Compulsive lying

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Our 12yo DD has always found friendships very difficult, she spent primary school flitting between groups and never really finding true friends. Secondary school coincided with us relocating so she had a fresh start. For the past 6 months she’s become much less bubbly and happy, and constantly tells lies that are so easy to find out the truth of. It’s like lying comes as second nature to her, I watch her say then without even blinking.

They were all small lies until last night I discovered she’s told her new group of secondary school friends that she’s got an older brother. She’s even had the audacity to suggest ‘he’ goes to the same school as them in an older year. I have no idea how she thought she’d sustain this lie. We confronted her about it and although she was clearly anxious she didn’t show much remorse and just shrugged a lot when we asked her about it. We also discovered that she’s lied about where she went on holiday lately, who she’s spent time with at the weekends and about things she owns.

We are a very open, loving and close family who spend a fair amount of quality time together, she has a younger sister that she’s close to and we have a very comfortable life.

Has anyone else had children tell lies of this magnitude? I’m concerned that there’s likely more lies that we don’t know about. I’m seriously considering contacting a therapist about it as surely this isn’t normal. Help!

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences! I’m so sorry you and your DD have gone through this too.

She is in yr7 yes, I thought I’d prepared myself for helping her through this start to secondary school but I feel like I’ve really dropped the ball and she’s the one suffering.

Thank you again for the advice and support. I barely slept last night with worry for her, but it’s quite reassuring to hear she’s not alone in acting this way - I’m looking forward to these consultations with therapists now, feel like it’s the right thing to do and just giving her some space and time with someone just for her could be beneficial.

Op if you haven’t already got it, order a copy of Untangled by Lisa Damour. It’s very American in context but if I remember correctly she has quite a lot of helpful things to say about highly academic girls who put a lot of pressure on themselves.

I’ve just seen that Lisa Damour has written a second book about teen girls too called ‘Under Pressure, Confronting the epidemic of stress and anxiety in teenage girls’ so maybe pick up both op?

A lot of useful podcasts too by Lisa Damour
drlisadamour.com/resources/podcast/

@Mindthegapagain778 thank you! Have just ordered it. I can only imagine how exhausting it must be to constantly be putting pressure on yourself like that.

Op I did this, I was trying to make friends, wanted to mirror other people I think. I've finally had an asd diagnosis. It's exhausting as you have to keep up with the lie and once you start you can't get out of it.

There was nothing malicious in what I did and I certainly didn't get a buzz out of it.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I can only imagine how exhausting and stressful it must have been for you ❤️ Have had call backs from a couple of therapists this afternoon so am hoping some support will help her.

Thank you!

I felt I should respond even though you have had some fantastic advice already because I was so like this as well at this age. My DF died when I was 6 so I think I was compensating in some way. I also made up and older DB even though I had one I pretended to have 2 for some reason. Also that we had foreign holidays when we didn't. It was so familiar I really felt I should respond . I did seem to just grow out of it after a couple of really embarrassing reveals .So much so that as an adult I am truthful to a fault . I'm sure your DD will as well . You could explain that it can be very embarrassing especially when a friend's parent said enjoy Portugal to my long suffering DM ! Cringe !

I’m sorry to hear about your loss at such a young age.

Eek! I can imagine how embarrassing that would have been! I felt myself cringe for my DD when a few of the lies emerged yesterday and could see her cringing too!

How did you discover the lies Op?

today will have been very difficult for her if her classmates have found out too, so I’d be gentle tonight because she’ll probably be very down

Hi OP reading this with interest as I actually did something worse than your daughter at 12 - exactly same age!

When I was 12, I told my school 'friends' that I'd had sex with the 13 year old boy in school I had a crush on. This was a complete lie - the only contact I'd ever had with this boy was a few random sentences said to each other when we were in the same art club. I doubt whether he even knew my name! My friends appeared to believe me but then one day both of them said they didn't believe me and needed 'proof' - photos/letters etc. I brought to school a childhood photo of a boy who looked slightly similar but wasn't him (!) and a fake postcard with fake writing I'd been practicing. They seemed to believe me 'a bit more' then !!

Looking back the reason I did this was ingrained low self esteem due to very unfair criticism by my mum from about 4 years of age. Also I was unattractive due to being fat and having a bad haircut so j thought no boy would 'really' ever be attracted to me. The other reason was my friends found out I had a crush on him and I'm a secretive person and didn't want them to find out.

What was worrying was that I hadn't intended to lie like this - I was kind of steered into it. What was true was that both me and his fathers both knew each other by virtue of being broadly in the same occupational field. When I told me friends this true fact - I asked my dad if he recognised his dad's name and he answered in the affirmative - this somehow - and I can't remember exactly how - mutated into a complete lie that I'd had sex with him. I think this is more worrying than if I'd specifically planned to say a lie as it just shows how easily I can be steered off course into very difficult territory. Whereas if I'd planned to say the lie - I'd be in very 'difficult territory' as well but at least I'd have been in control rather than easily 'steered' - and I'd learn my lesson not to do it again.

As time went on I don't think my friends believed me and I think they probably told their parents - but they didn't call me out on it as they probably though that would be more likely to draw attention to the whole thing and increase the chances that an innocent 13 year old boy would be unnecessarily drawn into it. Whereas if they just tactfully minimised the whole thing would be least said soonest mended. As fair as I know the boy never found out and I'm glad about that.
I think even the school teachers knew about it and decided to play it down as they would know it was a fantasy - I say this cos one of friends' mums was a teacher in the same school. The parents of the girls probably encouraged playing it down as they'd no doubt see this happen before when they were at school.
The following year when I was 13 I lost a lot of weight so felt much more confident/independent so wouldn't have had to do this. Your DD will be fine, OP, just continue giving emotional support.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. That must have been a very stressful time for you.

