Do you worry excessively about your teenager?

[toptail22]

I have an almost 17 year old daughter.

She's a good girl tbh but these past few months she's started to venture out more, drinking alcohol (although not much as she doesn't like it)
Now she's starting to try to get into pubs/clubs which I'm really struggling with. I'm terrified she try's drugs, has her drink spiked, gets assaulted etc etc

Oh I do love a good old worry.

Joking aside, I'm doing this alone and it weighs heavy. Of course I want her to go live her life without me creating anxiety for her but when she's out on a weekend, I'm sat at home FRANTIC.

How do you guys cope??

No, I never worried excessively about them.
It is normal, growing up.
Over the years, (from when they were much younger) I had lots of conversations about scenarios that might arise in their lives. Conversations starting "What would you do if......" so - long before those situations arose - they'd thought about options.
(These started much, much younger with things like "if I weren't there when you came out of school").
So, by the time they were of an age to be drinking alcohol / smoking / be offered drugs / be in danger of spiking / possibility of being separated from friends / etc /etc, they knew about things like how alcoholic drinks are different strengths / how mixing drinks has different effects / how drinking lots of water alongside really helps / the effect of having eaten (or not eaten) has on you / tiredness / size of person / etc /etc ........ they learned from being small children that it was okay to ask adults for help (not the whole 'don't talk to strangers' daftness) and which adults were best to approach ........ they had already learned to tread their own path and that they didn't have to do anything they felt uncomfortable with "to fit in" etc.

Of course that doesn't mean things won't ever go wrong.
Of course that doesn't mean you don't worry
But, at least I knew I'd done everything I could to help them be the confident young adults they became.

Thank you! So helpful hearing this.

I'm a single mum and I just find myself worrying excessively

Nope. I never worried with ds1, or ds2. What exactly are you worried about? Verbalise those, think worse case scenario and you will realise your anxiety is not grounded.

Always. Mine is ultra sensible and just headed off to parkrun. I still worry he'll be stabbed on the way there or something 🤦‍♀️.

Yes! I’ve found ways of dealing with it. She’s 19. It’s time to head the baton over, I tell myself, and have faith that she will make sensible choices. Tough, though!

I worried less about dd in some ways, she's sassy, teetotal and also very good at keeping in touch.
Ds is more scatty, loves getting drunk and also has a medical condition that requires him to not lose his bag (or to forget he has it!!)

I hear you op, when he's out I really worry and find it hard to relax and enjoy my own evening.
The relief when he walks/falls in the door is immense!!

It wholly depends on your DC. If you have a DC that pushes boundaries and wants to experiment with sex, drugs & alcohol - and is female, potentially pissed and walking home alone etc having lost phone, it’s completely different to having a teetotal, sensible DS.

So other people’s experiences aren’t that helpful in this situation. It is terrifying when they go out into the wide world - less so when you feel they are fully equipped for it. And a lot of this is down to personality not parenting.

(Not saying men won’t get attacked etc, more talking about women being sexually abused).

She's actually quite sensible, stays in touch letting me know where she is etc.
terrified of drugs etc. i guess I worry when she's in the city on a night out, not locally.

Being hurt by others is my biggest fear I think. I'm fully aware that my worry is excessive but she's out tonight and I'm already wound up about it.

It's learnt behaviour as my mum was like this with me growing up. I'm really trying not to impact my girl negatively due to my anxiety and worry!

I can only guide and be there as a mum. I'm trying my absolute best

It sound as though you put the groundwork in with raising her to be sensible and responsible, but its a parent's lot to worry - I know my mum did. Now we have family apps such as Life 360 so we can find them, Google Pay in case they run out of cash, online banking in case we need to send them money, Uber in case we need to get them a taxi. I think just values such as never leave a friend behind and knowing your limits with alcohol all help. They will be exposed to drugs, so good drugs education also helps to keep them safe.

I worry about my 15 year old DS being stabbed.
I'm worried about him being in the wrong place wrong time and him being one of the unlucky ones.

As a single mum of 2 boys almost 14 and 15. Yes I do. My younger son doesn't venture much further than the local beach but my older son is turning 16 at the end of the year. I worry a lot about him. He has a girlfriend of a year, they aren't having sex yet but I worry about her getting pregnant when they do.

