Please advise

[yukkamumma]

Dd14 has been struggling due to her dad being abusive, not violent, all mind games. We split a year ago. She disengaged from school months ago. Today she hit a girl, it's on film so I can see she instigated it. I've been as supportive as I can but this behavior I am punishing. I've taken her phone and grounded her. She's been having a meltdown for hours. Threatening to run away, being violent and intimidating, etc. I've locked her in but she's not giving up. Wtf do I do? She's even threatening to jump out her 1st floor window. I'd die if she left the house in the dark with no phone. I'm at a loss 😢

I'm so sorry you're going through this but I personally think that grounding and removing phone is just going to create resentment.

You want her to feel as though you're on her side whilst still holding authority.

What is taking her phone off her actually teaching her?

The outcome of this needs to be that in future she doesn't push someone, not because shes scared of having her phone taken away but because her moral compass is on point.

Talk with her and try to understand why she has behaved this way and explain to her why it's not okay.

That sounds hard. When you say locked in you mean the house? Not the bedroom?

All you can do is wait for her to calm, comfort her if she wants it otherwise give space. Don't try to talk about it save that for when she's in a more reasonable mood. Is she in counselling, getting support?

Thank you both. I've been trying the supportive no punishment approach but her behavior is escalating. I suppose I'm trying to show her there's consequences for her actions. I've locked all the access doors, she's roaming around the house shouting abuse at me, I think possibly she was drinking at school and she's threatening to go out and get more alcohol. Wish there was a manual for this!

She won't engage in counseling, she's no trust in anyone as they all talk to each other so she's not up for it at all 😖

It rough and there's no simple solution. All you can do is support her and be there . Try not to get angry/defensive and try to think any consequences through. (Obviously easier to say than do) How is she now?

She's gone to bed, I took the phone in to start tomorrow on a fresh footing, although she'll still be grounded as she's suspended for the day. She briefly woke and cuddled me, she was laying there with her little rag doll she's had since a baby. She's still a baby really, it's so hard to know what to do for the best 😢

Phones tricky as it's so much a part of them. Grounding seems reasonable as her behaviour cannot be trusted. But she does need to understand the consequences of her actions. It's a hard age tho because teenagers brains don't think like adults so it's hard to get then to understand.

I need help. I have two 15 year old step sons who are addicted to watching.. well.. what do young boys eventually learn about? They won't stop. They do it on school computers, home computers, and their toddler siblings tablets and things. Every single day. They find nothing wrong with it.

I could have wrote this last year . My Dd did exactly this and acted like this . We locked the house up to stop her leaving late at night and removed her phone to stop her making plans to leave and the conversations with others encouraged her behaviour .
We threatened to call the police because she assaulted her dad and they were brilliant . They listened to us and her then told her we were reasonable parents and she should go to bed and do what told because she was 14 and we were acting to keep her safe . They also told us to call again if needed . For a few months she told us we were the worst parents ever for calling the police but she never did it again and now describes it as her "crazy teenage brain " time .