DD 17 doesn’ like her dad.

[Moomoola]

17 DD ran off with her trans partner also 17 (whose taking hormones) after announcing she was trans.
I posted when it first happened and got a lot of support here, so thank you.

we are obviously devastated. DP upset, he’s seen her once in 2 months. We initially thought it was to do with being trans - there are a lot of videos encouraging young people to leave home and live with a ‘glitter’ family, and she texted us because we are evil transphobes. I think that’s part of it.

l do have some contact and have been sending love. it turns out her relationship with DPis part of the problem too. DP can be controlling and he’s had a very rough time. My brother, who has his own issues, said he didn’t like DP either to her.
obviously this is a bit of a bombshell on top of what was a massive rift. I feel like my life has been turned upside down and shaken. DP still thinks she is in a coercive relationship ( she may be). Don’t know what to say or do. It’s changing how I see DP. Don’t know what to do re son.
Flummoxed! Not sure whether here or relationships is right.
just hoping for some calming views I guess. Thanks.

You say your DP can be controlling - what do you mean by this?

And you also say that this is changing how you see your DP - in what way? Are there specific things he's done that you now see in a new light?

The trans thing feel like a red herring here - the question is about your DP and his behaviours. Your DD and brother are obviously seeing a problem, but it's not clear whether they might have a point.

From your previous threads @Moomoola I'd just be a little bit cautious that this isn't something in a game plan of your dd and her partner and their family 'just to fuck with your head' as the kids say.
'Leave dad/kick dad out, and I'll re-engage and move back in.
What is the relationship between him and your son like?

What do you mean by controlling? Who thinks DP is controlling?

I’ve seen teenagers go to cahms about and controlling parents raised as one of the issues by the teenagers and for cahms to say parents are enforcing appropriate boundaries and the teenager just needs to accept this.

Hi @Moomoola
I have been following all your threads and you have my sympathies.
What a nightmare for all of you!
There is no guarantee your DD will come back home if you leave your husband,
Also she is close to being 18 so even if things go back to happy days she will most likely be off to uni and live her own life.
I know things are awful at home and emotionally charged. Even without her saying she doesnt like your DP, you both have enough going on to make a marriage end.
My advice would be to play it down and not make any hasty decisions.
Do what you are doing? communicating and sending love.
Can you talk to your DP about this news and do you think he will take it well?
He may be be jolted and this may be the spur he needs to try and change his tune with her.
I have some minor issues at home with DD and DH compared to you and my DH is now paying attention to how crucial the teen years are and how important it is to stay supportive.

Oh you are all wonderful, thank you. I’m sorry to be so needy, just been thrown a loop.
looking she said it’s like walking on eggshells as he may be nice or grumpy. She doesn’t like the way he gets me to make dinner etc. but he has mega stressful job and long commute, I have very part time job, so that’s how it kindof works. He does get very tired and anxious, which I’ve been told leads to controlling what you can control. but he’s lucky to be alive after massive illness.

michelle thanks, I hadn’t thought of that. I am sure the mum and partner is exacerbating stuff. - the video shared before by banter explains what could be happening . He seems to get on fine with son - though son is a computery teen so who knows!

spring thankyou. When we met the mum she said ‘how did she know we were responsible enough for her to send DD home? ‘ she also suggested seeing DD with a third party, accused us of deadnaming dd and suggested taking her to a GID, like Tavistock.
when DD got to there house initially I called the mum who said DD was crying and calling childline. She seemed fine before she left. I think if you’ve given your child hormones you may feel a bit odd - as explained in the video above.
thanks cahms! Someone is talking sense. DD has applied to see them so fingers crossed. Was/ am concerned they will be affirming.

darkchochoc thank you. That’s very reassuring. I don’t know whether to mention it to DH. He will be utterly devastated and he is already looking like death.
she told me this when I asked if she was coming away at Easter. She said no, and told me this when pressed. Also not at all sure why the mum isn’t encouraging her home. She just said she didn’t want to be involved. Goodness knows what dd has said.

thank you for your patience in following this long story as I jum around on different Threads! You are all so kind and are helping me stay grounded.
I guess you are right to just hang fire, I’m trying not to see DH through newly critical eyes, poor chap.

aghh! Better get on!

