Marriage/ teen issues

[Lucie390]

I really don’t know what to do here.

I have been very happily married for 15 years together for 18 years. Husband has always worked long hours, stressful high powered job and I’ve been stay at home mum to 2 kids. He was never great at helping out when they were little but I loved being at home and happy to do 70% of everything as he worked long hours. We fitted onto it roles and I’ve been v v happy. He’s a good husband, very thoughtful, caring and goes out of his way to make sure I’m ok, kids are good etc.

Things seem to have slowly changed over past 18 months. Younger child has adhd and is quite frankly a nightmare. We’ve tried all different meds & ones she is currently on have def helped with school but when they wear off of an evening she’s hyper and argumentative. This is something we are talking though with docs but I don’t want her medicated all the time.

Me and husband are arguing constantly. He will pick at everything, I’ve said we aren’t going to change her so we need to pick our battles but sees everything black and white. He hates how she speaks to me and a lot of the time is sticking up for me but I can’t mentally take all this arguing. I’ve said he needs to be less reactive and stop reacting to the silly stuff but he can’t. Our older child is also stressed as home just isn’t happy. She also baits the younger one and is moody with her when it’s not needed. I have spoken to her and said I need you to be kind and even if it’s for me be considerate to prevent arguing but she’s 18 and on her own world and isn’t always nice to her sister or us. If I’m honest she seems unhappy and I wonder if this is due to home life ? She says it’s not but I’m unsure. We do everything for her but it always seems to not be enough, but then isn’t that a typical teen ?!?

My mental health is really starting to suffer. I don’t know what to do or what my options are. I love my husband but I’m not happy. I’m happy as in I want to be with him but not living like this. I try so hard for home to be happy but it’s just not. A lot os down to our younger daughter and tiptoeing around her moods/outburst and dam right defiance.

Dont know what answers I’m looking for more to vent, sorry x

So sorry, didn’t want to read and run but have no advice. It sounds a really stressful situation for you all. What is your 18 year old planning on doing after school? Will things be a bit alleviated then? Is there anyone who can look after the younger one for an evening so you and DH can go out for an evening just for a bit of time out?

Thank you that’s kind.

We actually get a lot of alone time, he works from home now and so do I. If we go out of an eve, daughter with adhd is so hyper when we come back it’s hell, causes all sorts of arguments as she has so much energy and wants undecided attention what ever time of the evening. We went out later last week thinking she’d be asleep when we got back (only walked dog and popped to local pub for an hour) came back and she was on at me until midnight, playing up and being naughty. It’s too much hassle to do more than grab a sandwich together in the day.

As I say actually have a very good relationship but as soon as the kids are home it’s just stressful. We are both aware all our arguments are around the children but can’t seem to sort it out. I feel if we could sort out the issues surrounding our youngest this would help.

She's gone to bed, I took the phone in to start tomorrow on a fresh footing, although she'll still be grounded as she's suspended for the day. She briefly woke and cuddled me, she was laying there with her little rag doll she's had since a baby. She's still a baby really, it's so hard to know what to do for the best 😢

Apologies wrong thread

This sounds really hard and I probably can’t say anything you haven’t tried/thought of.

could you take her out with the dog in the evening? Maybe it will burn off a bit of energy and give her the one to one time she craves. Or one night a week you and she go out for pizza or to the cinema and leave your DH and older DD at home.

also you say you don’t want her medicated but those medications sound to be helping her be much more focused and calmer at school and if the dose was tweaked maybe it could help extend those feelings into her home life? I don’t have ADHD but many people who do find the meds incredibly helpful, like having the ‘chatter’ turned off, not a bad thing.

with dh it sounds like you have a good relationship, you are just in a really hard place the two of you but you will get through this.