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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Won't get a job - on a downward spiral

12 replies

mamnotmum · 08/02/2023 16:37

My daughter (21) left school at 16 - tried college and didn't like it, got an apprenticeship in care but didn't like it then has worked in a care home, cafe and pub and didn't like them so just stopped going until she lost each job.

Lives with her older boyfriend in his mothers council house. He has a child who he barely sees, he works on and off cash in hand and has a lot of debt.

Daughter usually comes home 2-3 times a week - she has a bedroom at home and comes home to bath, doing her washing, collect clothes or sometimes just to be there while the boyfriend is at work.

She has no job and no money and about 3 months ago we wrote off hundreds of pounds of debt to give her a clean slate but told her she must sort things out and we would NOT lend her any more money.

She still has no job and isn't trying to get one. Has no money yet still seems to manage going to the pub 2-3 times a week. She's just defaulted on her car insurance payment because she can't pay it but also won't declare the car off the road.

Because she isn't living at home I feel helpless but also sick with worry. Talking to her gets us nowhere and she'll just go days without doing so if we upset her.

Any advice? I'm beating myself up because I feel there must be some way I can help and get through to her.

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 17:30

She's an adult. If my daughter was acting like this at her age and shacked up with a no hoper, she would be on her own tbh.

I'd tell her that she can't just drop in whenever is convenient for her anymore either, but when she gets a job and sorts herself out a bit, the door would be open to her.

bagelbagelbagel · 08/02/2023 17:31

The fact that you're posting this in teenagers tells me a lot about your mindset in all this.

50change · 08/02/2023 17:37

All you can do is what you already are doing and continue to offer her a bed and support on your terms as it’s your house. Unfortunately at 21 years old your daughter will have to decide for herself how her own life will will be played out.

MaverickGooseGoose · 08/02/2023 17:53

She's not a teenager. Let her get on with it.

PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2023 18:03

What exactly are you worried about? (I would be too).

What are you doing when she is at your house? Are you working?

This sounds incredibly difficult as I'd be afraid of doing anything that would send her further into this dead end life with her bf. I'd be pretty tempted to say she can't be at your house without you there, much as you like seeing her.

It seems really likely that she'll get pregnant and be stuck for a long time. It is possible I suppose that she might gain a sense of purpose through having a child though, and maybe will want to work for the child's sake

Original poster

mamnotmum · 08/02/2023 19:43

bagelbagelbagel · 08/02/2023 17:31

The fact that you're posting this in teenagers tells me a lot about your mindset in all this.

I couldn't locate an adult children section; perhaps you could point me in the direction of a better category to post in?

OP posts:

Original poster

mamnotmum · 08/02/2023 19:46

PermanentTemporary · 08/02/2023 18:03

What exactly are you worried about? (I would be too).

What are you doing when she is at your house? Are you working?

Thank you for replying. I work 4 days so often at work or sometimes off.

Worried that I wanted more for her really. And that she'll end up stuck in a life she's very unhappy in.

I agree pregnancy has crossed my mind and I have explained she could not bring a baby home as there isn't space plus her younger siblings also live at home.

Like you say I'm scared of pushing her away and further into the arms of the boyfriend.

OP posts:

Original poster

mamnotmum · 08/02/2023 19:47

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 17:30

She's an adult. If my daughter was acting like this at her age and shacked up with a no hoper, she would be on her own tbh.

I'd tell her that she can't just drop in whenever is convenient for her anymore either, but when she gets a job and sorts herself out a bit, the door would be open to her.

I think this is where we are really. But scared of pushing her further into this life that I can see will be so badly.

OP posts:

PritiPatelsMaker · 08/02/2023 19:52

There is a Parents of Adult Children section under "Being a Parent" but the teenage section is probably busier if I'm honest.

Dacadactyl · 08/02/2023 21:20

mamnotmum · 08/02/2023 19:47

I think this is where we are really. But scared of pushing her further into this life that I can see will be so badly.

Show quote history

I totally understand OP and I would be devastated if I were you too. However, you have to let her live her own life and just trust that you did enough groundwork when she was growing up to make good decisions when it's crunch time.

You never know, she could be home next week having broken up with him and found a job. But if she isn't, you have to try to accept it. I feel for you though.

Peckhaminn · 08/02/2023 21:28

She needs to stand on her own two feet. Don't do her washing for her or help her out in anyway. Explain you are still there for her but you aren't her caregiver anymore she's a grown adult. She should absolutely have a full time job at 21.

Original poster

mamnotmum · 09/02/2023 09:41

Thanks everyone - I know you are right. It's the advice I'd give to someone else. Just so difficult when it's someone you love and want the best for.

It's the decisions that could affect her for years to come that scare me most - like getting pregnant, not paying her car insurance and being in an accident/losing her licence or getting into enough debt to end up with CCJs etc.

I just want her to see the light. She's never seen any of her family miss a day of work in their life - I can't comprehend the laziness.

OP posts:

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