I wss gonna say this too. What is it she doesn't like? Trans or not she can still feel how she wants about her dad.

You've kind of avoided my question: You say your DP can be controlling - what do you mean by this?

You're making oblique references to getting "very tired and anxious", which "leads to controlling what you can control". What does this mean? In what ways does he exhibit controlling behaviour?

It is possible that she is just lashing out, being unreasonable. Or it is also possible that she has a valid point and you are minimising your DP's controlling behaviour. It's impossible to tell which is the case from your post.

"she said it’s like walking on eggshells"

If this is true (and it's not clear from your post whether it is), then she has a valid point. Making people nervous around you is a way of controlling their behaviour.

From ops previous threads (sorry @Moomoola) the walking on eggshells is something that the dd has been making the family do, I'm wondering if as per last thread the hold the partner and their family have over dd, and like in many dv cases this is when they are recognising this and going nuclear and are intent on destroying your family?

Thanks all, I guess like everything, it’s complicated. Yes michellescarn I hadn’t thought of that but I’d rather think it’s the other family than DH. I’m wondering if they’ve or the partner has encouraged a little crack in her relationship with us to expand Add a few teen hormones and a lot of trans idealism and Kerpow.
we took DS to family therapy. DH sceptical, DS muttered, ‘ I dunno’. Not easy when you have both parents there. He seemed to think he was fine. I hope so. I’m so scared of everything breaking up and losing him and then DH.
I keep thinking, as long as she’s happy, but then I’m reminded how she left, the nasty texts to us, the awful creepy and very cleverly persuasive crap peddled on social.

Hi OP. I've followed your previous threads, and maybe some specifics about your DH would help clarify.

He's done a lot of screaming and demanded you quit your job to try and force your child home,

He flips out and talks about going over there to drag her back, and the next moment tells you not to text her and freeze her out.

I truly believe you have a DH problem more than anything else. Perhaps it's easier to tell yourself that your child is being dramatic or saying it to hurt you.. but two of the closest people to you have said they don't like your husband. That bears listening to, because I doubt they're the only ones.

If a friend told me her husband was like yours, I know what I'd say.

OK, this explains a lot.

OP - if the above is true, then you are really minimising his part in this, and the impact of his behaviour on your DD.

Thanks, it’s not really true, how it’s been presented.
‘ He's done a lot of screaming and demanded you quit your job to try and force your child home,

He flips out and talks about going over there to drag her back, and the next moment tells you not to text her and freeze her out. ‘

maybe the language is very dramatic, he hasn’t been screaming, but he has been puzzling over and over how to get her back.
. He’s been reading obsessively to try and understand, he has a very stressful and difficult job so he’d asked me to stop mine for a while as there was too much going on for the stress of a busy house on top of that. It does also pay minimum wage, so it sort of made sense for me to do the diy instead of paying someone double or triple what I earn to do what I could do.
he does just want to ‘fix’ it and get her home, apparently this is a man thing where’s women are more empathetic.
DD mentioned more that he can seem disinterested. I’ve mentioned that to him before and he says he is listening, and thinking of what to say.
im sure I’m at fault as well.
if there are any tips to build a relationship with computer loving son, that would be good. I am swimming around at the moment.

DH also suggested taking DD anywhere somewhere abroad so she’d have other things to think about.( she seems to have given up on school mainly) I’d love to! But of course that would massively affect DS who is at school.
Blurgh.

He’s been reading obsessively to try and understand, he has a very stressful and difficult job so he’d asked me to stop mine for a while as there was too much going on for the stress of a busy house on top of that. It does also pay minimum wage, so it sort of made sense for me to do the diy instead of paying someone double or triple what I earn to do what I could do.
he does just want to ‘fix’ it and get her home, apparently this is a man thing where’s women are more empathetic.

sympathy OP, i've been reading your threads.

