Schools for challenging behavior?

[HM12345]

Hard to know where to start… son with ADHD had been struggling with behavior for nearly 2 years and over past 9mths has become extremely verbally abusive & gets violent, smashes things and damages property when he loses it. We have had to call the police 13 times since June for our and our daughters safety. He is generally polite and charming at school but does zero homework, results are falling fast, he doesn’t have secure friendships, is smoking cannabis and vaping… pretty sure his independent day school won’t keep him for much longer. Not what has caused all this but readily accept that we are partly at fault… my husband and I haven’t had a great relationship, and DS has been subject to arguing for longer than can I remember. That plus pandemic, family bereavements and his ADHD are probably more than enough. He also had low self esteem.
We are at our wits end and not getting the help we so desperately need. We have had Early Help from Achieving for Children, zero support from CAMHS but due to all the police call ours we have now been escalated to social care which is as terrifying as much as it is a relief. We are getting to the point where we can’t cope any longer… our mental health is awful, our relationship is over, we have real concerns for our daughter and are so worried about the choices our DS is making. We just want him to be safe.
Can anyone recommend any secondary schools (boarding or weekly boarding) in home counties or south that cope with aDHD and challenging behavior? He needs structure, discipline and really supportive and engaging teaching. He is very capable academically but has really low self esteem which needs nurturing. He also needs somewhere where homework and sport are not optional.

Sorry this is happening sounds difficult

Why does he need to go away boarding ? Surely home environment would support his self esteem not being apart from family ? Or has this been recommended

Due to the violence we are in danger of him ending up in care. I’m all honesty we also are really struggling to cope and feel that we can’t keep the rest of the family physically or emotionally safe. He is also highly likely to lose his current school place in the near future. Boarding feels better than the alternative and because he generally behaves well at school it feels like a reasonable option. We can’t afford it but I’d rather die than have him end up in care. We have literally tried everything else… NVR, counseling, all sorts of other therapies.

It sounds like he needs you & your partner to sort yourselves out. How about family therapy? He's been through a lot.

Apply for an EHCP so he can access specialist school maybe? Social care should be suggesting this.

Does he have an EHCP?

Yep, fair comment…. he does but in fairness neither of us could cope on our own right now so we’re stuck in this misery. Family therapy starting later this month.

No. Early Help suggested this however then decided he wouldn’t qualify for one on the basis of juts the ADHD. We strongly suspect that there is something else going on but we’re told that most other diagnoses (I.e PDA, OPD) aren’t formally recognized and that personality disorders aren’t diagnosed in children. Unclear whether he does or doesn’t qualify for an EHCP to be honest

Have you looked at Newbold Hope for advice on dealing with challenging behaviour in the home?

I cant quite work out if he is challenging at school or if its just the grades are dropping which is why he will be asked to leave? Its just there are specialist schools for challenging behaviour but obviously all the children there have challenging behaviour which can have some interesting friendship issues.

You can do a parental application for an EHCNA now. You don't need support of school or anyone else to apply.

It's very likely, that he would not be able to access a specialist school, without an EHCP.

Some of the state boarding schools cater for children who are vulnerable. Given that he regulates better at school they might be an option for him.

I mean this gently - I this just you seeking to pass over parenting of your son to a boarding school?

Because that won't solve the actual problem. If you work with social care, they can help you change the way you parent so that your sons life is calmer.

You need to apply for an EHCNA. Yes, he does meet the threshold. You will need an EHCP for SS. Some independent SS will allow parents to self fund but independent SEMH schools are £££ in is out of reach of the vast majority of families. You can search for schools here.

OP, you are in crisis and EHCPs take too long. By all means apply for one - it's not difficult, just loads of forms - but in the meantime the only practical solution I can see is two households, one DC each? Switch your son to King's Interhigh maybe. Generally, PDA website may be helpful for advice.

Agree EHCP will not be the immediate answer but it is no one's place to tell you whether or not he qualifies for one apart from the local authority multi disciplinary panel following a needs assessment. I would get that process started immediately as it takes time.

If parents listened to LAs hardly any child would have an EHCP. LAs often tell parents their DC doesn’t qualify for an EHCNA or EHCP but the parent goes on to successfully appeal. The vast majority of appeals are successful.

The only threshold OP needs to focus on now is the one for an EHCNA. It is relatively low - a) has or may have SEN, and b) may need SEN provision to be made via an EHCP. The OP’s DS certainly meets that threshold.

OP, whilst applying for an EHCP if there comes a point DS can’t attend school full time the LA must provide alternative arrangements.

how can you say you dont know what is causing this, and then say he smokes cannabis
completely typical teen on cannabis - get him off it

@JustKeepBuilding Out of interest does that duty on the LA still apply when a child is at an independent school?

@Spendonsend yes it does.