two handfuls?

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DoorstoManual · 23/02/2023 14:32

The first time I got this, I replied, oh that is a shame, because I love you.

Here when you need an ear.

Totally took the wind out of his sails.

TaraRhu · 23/02/2023 14:35

My son is 4 and has already told me he hates me. God knows what the teenage him will say! It does hurt.

TightFistedWozerk · 23/02/2023 14:35

Oldest two were handfuls, yep. Sullen, sulky, rude, petulant, tried really hard to cock up their GCSEs but too smart, or not smart enough, to actually cock them up. A level years were smoother then the move to Uni was transformative, for both of them. Both in work, living near their jobs. They are super young adults, great company, funny, kind. The youngest one took their time in deciding life path after school, worked in various establishments before deciding upon serious academia (I don't think they will ever leave Uni!!!)

TightFistedWozerk · 23/02/2023 14:36

But yeah, those years were hard. I ate a lot of chocolate.

Original poster

Mars27 · 23/02/2023 14:38

DoorstoManual · 23/02/2023 14:32

The first time I got this, I replied, oh that is a shame, because I love you.

Here when you need an ear.

Totally took the wind out of his sails.

Oh but I did this. I went to his room, opened the door and said "So you hate me? Well, I don't, I love you very much". He's quiet now, listening to his vinyls. I'm sure once he emerges from his bedroom he will apologise but it hurts all the same

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Original poster

Mars27 · 23/02/2023 14:48

TightFistedWozerk · 23/02/2023 14:35

Oldest two were handfuls, yep. Sullen, sulky, rude, petulant, tried really hard to cock up their GCSEs but too smart, or not smart enough, to actually cock them up. A level years were smoother then the move to Uni was transformative, for both of them. Both in work, living near their jobs. They are super young adults, great company, funny, kind. The youngest one took their time in deciding life path after school, worked in various establishments before deciding upon serious academia (I don't think they will ever leave Uni!!!)

Your kids seem lovey, well adjusted adults, well done ☺️

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Choconut · 23/02/2023 15:14

Oh god, you can't take anything kids say personally, it's not fair on them and it's not fair on you if you do! Be secure in your role as a good parent, be confident that they love you no matter what they say and stay calm, consistent and loving. They'll grow out of it at some point!

Gwen82 · 23/02/2023 15:15

I would have called him back and calmly asked him to repeat.

I then would have given him opportunity to apologise for being so rude and hurtful

and if he didn’t… no more Xbox for the rest of the day

Aquamarine1029 · 23/02/2023 15:16

You need to have a chat with him about how words can deeply hurt someone, and once they come out of your mouth, there is no taking them back.

Mindthegapagain778 · 23/02/2023 15:17

The main thing is not to take it personally op. It’s a developmental stage. “I hate you” means “I need you to back off and give me space”. His pre-frontal cortex hasn’t fully formed yet. He can’t fully comprehend the hurt it causes you when he says something like that.

Sulking in his bedroom is perfectly normal and illustrates perfectly the twixt and between nature of adolescence as he knows he isn’t capable yet of surviving alone in the world but he wants to separate himself off from his family: so staying cut off in his bedroom is the perfect safe level of separation for now.

In order to develop in to an independent adult he first needs to reject you and your values. Don’t worry; it’s a phase and he will come back when his brain has stopped going through this current stage of plasticity and forms properly around 25 years or so.

If he has a long term condition then he may be more dependent on you than he would like, and be even more frustrated and rejecting of you, so take this in to account and give him as much independence as possible.

As far as his condition allows, try to resist the strongest of your motherly instincts and encourage him to wake himself up in the morning, monitor his own self care, take responsibility for his homework, and for keeping his bedroom clean, making his bed and eventually doing his own washing, cooking and earning of money. This not only turns a teen boy in to a very self sufficient young man who isn’t as frustrated as he might be, it gives him confidence as you send the strong message that you trust his decision-making and you trust him to follow through.

In summary: listen carefully to the emotion behind the words and not the words themselves or answer as Doorstomanual described. Humour always helps!

You are at the start of the long marathon of adolescence op. It can be very draining emotionally and in order to survive, make sure sure you really take on board and embrace the idea that self care = caring for your dc. When you do things you enjoy that give you peace and headspace:

your teens will benefit from a mother who is relaxed and happy.
you will have modelled to them how to enjoy and make the most of life.

So step back a bit. Keep the lines of communication open but give him the space he needs. From now on you will be walking a tightrope of how much to back off and how much to intervene! It’s not easy!

Please forgive the essay but I wish I had known all of this at the beginning! I didn’t and I made a load of mistakes and got really run down mentally. We are through the worst now thank heavens now my two are 19 and 23 and they are lovely again!
😀😀

Good luck!

Mindthegapagain778 · 23/02/2023 15:26

Choconut · 23/02/2023 15:14

Oh god, you can't take anything kids say personally, it's not fair on them and it's not fair on you if you do! Be secure in your role as a good parent, be confident that they love you no matter what they say and stay calm, consistent and loving. They'll grow out of it at some point!