My son is just starting to ask about alcohol and going out at night. A lot of his mates have been doing it since 14. He is a pretty good kid, he talks openly with me and will leave his location settings on so I can check where he is, if he's out at night.

I worry so much more now than I ever did when they were young. I think it is because I rebelled a lot in my early teens and was a young mum to both of my boys. It is hard but I think you just have to trust in your child and your own parenting.

I think I worry less about them being assaulted and more about them being unhappy. For example, the thought of them being bullied terrifies me because I know the feelings of humiliation, shame and fear this brings. And the thought of them not making friends or being excluded makes me really sad. The thought of them having this type of long-term, ongoing pain is very upsetting and worrying to me.
As for going out and getting drunk - yes I would worry they'd get so drunk that it was dangerous but I'm not excessively worried about that. I'm not proud to say that my friends and I started boozing at 14. We often couldn't handle our drink. I do regret this and wish I'd started later/drunk in moderation. However, if I'm completely honest here I did have a lot of fun times too.
Them being unhappy is much more of a worry - especially as I have a very sensitive and anxious son.

Yes. And I find it very strange that some parents say they don't. My mum still worries about me and I'm in my 50s!

It doesn't matter how streetwise and sensible kids are, things can still happen to them, and I think it natural that parents worry over this if you aren't there to protect them.

Of course, it's part of growing up and you're not doing your job properly if you don't give them the opportunity to become independent.

As to how to not worry - I've no idea. I've found it easier (after the first couple of months) when they start uni, as you don't know when/if they're out in the first place. At least you can sleep without constantly listening out for the creak on the stairs 🙂

What helps with my worries is maintaining open communication. I make sure they know if they get into a scrape I will pick them up and from wherever they are even if they have been up to no good. This includes rescuing their friends from an outdoor party that had got a bit of out of hand., a visit to the pharmacy for a morning after pill etc. Its doesn't mean that there aren't consequences for poor behaviour, but that can be dealt with later .I am really pleased my son called me a few years ago to say he had drunk too much and wasn't exactly sure where he was. He would have been very vulnerable walking home.

DS1 was 17 and turned 18 during the COVID years. Very little opportunity for partying, clubbing in his own town. Then suddenly off to uni to a city three hours away he'd never been to before, living with people he'd never met before and all restrictions lifted.
Now that was a worry.

Oh yes I do. My DS is same age as your DD and I worry constantly. We live in a big city and I am struggling now he is out and about more. He came home stinking of weed the other night so I worry that he will get addicted to that or end up with mental health issues because of it.
He mentioned applying to the local excellent uni as one of his choices and I thought, hell no, then it'll be even later nights or not coming home at all. I am already a poor sleeper and luckily he is still fairly happy with 11pm curfew. That isn't going to cut it when he is 17 or older.
I also suspect that his good friend who is a girl, is now his gf so I have started worrying that she will get pregnant. Only 5 more years of worrying about that whilst he is still in full time education. Yikes!
I didn't realise that being a parent would be so emotionally difficult, wish I was a man as they don't seem to think the same at all.

Yes. And I find it very strange that some parents say they don't. My mum still worries about me and I'm in my 50s!

I'd be surprised to hear that there are many parents who say they don't worry about their dc, at all, ever, but that isn't what we are being asked.
The OP asked if we "worry excessively". Some of us are able to rationalise the likelihood of something bad happening, and have understood that sadly, shocking events happen everywhere - even if you sit in your own home 24/7 - but you can't let that irrational fear take over your life.
Of course I worry about my dc. In the same way I worry about my dh, and he about me, and my dc no doubt worry about me as well, but I still get in my car every day, I sometimes walk places when it is dark, I still go on planes occasionally, I still travel on public transport, I still sit in parks, and I expect everyone I love to be able to do that too. All of my dc have lived some hours away from me for their University years when obviously I have no idea where they are or what they are doing as is right and proper. They are adults and we have to trust we have given them enough tools to risk assess for themselves and the confidence to say no or ask for help or whatever it takes.
Yes, sadly, there are statistically incredibly rare random attacks, which are obviously horrific for the loved ones of those individuals, but they can happen anywhere, at any time. Me worrying myself into a state isn't going to prevent that happening to anyone.