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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Struggling with 15 year old daughter

21 replies

teesguy · 08/02/2023 16:29

I'm a single dad to my 15 year old daughter. She dies see her mum but spends more time with me and I do most of ghe parenting.

Really struggling with our relationship at the moment. She speaks to me like I'm something she has stood in and I can't get her to engage in a conversation about anything, it's just one word answers. Her eating is terrible, only eating a limited number of things and won't eat breakfast or lunch. I can't get her to sit and eat dinner once a week with me without it being a battle. She never sits downstairs with me and is either locked in her room or at friends.

I'm worried our relationship is non existent and we are more like housemates. I know I was too lenient with her when I separated from her mum and let her get away with far too much. I'm trying to get the boundaries back in place. I don't know if this is normal teenage behaviour?

I'm getting to the point where I don't really know what else to do.

OP posts:
FrenchandSaunders · 08/02/2023 16:33

15 is a really shit age, I wouldn't go back to that parenting stage for a lottery win.

Hang in there, keep talking to her, even if you don't get a response, tell her you love her, try and keep it light and breezy even if you're fuming inside at the rudeness (easier said than done!). She will change in a couple of years, hopefully sooner!

FrenchandSaunders · 08/02/2023 16:34

Would she eat out with you if you suggested the occasional nandos/wagammas etc? Mine would sometimes do that.

Mumsafan · 08/02/2023 16:36

DD is 15 and can be a real gobshite! Especially where DH is concerned.

Eventually DS (left home as in his 20s) made a comment to her about it and she stopped it. Sometimes it just needs them to realise what their attitude is doing.

BungleandGeorge · 08/02/2023 16:39

id be very suspicious of an eating disorder, do you think it’s possible?

purpledalmation · 08/02/2023 16:39

It's an awful age and her attitude is pretty normal. Just keep her safe and don't worry too much about the rest. Try to get a plan with exwife to manage the behaviours

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/02/2023 16:41

My dd was like this when she had an ED, has your dd lost weight? How much is actually eating?

DarkChocHolic · 08/02/2023 17:00

Agree that 15 is a funny and tricky age for some teen DDs
Hang in there!

Muchxperience · 08/02/2023 17:03

I was like that 50 years ago!
I just wanted to do life my way. Some things have to include you that's a shared life pile but the rest is her life pile for her to get right or not.Thats growing up.
There are some good books that might help.Our grandson is 5 but yesterday was behaving like à teenager!!
grr..Good luck.

.

teesguy · 08/02/2023 17:25

Thanks for the replies. Glad it's not just me!!

She will eat but not at school. Day she doesn't like eating in front of people. I have invited her out for lunch/dinner/coffee but just get a push back. I don't think she has an eating disorder but I've had her at the doctors and I'm keeping an eye on her.

OP posts:
StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 08/02/2023 17:28

If you can rule out ED I'd say its all pretty normal.

My 2 are out the other side and quite reasonable people now, though they still live in their rooms pretty much.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 08/02/2023 17:58

Not eating in front of people, getting angry at being made to eat and being generally more isolated/angry can be signs of an ED.

Other red flags are saying she's eaten when she hasn't, refusing foods she normally likes, wearing baggy clothes, being very interested in food without actually eating any of it...

Keep an eye on her weight as anorexia needs weight loss to really kick off as the brain very quickly struggles with calorie deficit.

Goodread1 · 23/03/2023 23:40

Hi Op@teesguy
15 yrs age is allways a Arkward tricky as in difficult age group,
You are not a child but yet you are definitely not a Adult bit still emotionally Needy vunerable as child,

I would encourage your daughter to have outside hobbies interests of her liking or she is curious about,
Such as Martial Arts displines , creative Arts 🎨 ect,
Help to boost her cofindence, by noticing something she has done either well or there is a improvement in a smal way whatever that maybe be,

Spend quality time at cafes/restaurants.

When you go food shopping or if you go Internet food shopping encourage ask
her views what kinds of foods to buy too,

Also encourage her both of you could look up new recipes to try out together , so not just have same kinds of foods all the time,

Also encourage a Saturday partime job or bit of volunteering work to help boost her cofindence, potentially meet new friends try out new experinces in a good healthy way and have fun...

Findyourneutralspace · 23/03/2023 23:45

If she won’t go to a cafe with you, what about a drive thru. It’s so commonly said it’s almost a cliche, but most teens open up in the car. Something about not facing each other seems to make it easier. And if there’s a burger or a fancy coffee thrown in, so much the better.
I sometimes allow extra time on a lift somewhere to squeeze a drive thru in, when I want to connect with a moody teenager.

Goodread1 · 23/03/2023 23:45

Also communicate with your ex wife , about concerns about your daughter if you have a good enough co parenting relationship with ex wife ?

Have you got strong good women in your life and daughter life too,

Such as good female role models such as your mother her Gran and Aunties and good trustworthy female family friend..