I think you have 2 issues as others said, DH and your home life and your DC who has left.

Even if the comments from your DC who isn't at home are trying to manipulate you (into what? leaving him, or kicking him out? before they will come home) perhaps it is time to look at your relationship and your home life. Your DS lives there too, it needs to be a nice welcoming place for all of you. DH included.

I must admit my heart sank when i read you'd given up your job. Few hours for not much money, how much practical difference does it make? It must have, even for a few hours, been good for you to be in a completely different "world". And your DH whinging on about what you have or haven't done? Nope.

So in your shoes I'd try to work out how you want that home-life to look, from your, your DH and your DS's perspectives. Then also see how it looks from your DC who doesn't live with you's perspective. Is it welcoming? Are any of you happy? How about your DH tries to get a less stressful job and you find a job with more hours/money to make up the shortfall? Individual therapy, especially for you and your DS seems more effective to me, at least to start with.

Thank you brefugee that makes a lot of sense.
I did like the different ‘world’ and feeling like I’m earning.
I will get some paper and do a bit of thinking. Dh does get stressed, but last week had a great idea at work so I think he likes it too. Lots of thinking to do!
in other news DD has agreed to fit me in for Sunday. But x wanted to come too.
either I’ve suddenly become acceptable since they met my brother ( who took them to a trans pub! Lots of 50 year old blokes called sally. He said their eyes nearly popped out!) or x doesn’t want dd to meet me alone ( which hadn’t dawned on me)
so..another question! Maybe I cancel, maybe I see x. Will find it hard to be nicey nicey after they caused so much distress.
Thanks, sorry to be quite so indecisive about everything. Unchartered waters!

Just to say I saw DD! And X! It seemed to go ok, even got a text off DD later.
!!!!!! Had to eat a LOT of chocolate when I got home.
I’m seriously looking at how to make home funner.
Now to get DD to meet DH.
but I’m soo pleased with today.
thank you all A LOT for your support.
im surprisingly knackered!

very glad you met up with them. I would go very slowly and gently and let your DC lead the way (sorry, i feel uncomfortable saying DD but i realise that for you DS is your natal-son)

I would leave them meeting up with DH until they are comfortable suggesting it.

And don't forget in all this to look after yourself. Try to do one tiny thing every day just for you.

OP

Separate from everything (although not quite...) get your / a job back (please).

Thank you brefugee sorry to make you feel uncomfortable, I’m just calling them DD and DS to keep things simple! I will refer to DD however she chooses in RL.
that’s a good tip, DH is definitely giving off frustrated vibes, but realises we are having a tough time.
I am trying a lot harder to look after me!
Thanks Seul I hear you. At the moment I am carving time out to focus on my neglected Etsy shop, and do the house up. And stop DH stressing. I will definitely go back to work though.
I think I need to reevaluate my life and where it’s going. ( scary).
so nice to hear from you as I’m looking at messy kitchen.

Just overheard DH telling his mum he could work at my place too and if we both bought in minimum wage we’d just scrape by, while he sets up something else less stressful than current role.
also wonder if he gets over stressed at current role, he has far too much work, but surely you tell managers to sort out what’s the priority?
got a nice text off DD!!!!!!!
hoping to keep that going
thank you very much for your help. Love mumsnet!

Best of luck @Moomoola !
On a lighter note thinking of doing house up here and overwhelmed just thinking about it...wishing you all the best with it!!

Thank you brefugee sorry to make you feel uncomfortable, I’m just calling them DD and DS to keep things simple! I will refer to DD however she chooses in RL.

sorry that wasn't a criticism of you. I realise it's much easier for the purposes of your thread to do that.

your updates sound more positive. Low-key seems to be the way forward

Thanks seul good luck! I just make more mess🙄
thanks brefuggee I didn’t think it was a criticism of me, I didn’t want it to be offensive to you! Oh what a muddle.
thank you, low key feels right. Poor DH still hasn’t seen her tho.