It’s scary how quickly we can get ourselves wrapped up in lies and how fast they can mutate.

We spent all of yesterday evening talking with her, having hugs, a lot of tears, talking about her insecurities and other smaller issues she’s having that are clearly building in to something bigger. Ultimately I think this lie (and others she have told) are the product of some deeper issues to do with self esteem and potentially something like ADHD, we have contacted some agencies that can help us now as I think extra support for her can only be a good thing.

You're welcome OP - this is a story I could relate to! Your daughter's environment sounds different from mine though as my mother was an abusive, emotionally distant alcoholic whereas you sound very supportive and emotionally engaged with your daughter and you've not mentioned that she's ever suffered abuse from any source. The other objective thing that's different is that I was in a school group I'd always been with ever since the age of 3 - nursery school - but your daughter's in a brand new environment. With hindsight I feel it would've been better for me to have done what your daughter did and move to a brand new environment - but that's the subject of a whole other thread!
I was also an only child - in contrast to your daughter.
As I said I I think the teachers found out about this 'cos one of my 'friends' mothers was a teacher in my school. I even suspect it might have reached the ears of the headmaster - one of our morning assemblies was once in the subject of the dangers of lust! You see with hindsight, looking back at the situation, the teachers couldn't have had a go at me about it directly as the alleged 'incident' took place outside school and also they would've been almost 100% sure it was a lie anyway and they didn't want to embarrass an innocent 13/14 yr old boy because of something said by a 12 year old fantasist!! So maybe that was the reason for the oblique reference in assembly rather than addressing it with me directly. Maybe. Will never know for sure.
Also, my mum read my diary despite saying she wouldn't and found out all about these lies - I came back from school one afternoon and she was in a foul mood - she mentioned something she'd read in my diary and said in a very accusatory tone "is it a fantasy?" So when j embarrassingly admitted "yes" she said "there's something wrong with you - you live in a world of fantasy!" But I mean - would she have felt happier if I'd said "no! It's not a fantasy it's true? I mean ffs!!!"
That evening was a bit strange as well - the cleaner's daughter - who at the time must've been roughly 18 came round to our house to spend the evening - ostensibly for my mum to give her some help with biology A level - my mum had a science career - so all sounds plausible on the face of it. But then this girl (well 17/18 year old so girl/woman - you know what I mean) came in an sat with me for a bit. She didn't mention anything about the 'diary' incident - we just had a nice, laid back chat about TV, etc. This was a bit odd because at 18 or so - this would be way out of the age range of a 13 year old as I was then - so it's not as though we were 'friends' in the proper sense. Now I don't know if this was a coincidence and all this 'evening guest' stuff happened genuinely or whether it had been contrived. Thing is the cleaner was there that day in the morning and would've been likely to have been there when my mum read my diary. I'm an only child and the cleaner had 6 kids all clustered around my age iyswim so maybe the cleaner and my mum decided that it would be good for me to have someone close to my age to speak to when this embarrassing situation unfolded - the cleaner having had much more experience with teenagers. Being an only child is fine when things are fine but the time it gets difficult is in situations like this - especially difficult since it's the first time the parent would have had to deal with it too - no older siblings to pave the way. I really appreciated having the 18 year old to talk to - I tell you that. That's the time when being an only child gets lonely. I can see how they say a sibling can act as a buffer.
To be fair. my mum didn't mention this episode at all again and I thought she'd be throwing it all in my face constantly! Also, my dad didn't say anything about it either - and I thought he'd be angry with me. He was away at the time with work and came back a few days later. - but didn't mention anything. The next week I took my diaries down to my grandparents' house out in the sticks and hid them !

But within about a month of this diary incident - I started to lose eight and in June that particular year (diary incident was in Feb) - I'd gone from a fat child - which I'd been since aged 6 - to a perfectly normal weight kid. I felt much happier/more confident. Don't get me wrong - my life was far from perfect - my mother had been abusive and had had a drink problem - that wouldn't vanish into thin air - but my fatness was one major thing that had damaged my self esteem in the past that had now gone. So it was potentially the start of a brand new beginning.
The only thing one might say that was bad about this situation is with my school friends etc not addressing it directly with me - perhaps some might say I was allowed to get away with it. But then at least an innocent boy wasn't embarrassed. Aargh. I dunno. You can't please all the people all the time - something's gotta give.

I told massive lies at this age. New school, invented story I had a brother who had died in a car crash. To be more interesting I suppose. I thought no more of it until some years later a school friend’s brother died in a car crash and her mum reached out to mine. I was horrified. I don’t think I had MH issues at the time, and other than mild anxiety I don’t now. The lying was probably driven by low self esteem but didn’t last. It would have been worse I think if my parents had known at the time and/or drawn attention to it. By the time they found out it was a phase long past.

Thank you for sharing your experiences. That must have been such a shock to deal with years down the line!

I actually remember a girl I went to school with making up a sibling who had died when we were 13/14. Just was found out very quickly and it was pretty horrendous at the time, although I will say by the time we’d done our GCSEs a couple of years later everyone seemed to have forgotten!

Shows how often it must happen.