Fireyflies · 23/03/2023 23:49

My teenage nephew was very like that all that age but a job washing up in a pub has absolutely been the making of him. So second that suggestion.

The other thing I've found works well with teens is to strike up neutral conversations that aren't about them - eg talk about your own friends to her, recollections of things you did at her age, TV shows, politicians, anything but not about her. That's so much less confrontational. And ask her advice or opinions about anything she cares or knows about. Tech, fashion, music, whether. Find an interest in it, or fein one.

Fireyflies · 23/03/2023 23:51

Also do pull her up on real rudeness. Tell her clearly that it's not ok to treat you like shit. You're not doing very any favours at all to let her get away with that.

Goodread1 · 23/03/2023 23:57

@Fireyflies

Really sound Good 👍 Point you made there , !
Yes yes, I totally agree get where you are coming from with what all you say, 😊

Totally Nailed it there 👏 on head 👏.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 23/03/2023 23:59

I was, to be frank, an absolute cunt to my parent at that age. It's biological in a way, as the teen years are when we're evolutionarily programmed to move away from our parents and start our own family unit. She'll come back once she's past this stage... your challenge is to keep your cool while she's in this completely unreasonable demon stage.

Goodread1 · 24/03/2023 00:03

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

L.o .l 🤣😅😆
So so true your comment,

I was headwork at that age too with my parent
Vaguely rember ...

Spectacledbear67 · 24/03/2023 01:31

Yes you need to set boundaries and choose your battles but I think it’s a mistake to suddenly ramp up discipline op in response to her current behaviour.

You need to ease off with the top down parenting approach and switch to parenting alongside her, helping her to develop her own self discipline by giving her more responsibility. You are there to support her working out things for herself not to micro-manage.

Don’t let her get away with being too disrespectful but equally the best thing to do is ignore most of the rudeness and focus on keeping things fairly calm and positive and focus on your agreed top three parenting priorities.

And above all, model the habits that you want her to copy. This is the stage of life when they start to view us with a more critical eye. So if you want her to eat healthily, work hard at school, exercise, then you have to do those things too, if you are not doing so already, otherwise you will have no authority whatsoever. Remember, all teens love to hate a hypocrite! 😉

This is a marathon not a sprint and unfortunately part of your role is to be an emotional shock absorber when her feelings get temporarily too overwhelming so make sure you exercise and eat well and boost yourself up for the next five years, by which time you should be through the worst! 😫🤨😁💪

Don’t get drawn in to a downward spiral of negative back chat; do fun things with her too - keep it all humorous and affectionate - yes they still need to know they are loved. Probably more so when they are being a pita.

What she is going through is a totally normal transition when her brain is in a state of plasticity, a bit like a toddler. So don’t take the rudeness personally as she is incapable of discerning how hurtful she is being. And it’s hell for her too. When she is at her stroppiest, she is probably feeling massively insecure. Listen to the emotion behind the words, not the words themselves !

Just step back a bit and be a bit less available when she has been horrible. And don’t punish her for hiding in her room, that’s the first ‘safe’ stage in splitting yourself off from your parents. Be prepared for her to be rowing one moment and totally fine the next as if nothing ever happened. Always start each day fresh!

Do keep an eye on her eating. Maybe cook together as a pp suggested. Keep the lines of communication open and be very careful how you speak to her about food and weight. Let her gp weigh her and ask any awkward questions. You be the safe space.

I’d keep the battles away from table and take as much pressure off meals as possible. Just for this period while she’s going through a difficult phase. You could prepare healthy bowls of pasta or healthy snacks for the fridge that she can grab when she wants. Lots of fruit and yoghurt. And don’t forget red meat, or iron heavy vegetarian equivalents like chickpeas, broccoli and pulses as she’s menstruating.

I recommend the books on parenting teen girls by Lisa Damour.

Good luck!

teesguy · 24/03/2023 06:23

Thanks for all the replies. I've been trying hard to get some boundaries in place and sticking to them, but on things that really matter.

Monday is when we have tea together. We made a menu of things she likes and I just choose something from it. I think asking her to make the decision what we eat every week was too hard so I've taken responsibility back. There have been a couple of times when she has wanted to go to friends but I've just said that it's Monday tea night and she can go after....and I'll drop her off!! She kicked off the first time but now is accepting of it.

I also struggle getting her to add stuff to the shopping list, so I've done click and collect this week. I gave her the login details and said add stuff to the basket. It's worked!! Probably going to cost a small fortune but 100% worth it.

She has also been back to the docs for a blood test, which was all good and she had put on 2kg. Her eating has been much better and she has started buy lunch at school. It's not every day but it's a start.

There have still been a few tricky times where she has just been rude to me, but I have pulled her up on it and said it is not acceptable to behave like that.

I know I need to work harder on being consistent with her. I've noticed a massive improvement if I am but I still have a tendency to say yes for an easy life.

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