Do you tell them how horrid they are

[vestanesta]

I have 2 13 year olds. One is a bit surly and does no chores but is generally ok.

The other is a nightmare. She is rude, confrontational, arrogant and antagonistic. Nothing is ever her fault.

She is also loving, funny, clever and affectionate. She is a bit insecure and I know this is the source of her shitty behaviour so most of the time I take it in my stride, praise the good ignore the bad etc.

However just sometimes it's too much. I have a number of other stresses and she makes me just not want to be around her. She riled my mother (to whom she is usually close) to proper anger yesterday. She and her dad are constantly rowing. She strops at everything, bullies her twin then switches back to being lovely in seconds. It's just exhausting.

So my question is do you tell them what shits they are and how much they are impacting you, the family etc. or does that make it worse if there is some insecurity/anxiety behind these behaviours.

Like I say most of the time I ride it out but yesterday she wreaked my much needed day off and I'm cross.

Sometimes yes.
It’s usually DH that has a word. If I do it’s usually seen as ‘just Mum’ But he is a DS not a DD

Thanks @Swimswam

She gets on way worse with dh than me. They are like cat and dog so I think she'll
listen to me more. But she is 100% confident she is right and never does anything wrong that even if I do say something it will end up in a row. I genuinely don't think she'll care that she's upsetting us even me because in her head it's not her problem it's ours.

I dream of the toddler years!

Ooh me too about the toddler years. Feel so nostalgic often

I used to be a right bitch when I was a teenager and my mum made me very aware of it, if I said something completely out of order she would repeat it but change to phrasing so it would relate to me i.e. I called my sister fat and spotty and she cried then told my mum to which she came into my room and asked me if I really though the high waisted jeans and make up were really hiding anything because muffin tops and poorly covered spots are worse. It just made me more aware that words hurt. Needless to say it was not a fun time in the house between 13-15 many arguments. I’m not saying to do the same every single time because it very quickly just turned into everyone calling me fat and lazy with no provocation even when I was trying my hardest to be nice, being mean to me was a preset thing but that’s a long topic that I don’t have the energy for nor is it relevant.

A few times it was very effective in making me realise how much power words have and I would hold my tail between my legs and apologise.

I call out horrid behavior, certainly.
my ds is 16, but with adhd he's emotionally and socially about 13. it's hard for him, definitely, but he needs to know what is unacceptable and what is.

We talk about regulating our emotions, gaslighting, and all the behaviors. I make sure he's aware of what's he's doing, and I try my best to step away from being dragged into any arguments or drama he might instigate.

Not always successful, but we try.
Good luck. teenagers can be vile creatures. 😫

Yes definitely name the behaviour but try not yo attach it as a label of theirs eg that comment was very arrogant, not you are arrogant.

What is she like at school op?

it concerning that she upset her grandmother so much. My teen is a pain to me but absolutely not to other adults

One is a bit surly and does no chores but is generally ok.

and I wouldn’t let this go I noticed either. Does no chores? That’s not on

Yes, I explain(ed) the impact of the behaviour but didn't say 'you're xyz'.

I found asking them to be fair or reasonable worked well. I would say 'I don't think you're being fair' which could start a discussion.

I also always reserve the right to remove myself and not engage until the tone is acceptable, I'm not an emotional punch bag.

My 15 year old is fine with me but not very nice to her Dad or brother I call her out on it and say its not nice way to speak to people. My husband gets upset. I was like it to my Mum at that age but no one else.

I will definitely say if either of mine are being unkind especially to each other as I hate hearing it and really want them to be close as they become adults.

Thank you all.

Re the no chores, she does some of course! Just has to be nagged into it whereas her sister does it off her own bat.

She is a delight at school and with her friends. My mum always used to be a 'safe space' so I think she just didn't reign the worst of herself. She (my mum) is trying to talk/make up with her today as my mum did go a bit ott but I don't fancy her chances tbh. When I tried to talk calmly about why grandma lost her temper all I got was that my mum was out of order and she did nothing.

I think naming the behaviour rather than her is a good plan.

It is exhausting- yesterday she stropped off because I was too tired to help her with a pet related chore. I have a horrid cough I can't shift and hadn't slept so I asked her if I could have a cup of tea and do it in 30 mins. Flounced out of the room then 45 mins later was sprawled across me watching masked singer.

She riled my mother (to whom she is usually close) to proper anger yesterday.

what happened?

and she bullies her twin? That needs to be addressed as a matter of priority