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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Fairly sure dd is high

19 replies

bluetakkis · 17/02/2023 23:30

Dd is struggling (14)

She's generally in good form at home
Has a bf who seems to be a good calming influence
She has a group of friends that seem preoccupied with drink and weed. I'm fairly sure that right now she's high.

I'm at a loss as to what to do with this kid. Her behaviour is trauma based, she won't let anyone help her. These friends are the best thing since sliced bread apparently.

Any advice how I steer her back on the right path? She's not attending classes but does attend school for the social aspect. And drugs it would seem 😢

OP posts:

Cassie9032 · 17/02/2023 23:36

Need to try and nip this in the bud now for sure. Try grounding her for a bit so she can't access weed and give her a serious talking to? Surely she's not smoking weed at school? If this is true speak to the school and tell them.

Johnnysgirl · 17/02/2023 23:37

She's not attending classes but does attend school for the social aspect
How does that work?

Hawkins003 · 17/02/2023 23:44

Sometimes they have do find their way or realise themselves that they need to improve, otherwise it's a risk you could further push each other apart

Original poster

bluetakkis · 17/02/2023 23:47

@Johnnysgirl I get her to school every day but when she's there she goes to zero classes. I wasn't informed of this until weeks in, she just wanders around, with friends or alone. It's awful.

OP posts:

Original poster

bluetakkis · 17/02/2023 23:49

I'm considering just pulling her out of school altogether as she's not gaining a single thing from going. The devil is making work for idle thumbs. I work full time and on my own though, so no mean feat. I could maybe negotiate WAH for a while. It's such a juggling act.

OP posts:

Johnnysgirl · 17/02/2023 23:51

bluetakkis · 17/02/2023 23:47

@Johnnysgirl I get her to school every day but when she's there she goes to zero classes. I wasn't informed of this until weeks in, she just wanders around, with friends or alone. It's awful.

Change schools . That sounds beyond ridiculous.

HadEnoughOfBears · 18/02/2023 00:03

bluetakkis · 17/02/2023 23:49

Don't pull her out. Unless you can immediately get her into another school. Honestly. I've been you, Routine however stressful for you is required. Keeping her at home will not block her access to anything. Speak to school and keep speaking to them.

Underminer · 18/02/2023 00:07

Something is not right about this. Is this in the U.K.? Schools have to be very tight on a safeguarding so do not have pupils walking round outside of lessons, alone or in groups. If they do, this is a school causing serious concern.
Look up the school complaints policy via the website and make a formal complaint that they are not safeguarding her in school and looking after her welfare by ensuring she is having adequate education.

Lavender14 · 18/02/2023 00:25

I would do some research into the links between trauma and addiction particularly to depressive substances like weed. If your dd has experienced trauma then she's potentially more at risk of developing an addiction than a friend who hadn't been through that trauma. I'd give her as much info as possible and encourage her to be strong and do what's right for her, maybe still socialising with that group but refusing to use any substances and finding a different friend group if they judge her or put her under pressure. Can the school offer counselling/a youth worker to try and establish why she's avoiding class and help her set some goals?

Original poster

bluetakkis · 18/02/2023 08:22

Oh I have done research on weed and trauma, it's terrifying. It's basically history repeating itself with her dad

OP posts:

Bimblybomeyelash · 18/02/2023 08:37

Her school sounds shocking. I’d be loudly making a fuss about what they can do to support her and get her back into class. And if they can’t then what alternative provision can they provide. I’ve not worked at a single school that would just allow students to wander the corridors. It’s a massive safeguarding issue. I wouldn’t remove her from the school with no alternative. If the school can’t work her then speak to the school about a managed move.

Original poster

bluetakkis · 18/02/2023 09:15

She's going absolutely ballistic this morning as I've brought up the drugs thing. Also she's supposed to be staying with her aunt tonight and saying she's going to run away. I don't know what to do with this kid, I'm at an absolute loss

OP posts:

Sadlifter · 18/02/2023 13:48

This sounds beyond odd. Is it in the UK?

Sadlifter · 18/02/2023 13:49

And I know its hard to read from a few posts but you sound out of your depth. No partner? I'd be very strict about this behaviour, are you?

wishmyhousetidy · 18/02/2023 15:06

Our daughter suffered trauma at 14 and started using drugs. Had a calm year and now at 16 has a serious drug problem, though she is denying it. We have social workers, and I agree with people saying get professionals in. We are sinking at the moment it is so difficult. To other posters just saying they would come down hard on it it is far more complex than that- we tried that and ultimately it has made little difference. Some teens have deep many layered problem which are not solved by normal parenting unfortunately

Randobelia · 18/02/2023 15:17

Which country are you in OP? I volunteer in a school which seems very lax to me. Kids allowed to attend but not attend classes and instead hang out in a certain area. No push to learn. If they are under guidance teacher care they can simply go to the guidance dept and stay there (with pals) rather than attending class.

MrsPeas · 18/02/2023 15:18

Similar with my 13year old DD. I pulled her out of the school and got her in a new one. She starts after the break. I'm even moving house as I can't have her in this group of kids again. It's literally ran us into the ground with stress. She's extremely easily influenced and these kids are her previous bullies. Her behaviour and attitude has hugely improved already and new school has the correct support in place for when she starts. She's also had Internet restricted and money restricted whilst we work on certain issues. She doesn't hang around with this group now.

Best thing I did was removing her from the school!

Redebs · 18/02/2023 15:23

I'm sorry school is so useless, OP.
Please get in touch with your GP about support for child mental health. There are outreach services available to support her learning and her mental health needs.

It's horrible to watch a child going through this.
Sincerely wishing you better times ahead and a positive outcome. Lots of youngsters go through this and come out the other side wiser and stronger.

Bunce1 · 18/02/2023 15:32

New school straight away and complain to OFSTED about what’s happening at her current school. My kids school was like this- juts had a dreadful ofsted- principle and school directors were dismissed and we are beginning to see change. But SO MANY vulnerable children have picked up some very poor very damaging habits and associations.

You need a school with a robust behaviour policy and strong leadership. As well as a very strong and fully staffed SEND team- ask about pastoral support.

You mentioned an aunt? I would rope her in for some moral support and I would also start by grounding too. Phone revoked- I assume you pay for that? Take control.

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