^^ This is such good advice and I also wish I had known this!

I started doubting my own parenting skills when my dc kicked back. They didn’t do anything particularly extreme, just the usual adolescent stuff, but it made me very insecure about my abilities as a parent, which they picked up on, and it became a negative cycle.

Looking back. I wish I had been calmer and more confident in my own role and trusted the process as it were and that I had engaged in fewer silly disputes about tidy bedrooms but hindsight is a wonderful thing! 😃

Londono · 23/02/2023 15:36

I also reply, 'well I love you' when my DS has said that. I do expect an apology when they calm down though.

Original poster

Mars27 · 23/02/2023 17:06

Mindthegapagain778 · 23/02/2023 15:17

The main thing is not to take it personally op. It’s a developmental stage. “I hate you” means “I need you to back off and give me space”. His pre-frontal cortex hasn’t fully formed yet. He can’t fully comprehend the hurt it causes you when he says something like that.

Sulking in his bedroom is perfectly normal and illustrates perfectly the twixt and between nature of adolescence as he knows he isn’t capable yet of surviving alone in the world but he wants to separate himself off from his family: so staying cut off in his bedroom is the perfect safe level of separation for now.

In order to develop in to an independent adult he first needs to reject you and your values. Don’t worry; it’s a phase and he will come back when his brain has stopped going through this current stage of plasticity and forms properly around 25 years or so.

If he has a long term condition then he may be more dependent on you than he would like, and be even more frustrated and rejecting of you, so take this in to account and give him as much independence as possible.

As far as his condition allows, try to resist the strongest of your motherly instincts and encourage him to wake himself up in the morning, monitor his own self care, take responsibility for his homework, and for keeping his bedroom clean, making his bed and eventually doing his own washing, cooking and earning of money. This not only turns a teen boy in to a very self sufficient young man who isn’t as frustrated as he might be, it gives him confidence as you send the strong message that you trust his decision-making and you trust him to follow through.

In summary: listen carefully to the emotion behind the words and not the words themselves or answer as Doorstomanual described. Humour always helps!

You are at the start of the long marathon of adolescence op. It can be very draining emotionally and in order to survive, make sure sure you really take on board and embrace the idea that self care = caring for your dc. When you do things you enjoy that give you peace and headspace:

your teens will benefit from a mother who is relaxed and happy.
you will have modelled to them how to enjoy and make the most of life.

So step back a bit. Keep the lines of communication open but give him the space he needs. From now on you will be walking a tightrope of how much to back off and how much to intervene! It’s not easy!

Please forgive the essay but I wish I had known all of this at the beginning! I didn’t and I made a load of mistakes and got really run down mentally. We are through the worst now thank heavens now my two are 19 and 23 and they are lovely again!
😀😀

Good luck!

That's a very thoughtful post, thank you so much 😊

OP posts:

Original poster

Mars27 · 24/02/2023 10:53

He eventually came out of his bedroom yesterday and apologised, said it was really stupid of him saying that and that he doesn't hate me at all.

But then we had an illuminating conversation. He was wants a little more freedom and also wants to be left alone sometimes. On the other hand I explained to him that I was finding a little difficult to let go of his childhood. His childhood was incredible in the sense that we did everything that needed to be done but we also had fun, I loved playing with him, I really did. But it is what it is, he's growing and I have to learn because time doesn't stop for anyone.

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Gwen82 · 24/02/2023 11:21

Mars27 · 24/02/2023 10:53

He eventually came out of his bedroom yesterday and apologised, said it was really stupid of him saying that and that he doesn't hate me at all.

But then we had an illuminating conversation. He was wants a little more freedom and also wants to be left alone sometimes. On the other hand I explained to him that I was finding a little difficult to let go of his childhood. His childhood was incredible in the sense that we did everything that needed to be done but we also had fun, I loved playing with him, I really did. But it is what it is, he's growing and I have to learn because time doesn't stop for anyone.

What’s your life like OP? Work? Friends? Hobbies? Perhaps now is the time to focus more on this a little?

is your son happy at school? Friends? Hobbies?

is it just the two of you?

MrsSkylerWhite · 24/02/2023 11:23

Seriously impressed that it took until 13. You are clearly a mega parent 😄

BreviloquentBastard · 24/02/2023 11:30

That's quite a grown up and mature conversation for a 13 year old, and very good that he apologised of his own initiative. He sounds a goodun OP, I wouldn't worry too much, you seem to be on a good path with him.

It is hard to watch them grow up. My DD is 15 and went to a party all made up the other day and I had a bit of a cry because she's so close to being an adult and spreading her wings. I miss her being little! But I'm so excited to see who she becomes.

Original poster

Mars27 · 24/02/2023 18:41

@Gwen82
No, I'm still married and DH is v involved in DS life too. I agree that I need to create some interests outside work and maybe stop focusing on him and the 3 of us so much but I'm partially deaf and social scenarios are a nightmare, so the idea of socialising fills me with dread as I can't hear anything properly, lol!
But I'll get there, it's a continuous growth for both of us.
Thanks everyone 😊

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